Archives at Zinester: Starfish: Things I Have Learned, Al Batt. Starfish:. Writing

It does no one any good to nod while on the telephone.

Immediately after filling your vehicle with gas, you will drive by a gas station offering a lower price.

Sharp students do not cut classes.

The best revenge is to forgive.

You only go down the slide headfirst once.

If your power goes off, do not try to shave with your electric razor.

Farm fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.

The words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

You know that you are watching too much TV if you can name over 10 professional golfers.

A mouse trap placed on top of the snooze button on an alarm clock will prevent you from oversleeping.

An electric pencil sharpener makes a very poor nail clipper.

Don't worry about your memory unless others have begun to worry about your memory.

It's not really windy unless you have snow in your yard that originated in Alberta or Nebraska.

After an accident, the driver yelling the loudest is usually the one who is at fault.

We need more schools and fewer buses.

People hate to hear about what it is that you hate.

You should not wish for apples when you could be planting trees.

Never order a zombie in a bar in Haiti.

Good deals and bad deals even out.

You can deal with most anything in life if your favorite food comes with it.

Nobody on their deathbed ever wishes that they had watched more TV.

To get out of the way of emergency vehicles. It is a matter of life and death.

The person who suggests splitting a restaurant bill evenly is always the person who ordered the most expensive meal.

Everything is always okay at the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Put the ingredients you like best on the bottom bun, that way they are least likely to fall off your hot dog.

Janitors are the chief cause of dust.

Never take a green light at face value.

Never park near a car that needs extensive bodywork.

One should never eat lutefisk for the first time.

Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

Enjoy the taste of praise, but don't swallow it.

If someone says that they are doing something for your own good, they are most likely not.

The best food is always that which you grew up with.

When lost, look for satellite dishes. They always point south.

Interchangeable parts never are.

You never forget how to catch a cold.

Any food eaten in the movie theater has no calories.

Kids should learn more about laundry.

Photographs should be labeled and labeled quickly.

Opera singers don't like it when audience members join in.

Ants have a lot of back problems caused by lifting 20 times their own weight. You can try fighting fire with fire, but remember that the fire department uses water.

Barnum was wrong. There's a fool born every second.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Most cars are designed to travel at much higher speeds than the typical driver can handle.

Broken items always have too many parts.

When cutting down a tree, always park at least twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall.

The fact that you live within driving distance of a farm does not make you a farmer.

You can never lose friends by just listening.

Never put off to the last minute what you could do during the second-to-the-last minute.

I'm really glad that someone invented peanut butter.

The worst pencil is better than the best memory. Why trust your memory when you could write things down?

Always smell a used sofa before you buy it.

Never buy used underwear.

Vending machines prove that falling doesn't improve the taste of snacks.

People with cell phones shouldn't call radio shows.

It's better to say "thank you" when it's not warranted than to miss saying "thank you" when it was earned.

Always ask first.

Don't live your life with your brakes on.

Life is like a camel. You can make it do anything except back up.

If you have never stubbed a toe, you're probably standing still.

We get spring once summer has begun.

It's not the number of breaths we take that matters. What matters is what takes our breath away.

?ŠAl Batt 2004