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A MORNING PERSON
The clock radio buzzes loudly, interrupting a wonderful
dream starring me as a hero saving a bevy of co-stars-Cindy
Crawford, Meg Ryan, Michelle Pfeiffer and others too
numerous to mention. I struggle to turn the cursed alarm
off. I am one of those people who is blessed with an
internal alarm clock that allows me to typically wake up a
few minutes before the alarm is to go off and cancel it
before it has a chance to scream at me. My internal alarm
clock took this day off. I discover that a different method
is required to turn off the alarm once it has begun
sounding. This process is too much for my clouded brain to
comprehend this morning. I pound on the poor radio, ignoring
its protests of innocence, and wake my wife - who is
definitely not a morning person. I am not sure when it
dawned on her that she was not meant to be a morning person,
but she has excellent alarm clock skills. She deftly turns
the alarm off, mumbles a few threats in my direction and
falls back to sleep.
Freed from the tyranny of the incessant alarm, I jump out of
bed, landing on a sharp heel of one of my wife's shoes
cleverly planted in my path. I turn an ankle, causing me to
stagger off course, jamming my unprotected, bare toes into a
carnivorous Hoover vacuum cleaner. The pain my toes are
experiencing makes me straighten up quickly in reaction to
the surprise and the agony of the feet. This allows me to
bang my head sharply on a bloodthirsty, open closet door.
Let's examine the possibilities - sprained ankle, broken
toe, concussion, divorce - all before breakfast. I know
things will get better. They have to. As a morning person, I
am able to smile; taking strength from the old story of the
man who ate a live toad the first thing every morning. By
doing that, the man knew that whatever he had to do the rest
of the day, it would be easier than eating that toad. So it
would be for most of us. The hardest part of our day may be
the simple act of getting out of bed.
THE SHOWER
A famous line from a great book reads, "It was the best of
times, it was the worst of times." Now I know what the
author meant. I am taking a shower - the best way I have
found for me to start a day. Some people like an icy cold
shower in the morning - one that will wake them up quickly.
Not me. Some people like a very hot shower - one that eases
the sleep out of the body and limbers up those sleep
stiffened muscles. Not me. I like showers just the way
Goldilocks liked her porridge -just right. Not too cold and
not too hot. Just right. While I am in a shower, I have no
doubt that the day is going to be a great one. I stride the
earth like a colossus. The best ideas come to me when I am
in the shower. I should write them down, but the paper
always gets too wet and soggy. I depend on my memory to
preserve them. I sing in the shower. Normally a pathetic
singer, I am a regular canary when I'm in the shower.
Today I am pretending to be Elvis Presley singing "It's Now
Or Never" in front of thousands of adoring fans. The louder
I sing, the more they love me. I rock. I have a neighbor who
is fond of saying, "When things get too good, look out." He
is Lutheran, he has to say things like that. This is a
morning meant for people who think like he does.
Now, normally I enjoy surprises, but what I hear is not the
kind of surprise I like. The sound I hear is the sound of
the toilet flushing in the upstairs bathroom. Suddenly, I
find myself in the midst of a human predicament. My wife,
whom I love very much, has for some unknown reason decided
to flush the toilet in our farm home while I am taking a
shower. A sane person does not flush a toilet in our home
while someone is taking a shower. Unless that someone
fancies herself a music critic. The water coming from the
shower and hitting my body changes immediately upon the
sound of the flushing from being just right to being
scalding hot. The dulcet tones of my song turn from a rich
warble to an agonizing scream. I want to be clean, not
char-broiled. I have become well done, not far from being
Joan of Arced. I am thinking thoughts that no man should
think about his wife. I finish my shower, whimpering having
replaced my singing. I am definitely wide-awake now, but all
the fantastic ideas that I had come up with earlier - the
ideas that would make the world a better place for all of us
- have been flushed from my mind. In the time it takes to
jiggle a handle, I have gone from being the king loved by
all to becoming a lobster on his last day in the restaurant.
Oh, I will forgive my wife, but not right away. After all,
it is her turn to use the shower.
?© 20093 Al Batt
Hartland, MN 56042
SnoEowl @ aol.com
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May you be blessed today.
Bob Johnston
Editor / Publisher |
