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When do you grieve the loss of a loved one?
I always thought it was after they were gone.
How could I have been so ignorant??¦??¦??¦??¦??¦
Mother had been put in a nursing home
until she could be rehabilitated, and everyone had high
hopes she could return home in a matter of months. She had
osteoporosis, and a fractured vertebra had initially sent
her to the hospital. At 82 she did have other problems, but
her back is what kept her from returning home. She seemed
quite determined and worked with the therapist regularly.
In a short time she was able to walk again using a walker
and I could see hope return to her eyes.
Then came the heart attack, which the
doctor decided was from too much exertion in therapy as they
had added ankle weights during her walks. This was also the
beginning of the end, although it wasn??™t apparent to me yet.
We made
frequent trips to visit during this time. The first time I
saw Mom after she entered the nursing home was also the
first time I had ever stepped foot in one, and I was
terrified. I could only picture what I??™d seen on TV! They
were dirty, smelled horrid, and residents were treated
poorly. I could not have been more shocked or pleased.
This home was brand new, sparkling clean, no odors of any
sort, and had a wonderful and caring staff. It also was
only a block from Mom??™s home so it almost felt like she
wasn??™t away at all. We could stay with Dad, which was good
for him, and visit Mom off and on all day, leaving if she
had a hair appointment, wanted to take a nap, etc. It was
more like visiting someone in a hospital room, and she had a
delightful roommate to boot. They both had ambulatory
problems, but minds as sharp as tacks. I was thankful she
had been placed with someone alert and outgoing so they
could enjoy each other??™s company.
Family was
always welcome to come and share meals with their loved one,
and free of charge. They would serve guests in a beautiful
dining room (not the everyday dining area) complete with a
fireplace. The food was even delicious. I could not have
been happier with the conditions, considering the fact Mom
was in a nursing home.
Then came
the visit that caught me totally off-guard. I guess reality
finally slapped me in the face, and I had evidently been
wearing blinders for some time. We had enjoyed having
several days with both Mom and Dad. The day we left we
headed out early for our 7 hr. drive home. We said our
goodbyes to Dad, and then drove around the block to the
nursing home to say goodbye to Mother also. Being early in
the morning, everyone was still in the dining room having
breakfast. I walked in to find Mom and was so overcome I
knew I had to make it fast and get out of there. Otherwise,
I would fall apart right in front of her. There had to be
some kind of terrible mistake. My Mom did not belong here!
Yet, there she was at a table with three other ladies all
looking frail, elderly, and ill.
They were
still in their nightclothes, they were wearing BIBS, their
hair was not ???fixed??? for the day, nor did they have on any
makeup. Several of them had their oxygen machines sitting
beside them. It took every ounce of strength I had to say
goodbye, and I never did look Mom in the eye, as she would
see mine were brimming with tears. I struggled to keep them
from spilling over. I crouched behind her as I spoke and
hugged her, and with her being seated at the table it was
about all I could do anyway. Thank God for that!
I ran to
the car thinking I would surely explode with the emotion and
pain that had suddenly crashed down around me. I needed to
scream and sob out loud! But, I couldn??™t do that and expect
my husband to drive. Besides, I was afraid if I really did
let go I would never be able to stop. I felt as if there
was a huge balloon inside me that kept getting bigger and
bigger, until I thought it would burst. I stared out the
car window, and cried mile after mile in silence. Tears ran
down my face like someone had turned on a faucet and I
couldn??™t shut it off. Mom was still here, but not really??¦??¦??¦
I finally
realized my Mom was already gone, and I was already
grieving.
?© 2004
Kathleene S.Baker
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To read archived stories, click on this link:
http://archives.zinester.com/9516/2004
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Blessings to you today
Bob Johnston
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