My wife, The Queen B, wants to go dancing.  She likes to dance and thinks it would be good for me.  She wants me to bear waltz fitness.

???I??™m not supposed to have to dance,??? I whine.  ???I??™m married.  I have two left feet.  My old war injury is acting up??”the one I got when I tripped over the 5-gallon sized popcorn container after watching ???Saving Private Ryan.??™???  Actually my feet are registered with the police as dangerous weapons.

???Two left feet!  I thought you told me that you were ambidextrous????

???I may be.  After all, I am able to clap.???

???Let??™s go dancing,??? The Queen B encourages.

???We??™re not going square dancing, are we? If so, my old football injuries are all acting up again.  Remember that homecoming game in which I caught the winning touchdown after the middle linebacker had ripped my leg off?  Ruined my aspirations to be a millionaire in the NFL. Square dancing is just rap music for rural folks.  Besides, once you start paying the fiddler, you have to start paying the rest of the band.???

???We are not going square dancing, so stop worrying.  Honestly, you don??™t get this worked up about having a root canal.  Now let??™s go!???

???I hope it??™s not line dancing.  I always end up facing everyone else.  I can??™t believe that many people are unable to get the hang of such a simple dance.  I??™m not dancing with them again until they improve a lot.  The only thing worse would be having to watch ???Riverdance??™ for longer than 5 minutes.???  Years ago, my wife and I did some line dancing.  Everybody stopped dancing and watched us.  It wasn??™t because we were that good; it was because the band was playing the rumba.

???We are not going line dancing.  After your last futile attempt at that, you are the only one who can still look the other dancers in the eyes.  And we are not going to be doing any polkas or Texas two-stepping.  I like being able to walk the next day.???

???Don??™t tell me it??™s one of those old rock and roll dances?  Visions of the twist, the pony, the hully-gully, the swim and the monkey are dancing in my head.  I??™ll be needing a lot of aspirin shortly. I don??™t care to do any of those dances. When I rock, I like to do it in a chair. Besides, those old songs make me feel old.  The best thing about most old songs is that I have forgotten how bad so many of them really were.???

???Okay,??? agrees The Queen B.  ???I won??™t tell you that it??™s one of those old rock and roll dances.  Now let??™s pretend that this is a meteorology class and storm out.  And stop your complaining!  I have to do all the same steps you do, plus I have to do them backwards.  Ginger Rogers was twice the athlete that Fred Astaire was.  Cinderella danced in glass slippers, for crying out loud!???

???I don??™t know why you want to drag me to a dance.  Is that a team of horses by the door getting ready to drag me out of the house?  All I do at those blame dances is sit around a table with a bunch of other old geezers like me and talk about how rough we have it.  None of us can believe that we are still required to fulfill a two-dance minimum.  We all have old football injuries that are acting up. The lucky ones have notes from their doctors saying that they shouldn??™t be doing any dancing. One guy is so prone to motion sickness that he can??™t even handle any of the slow dances.  So what happens?  Other husbands have to dance with his wife, just to be neighborly. Is that fair?  Last time, I sat by some guy from North Dakota.  He told me that he kept his aunt??™s cremated remains in the trunk of his car.???

???He must have been very fond of his aunt????

???Not really. He said that she was as mean as a polecat with piles.  She could never remember that his name was Ron, so she always called him ???Moron.??™  The only reason he keeps her ashes is because he hides the extra key for his car in the urn and he has found that the ashes are good for traction when he gets stuck in the snow.???

???Let??™s go dancing!  I don??™t want to hear anything more about ashes, old football injuries or motion sickness!???

???Okay, but only if I can do my dance.???

???Your dance???? asks my lovely wife.

???Yeah, I call it the politician.  I take one step forward, two steps backward, a sidestep and then I take a walk like I??™m straddling a fence.  Then I shake hands with all the other dancers while motioning for them to put money into my pockets. It??™s really something to see.???

The Queen B sighs deeply and says, ???I wonder if there is anything good on TV tonight????

?©Al Batt 2001
71622 325 St.
Hartland, MN 56042
SnoEowl @ aol.com