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Psssst! Psssssst!
Geeze
Louise! I said PSSSSSSSSTT!
Hey, you, yeah YOU in front of the monitor! No, no, don??™t
turn around, you twit! You are the only one in front of me
aren??™t you?
Oh,
oh (hey that annoying sound from icq comes in handy)??¦oh
oh..I have offended you. Boo hoo hoooo!! Gee I am soooo
sorry!! It??™s just that manners were not programmed into me.
Heh heh heh, I do sarcasm really well, don??™t I? Ok, let me
try this again. Ah, excuse me..excuuuuussse meee please,
but would it be alright if I made a suggestion???
Now
I know that I can be a little abrasive, heck, maybe even a
teeny bit obnoxious, but the twerp behind the keyboard, no
no, I don??™t mean YOU..for crying out loud! Stay with the
program! I am talking about this new..ahem..so called
writer, well..he has really taken a lot of time to gather
his thoughts and put this down into words and it would be
great if you read the entire thing. So I just want to
suggest that you give it a chance. You know, give it a
look-see, skim through it. I have to admit that there is
something to this. I can vouch for this because the twerp,
oops, I am so sorry! I really do mean this dear sweet human
thing??¦er..person, yeah, that??™s what I mean..PERSON, well he
doesn??™t seem to POUND so dern hard on my keyboard ever since
he became aware of this. There was a period there that I
almost ended up in traction. Heck he even dusts me more
often now. So, come on, be a dear and read on to the end
before forming a negative opinion. Deal? Ahh come on babeee
do it for little ole??™me. ;>) ;>} heh heh heh!
Ok,
ok, ok??¦now shush!! Shhhhhhh, hey come on??¦shush!! Here he
comes, you don??™t know me, never saw me, never heard from me,
ok?
I know that a lot of you are
not going to like this story. The other night I was lying
in bed and was at that stage where I was half way between
sleep and being awake. It's like being in the Twilight
Zone. Any way these three words came floating up out of the
blackness. DUMB, BROKE AND HAPPY. Now when I'm in this
"Twilight Zone" is when I get the ideas for a lot of my
stories. So I thought this is an idea for another story, I
better pay attention. Well as I watched this story unfold
I must have slipped off to sleep, because it really
got weird. I don't usually write stuff like this but
it is something i've just got to get out of my system. So
either bear with me or delete it. Whatever.
Dumb, Broke and Happy
?© 2003
By Loren Moore
Dumb
When i was growing up in the
1930's i was dumb about the world. I never listened to the
radio and my family didn't take a paper. We didn't have a
telephone or a TV. What am I saying, there was no such
thing as TV back in the 1930's. My whole world was the 20
acres of the oil company camp where my family lived.
One morning when i woke up my
mother called to me to get dressed because my breakfast was
just about ready. As i was tying the bowknots in my tennis
shoe laces, I was thinking what i was going to do on this
fine summer day.
When i walked into the kitchen
mother was just setting a big bowl of oatmeal down at my
place, there was already a big glass of milk there. After I
ate my oatmeal and drank my milk i made a run for the front
door. Mother said, "don't let that screen door ??¦ "
"Wham"
The telephone rang and i
answered it. It was sweetpea and he wanted to know if i
wanted to go out across the river on the Tyler highway and
get a brew. "sure" I said, " come pick me up." "Johnnie is
having one of those Tupperware parties and she will be glad
to get rid of me for a couple of hours."
A car horn blew outside and i
called to Johnnie and said, "there's sweetpea, I'm gone.
"ok" she said, "but don't let that screen door ??¦ "
"Wham"
I got in the front seat of
Sweetpea's Studebaker with him and then looked in the back
seat. There sat tiny and sonny and they each had a
Budweiser in their hand. Sonny said, "you want one?' as he
held up his beer. "sure."
Well after two hours driving
and six beers later sweetpea pulls in at this little adobe
building with a big red neon sign out front that says
"rosa's canteen." we get out of the car and go inside. The
place is jumping. There is a mariachi band and a bunch of
Las Vegas showgirls dancing. We find an empty table and sit
down.
This Chinese waitress comes
over to our table and asked what we want. Tiny pushes his
10 gallon Stetson hat back with his thumb and says, "honey i
want you." she swings a hip against his shoulder and says,
"i mean to drink, silly." she takes our order and sashays
back to the bar to fill it.
Seven eyes follow every sashay
of her hips. Only seven because sonny had one of his eyes
closed. Smoke from the cigar he was smoking had got in it.
Four beers and one cigar later we decide we will go on down
the road to the next beer joint. As we are leaving the
Chinese waitress says, "don't let that screen door??¦"
"Wham"
We get in Sweetpea's car and
start off down the road again. Two hours later tiny says,
"pull over sweetpea i need to take a pit stop." so Sweetpea
pulls over and we all four get out to water the daisies.
Now we're out in the middle of the desert and haven't seen
another car for miles.
Well about the time we get the
water works turned on up drives this car with a red and blue
bubblegum machine on the roof. A deputy sheriff steps out
and says you guys are under arrest. We want to know what
for. He says "indecent exposure." "get on your nags and
follow me to the sheriff's office.
All four of us are sitting in
chairs in front of the desk and the deputy is sitting behind
the desk. He pulls out a drawer and takes out four arrest
forms and a pencil. As he licks the lead on the pencil with
his tongue he asks Sweetpea what his name is. Sweetpea
tells him and he says, "Spell that."
Sweetpea says, "s w e e t p e e
" and the deputy prints it on his form that way. All this
time his tongue is sticking out of the corner of his mouth.
Then he turns to me and says what is your name. Well my
mom-ma taught me to never lie so i tell him "Loren." "say
ain't that a girls name?" "I guess" I tell him "it depends
on what part of the country your from."
Sonny says "say deputy what
kind of six-shooter you got on your hip?" the deputy says,
"that's a genuine colt single-action first generation 45
caliber peace maker." "hey, can i see it?" sonny asked.
"shore." and he hands sonny his pistol. "man, this is
neat, I'll buy it from you?" "can't do that" the deputy
says. "i need it for my job." "i'll give you a hundred
dollars for it" sonny states. Man that's more then three
months pay the deputy thinks. "ok, you got a deal." sonny
paid the deputy and we got up to leave. As we walked out
the front door the deputy called out don't let that screen
door??¦
"Wham"
Broke
We piled back in sweetpea's car
and headed for home. Tiny and sonny were in the back seat,
asleep. I was schootched down in the front seat about to go
to sleep when sweetpea said, "uh-oh." "uh-oh what" i said
as i sat up. "it looks like a road block up ahead." sure
enough when i sat up i could see two tanks blocking the
road. They had their turrets turned toward us and those big
canons were looking right down our throats. The holes in
the end of those canons looked big enough to roll a
basketball in.
Sweetpea rolled up to the
roadblock and stopped. This Chinese officer came over to
the car and wanted to know what our names were and where we
were going. Well what we told him is a whole nother story
for a different time, but it didn't satisfy him so he put us
under arrest and took us to prison. They even took sonny's
six-shooter away from him.
Tiny called this lawyer he
knows and he arranged bail for us. It took every penny all
of us had but we made it and they turned us loose. On the
way out of the prison the warden yelled, "Don't let that
screen door??¦"
"Wham"
Happy
When sweetpea pulled up in
front of my house, i said, "the next time you guys want to
go get a brew don't call me." the house was dark so i knew
the tupperware party was over. I opened the screen door and
grabbed the doorknob. Shoot it's locked and i don't have my
key with me. I rang the doorbell and waited. Nothing
happened. I rang the doorbell twice. Nothing happened.
I kicked the door several times
and hollered real loud, "Johnnie let me in." well you can
bet something happened this time. Johnnie jerked the door
open and said, "stop hollering, you will wake up the whole
neighborhood." she turned around and stalked off down the
hall to the bedroom. As she went she said, "Don't let the
screen door ??¦
"Wham"
I followed her down the hall.
I sure was happy to be home.
*****
Now for those of you that have
stuck this out to the very end I want to thank you for
letting me get this out of my system. I also want to make
you a promise. I'll never write a story like this again, so
help me ??¦ well you know.
(c) 2004 Loren Moore
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Blessings to you today
Bob Johnston
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