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The
title of this piece is ironic. It is almost hilarious
but in a very sad way. I feel my life has anything
but clarity right now. I just was told by my company
that I will be terminated on March 5. I will be 50
years old on March 6. How nice I say.
It is
so hard to put all of this into perspective, yet I
knew it was coming. I should have left the job two
years ago. The signs were there; my health had
deteriorated and the on the job stress was getting out
of control. I was once one of the nicest customer
service reps in the company; stemming from my
personality and my counseling training. Now I found
myself barking back at the customers when they barked
at me. I turned into a monster; I was a Dr. Jeckle
and Mr. Hyde. I couldn??™t believe what happened to
me. I am not a chameleon and I do not change colours,
and yet I had. It was at that point I knew that I was
losing it. Yet I stayed on.
My
need for security is great. I shutter when I envision
myself without a job. I am afraid of losing my job.
This job has been the best paying job that I ever
had.
When
I think of the alternative, I see a very barren
future. I see a wasteland, trees, shrubs, any
vegetation, lifeless and cut off at the source. My
life is such a wasteland. I have a degree that I have
never used. I have a talent that I have wasted. My
potential in counseling was obliterated before it had
a chance to flourish. It was snuffed out and left to
rot at the stump.
I
received my degree and was not able to practice. I had
to get a job immediately. I had no one to support me.
There was no one to pay my bills. The drug user
constantly searches for that fix, that shot in the arm
which he perceives as food for his soul. But is it
really?
We
all know that is not. The fires never kindle and the
thirst is never quenched, the drug user is always
found wanting. I am like that drug user, as I search
for the job to give me the quick fix that I need in my
life and my soul.
Just
like him, I am always wanting. I turned to
telemarketing as my quick fix. Yes, it paid the
bills. But it always left me wanting. I wanted more,
I wanted a chance to use my potential, and I wanted so
much to help people. The irony was that I could not
even help myself.
Unlike the drug user, I did not completely waste my
life chasing that elusive high. I did turn to
writing. It began as an alternate avenue to express
myself. I was able to redirect my potential and my
creativity. And I did help people. I have testimonies
of many people who tell me how my writing has helped
them so much. I also started an online newsletter
filled with stories and poems from many other great
writers as well as myself. I branched out and I enjoy
every bit of it. I live for my writing and my
newsletter. I can say that with conviction. I would
never give them up.
But
unfortunately we come back to the stumbling block. My
writing does not as yet pay my bills. I have no doubt
in my mind that one day it will. I am already a
published author and I am just finishing up my second
novel, however, right now, I still have to pay my dues
in the world of professional writers before I can
reach the pinnacle of success.
The
question remains what will pay my bills? There is no
clarity on this issue. I feel overwhelmed. I know I
must find another job. But at the same time I feel
defeated. Until my writing gets to a point that it
pays off for me, how will I support myself? I am
confused, I am frustrated. I feel like a turtle that
just doesn't want to stick her head out of her shell.
I am afraid; so very, very afraid. But even while I
say these words I know that I must try. I am not that
intravenous drug user escaping from reality. I am a
survivor.
Clarity - how do I define the clarity that I need for
my life? The big picture is that I need to get a
job. But what kind of job can I get with the options
that are open to me?
I am
50 years old. I am limited by diabetes. I am
overweight. I cannot take on many jobs because of
this. I cannot do work that involves standing on my
feet. I cannot do work that involves lifting. I
cannot do customer service anymore because the stress
is insurmountable. So what do I do? I do not want to
go back to university. I am afraid that I could no
longer handle that stress either. I can not work in my
profession because I am so much out of the loop for
counseling that I would have to retrain. Even if I
didn't have to retrain, I cannot afford the license to
practice.
I
have consulted different professionals about my
situation. There are several things I must do. My
doctor tells me that I have to change jobs.
Now,
the choice is no longer mine, the company made that
decision for me. My inability to make that choice
myself was not a fault, but a calculated decision on
my part. I choose to wait until I would be fired, so
that I could collect unemployment insurance; which is
my safety net until I can get on my feet again.
Obviously the first thing that I will do when I get
that infamous pink slip is to march right over to the
government office and file my claim.
Clarity - I have decided that I need to recoup for
awhile. In this dismal mood I am in, I am of no use
to myself or another employer. I am sick, and I am
weary. I am the traveler wondering in the wildness,
my feet are heavy. They are swollen, my legs ache, my
throat thirsts but I am not anywhere near my
destination. If I do not stop and take a rest, I will
faint from exhaustion. I must lie down before I fall
down. I will rest for the night and in the morning I
will continue on my journey. Tomorrow is a bright new
day! The sojourner must always find a bright new day.
Clarity - while I am taking some time to replenish
myself. I will continue writing. Writing is in my
soul. Writing is what keeps me alive. And where the
job search is concerned, once I have brushed the
cobwebs away, I will begin to see the light of a
bright new tomorrow brimming with promise of better
jobs to come.
Gradually I will start looking for work, doing the
usual mundane things, combing the newspapers, job
banks etc, and sending out mountains of resumes.
I
will set a plan into motion. I will develop a goal.
I will make sure that I have a set quota for seeking
job interviews and sending out resumes. Since I am a
counselor by training, I know that this quota must be
realistic as well. I cannot set it now, because my
mind is not open to task, I need to replenish myself,
I need to set back and relax. But I will do these
things when the time is right.
Clarity - When is the time right? I estimate that I
will actively seek work again between 3 and 5 months
from the time that I am fired. That should give me
the long deserved break that I need, and build up my
ego once again so that I can, and will be in a place,
where I can rise up to the challenge. I am the
phoenix, I will rise from the ashes, and I will soar
out in the world and claim my destiny.
Clarity - Can I do all of this alone? No I cannot, I
need my doctor who is willing to help if long term
disability is the final option. But even before we get
there, I have already located some job search programs
that will have the professionals and the resources to
help me streamline my path to employment.
Though my future is unclear right now, it will get
better. I am a survivor. I will not give up. Though
I feel like I am out to sea in a row boat, with water
all around me and no land in sight, I will not give
up, I will not die. There is a shore and I will reach
it!
Carol
Roach
winterose@videotron.ca
Carol Roach is
a published writer and newsletter editor. You can
purchase her book: Picking up the Pieces: A Woman's
Journey at
www.publishamerica.com, or
www.amazon.com. You can also go to your local
bookstore and order it there as well. Carol is
currently working on her second novel.
If you are
interested in other stories feel free to join her
newsletter: Storytime Tapestry at:
storytime_tapestry-subscribe@yahoogroups.com, or
email her directly at
winterose@videotron.ca and she will be glad to
accommodate you. Carol enjoys email and responds to
every inquiry. |
