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It?s 4:00am on a
Saturday (for those of you who know me, my days start early?really
early). I?m five years old and I?m in the basement of my mother?s house.
What I am doing in my mother basement at 4:00am? Well if you give a
chance, I?ll explain it.
I see this table
(Huge, I mean Huge as long as a football field ? that?s 100 yards) with a
white table cloth, some sort of a machine and knifes all over the place (I
was thinking maybe we were going to practice throwing knifes at the wall -
would you do it? I mean standing up against the wall, on a spinning wheel,
somebody spins you around and then let some smuck throw knifes at you? ? I
would if the price was right). I go to grab a knife and my mom slaps me
on the hand and says ?don?t touch, it?s dangerous?. A few hours go by and
I?m thinking why did my mom wake me up at 4:00am to bring me down stairs
to slap my hand and say ?don?t touch, it?s dangerous? when she could have
let me sleep and then do that when I got up? I was five years old; I
figured that?s what mom?s did.
My mom is setting up
for something. Next thing I hear is ?Ok, hold on tight were going down
the stairs?. I?m watching as my Dad and about 10 others guys are hauling
something in a huge bag and put it on the table. The guys leave and my
mom takes a knife and slices open the bag. I asked my mom ?what is it??
She says ?It?s a Cow? (with no feet, legs or a head). Ok? I remembered
asking my mom for a pet once, but I?m positive I didn?t ask for a Cow ? at
least not one that looked like that.
I was looking at it
and thinking ?This doesn?t look like a cow. I remembered drawing one in
school and I was sure it had arms, legs and a head but I figured it was
early in the morning and the cow hadn?t woken up yet?. Well the cow never
did wake up. I tried poking it, talking to it, shaking it and even sang
to it ? ?Hey Diddle Diddle, the cat and the fiddle? ? but it didn?t work.
I didn?t know how I was going to tell my mom the cow was dead? Well I
knew how my mother gets sometimes (Ha, that a good one ?sometimes?) so I
figured I let her find out on her own. It didn?t take my mom long to
figure it out because she had a knife in her hand ready to do something.
My mom said she needed
me (that was a first) to help her get the cow ready (for what?...you?ll
see). She spreads the cow over the table and begins pouring sand all over
it (turns out it was spices) and I started sneezing like a son of a bitch
(my mom used to much pepper). Then she starts cutting off a piece of the
cow
(Hold on right there,
this is not Gross. What do you think Maple Leaf Foods do with there Cows?
? pet them? - They slice them up just like my mom was doing so get over
it).
My mom hands me this
huge piece of cow and I look at her and said ?Is this the baby cow?? ?No?
my mom said, ?Then what do you want me to do with this??. My mom says
?Cut it up for me in little pieces? (Ahh, I?m five years old, never used a
knife and my mom wants me to cut something that a chain saw couldn?t
cut). I said what the hell; I?ll give it a shot. I go to grab a knife
from the table and my mom says ?No, not that one and reaches behind her ?
in some sort of special pocket (she had no pockets on her pants), and
pulls out a knife (not just a knife, it was a RAMBO knife!) and said here,
use this. Have you ever seen a Rambo knife (up close, not on TV) Holy Cow
is it big. It?s got everything on it ? gun, saw, screw driver, hammer,
lighter, nails, flashlight,?everything you?d need to survive in the jungle
(and I was using it to chop up a cow?). Did I mention it has a blade?
Well, it shouldn?t be called a blade; it should be called a Sword. This
blade could cut down an Oak Tree with one slice. I go to pick it up and it
weighted 20 pounds (if you were in the jungle and a bear comes running at
you, how?s a 20 pound knife going to save you?). I had to use two hands
just to get it off the ground. I know what your thinking? ?Didn?t your
mom say earlier don?t touch the knife because it?s dangerous?? Yeah she
did but what does that have to do with the price of bread?.
My mom takes the Rambo
knife, spins it on her finger (I guess she was trying to show off), and
shows me how to use it. I take the knife (thinking if she can do, I can
do) and spin it on my finger and the point of the knife falls right on my
hand (no it didn?t just joking ? but I bet you were saying ?Oh my God is
he ok?)
I watched my mom and
it looked easy enough. I grab the knife, my face is turning beat red
(from trying to lift it) and I cut off a piece of the cow. That Rambo
knife cut through that cow like it was butter. I could hear the knife
saying ?Come on kid, you got it! Your mom is gaining on us; let?s slice
this cow into a million little pieces?. And slice we did, soon I was
standing at the table with the Rambo knife in ONE hand spinning it on my
finger (this time I really was, I took a hit of Gatorade ? but don?t tell
my mom) and staring at my mother who was still cutting thinking ?Ah..what?s
the hold up lady??
Thinking I was done, I
went to wash my hands and get ready to go outside and play. My mom sees
me and says ?Where do you plan on going?? ?Outside, I think the cow is
small enough now?. I said. Then my mom says ?if you know what?s good for
you, you?ll stay where you are?. Did I go outside and play or stayed
downstairs? If I was a betting man, I?d bet I stayed downstairs.
I really began to feel
sorry for that cow because nobody would want him now. My mother calls me
over and tells me we now have to take the cow (I know I should be using
the word meat, but at five years old Cow was all I knew) and put him into
this long skinning balloon looking skin (If you guys haven?t figured it
out yet, we were making Sausages ? Italians don?t buy meat, they make
it). My mom explained that now we had to take the cow and put it into the
machine (I?ll try to explain it, but if you get confused ? just go to your
nearest butcher shop and ask to see a hand operated sausage grinder).
It?s a hand operated
machine that clamps to the edge of a table. The top has a funnel piece
(that you put the chopped up cow in) and has a handle that you turn. As
you turn the handle, the cow gets minced up and gets pushed threw a narrow
tube (with the sausage skin over it ? looks like a condom) as the cow
fills up the skin, Voila ? your making the best tasting sausages you will
ever find. See what you did?... Now I?m hungry. I?m taking a break to
grab a quick bite, I?ll be right back
The Funny Guy
niko1399 @ cogeco.ca |
