Archives at Zinester: Starfish: Shortcut to the Cemetary, Kathy Baker. Starfish:. Writing

It was a beautiful spring morning, in the early 1970??™s, as Cecil headed out the door for work.? He??™d almost made a clean getaway, when he heard his wife??™s reminder once again.? ???Cecil, you haven??™t forgotten about the surprise party tonight have you???? asked Del, for the umpteenth time since midweek.? ???You know how important it is, you simply can??™t be late! The fact that it??™s early evening is precisely why it??™s going to be such a huge success.???

He took a deep cleansing breath.? ???Yes, kiddo, I??™ll be home early.? I??™m not about to spoil the party, and I can??™t wait to see the look on her face either.? She??™s my daughter too, you know!???? He blew Del a kiss as he backed out of the garage.

Cecil was a Senior Officer in his company, and they closed early each Friday so folks could beat the rush hour.? He had been known to get lost in his work and forget the time, but it wasn??™t about to happen today.? Del had planted notes all over the house for a week, and he??™d stuck others in every nook and cranny of his dashboard.? To be on the safe side, he had alerted his secretary, and even set an alarm clock on his desk.? There was simply no way he would be late, short of dropping dead.

It was a rather slow Friday, so Cecil headed out even earlier than planned.? He wasn??™t taking any chances!? Should anything unforeseen occur, he was confident he would still have time to spare.?

He pulled out of the parking garage, started down the street, and a block from his office traffic came to a dead standstill.? He was first in line to make a right-hand turn that would head him toward home.? However, he was now witnessing the longest, and slowest, funeral procession he??™d ever laid eyes on.? Not to mention, in the middle of the intersection was a motorcycle officer keeping watch on the procession, and directing traffic.? He was a rather surly looking fellow, wearing dark sunglasses, and his body language made it obvious he thought he was a big shot.

Cecil sat, and sat, and sat, as the cars with their headlights beaming just kept on coming.? Now and then the patrolman would give Cecil a crooked smile; it was hard smiling back as he watched the minutes ticking away on his watch.? To the driver behind him, he must have looked like he was bobbing his head to a favorite tune; he simply couldn??™t keep his eyes off his watch.? His palms began to sweat, as he realized the consequences that could be in store for him.? If he was late for that surprise party, the next funeral procession might well be his own!?

With one last devious smile, the officer adjusted his sunglasses, and moved down to another intersection.? The last few stragglers in the procession were finally directly in front of Cecil.? Knowing it wasn??™t the appropriate thing to do, he pulled in behind the last car and turned on his headlights, hoping to ???mix in.???? He began to feel a sense of calm now that he was making progress once again; home was only a few miles away.? One quick turn at the next side street, and he??™d be free of the pokey procession at long last.

? Then, he glanced over to see the same hotshot officer pulling up along side him!? Uh oh ??“ now he figured it was ???major ticket time!???? He could only imagine what the fine was for something of this nature.? It would surely be a whopper, as it should be.? His sense of calm dissolved, as overwhelming guilt swept over him with the force of a tidal wave.? Why had he done something so disrespectful?? It simply wasn??™t his nature!? If he was slapped with a huge fine, he figured it was a small price to pay for his stupid actions.

? ???God forbid,??? he stammered.? ???What if I??™m thrown in jail?? And, all because of a stupid surprise party.? This time Del??™s nagging has done me in for sure!???

Hoping to outsmart the ???biker cop,??? he skipped his planned turn, and continued to follow the procession; which then advanced onto the freeway.? ???No problem,??? he said aloud.? ???I??™ll just take the first exit and be home in a jiffy.???? It appeared the officer had gone on ahead, and soon all would be right with his world once more.

Just as Cecil was coming upon his planned escape from the freeway, his favorite patrolman pulled along side again!? He evidently hadn??™t ???mixed in??? as he??™d hoped, and the darned cop was still on his tail.? So, he continued to drive.? Talking to himself yet again he said, ???What is this idiot up to anyway?? Why doesn??™t he just pull me over, give me the darned ticket, and get it over with?? He must get his kicks terrorizing people!???

Cecil kept driving, and the officer never once motioned for him to pull over.? ???This must be some rookie cop, and he??™s playing games with me,??? Cecil grumbled to himself.?

As the ???idiot cop??? blocked exit after exit, he kept offering up his spiteful smiles.? Cecil was getting further from home as he drove, and there seemed to be no other option ??“ he would be visiting the cemetery!? It was obvious the diligent officer had no intention of letting him drop out of the procession.? What a sight it would be when the ???man in blue??? began writing up a ticket at graveside!? Should that happen, he wondered if he should explain to the family of the deceased.? He supposed the officer could order him to apologize.? Things were getting worse by the minute, and in the recesses of his mind he could already hear Del; and he didn??™t like what he was hearing!

Following the procession through the cemetery gates, Cecil figured he had now driven at least eight miles out of his way.? To accommodate all the autos, mourners were forced to park here, there, and everywhere.? Cecil had one last hope; perhaps the depraved, smiling patrolman had lost track of him in the scramble for parking spots.? He sat in his car prepared to drive off at the first opportunity.? Time was running out on him, and he still had to backtrack eight miles!

? Suddenly he heard the dreaded sound of a motorcycle again!? The lawman pulled up, parked his bike to block Cecil from pulling out, and flashed another of his annoying smiles.

Cecil promptly got out of his car and fell in with the throng of people heading to the gravesite.? As the preacher spoke, he cautiously kept an eye on his watch, while avoiding eye contact with anyone near him.? He knew he wasn??™t being very sensitive to the situation, as he kept thinking to himself, ???Hurry it up now, I??™ve got to get going.???

???Amen!??? he chimed in at the end of the service, and set off for the parking area.? Anyone watching him ???high steppin??™ it,??? would have thought he was in dire need of a men??™s room.? He couldn??™t believe his eyes once he reached his car.? The bike and the smiling cop with sunglasses were nowhere in sight!? He looked to the skies and uttered a very sincere, ???Thank you, God!???

As he screeched to a halt in the garage, his trusty watch told him he had five minutes to spare.? He flew into the house, and zoomed right past Del nearly knocking her over.? She caught up with him in the bathroom splashing cold water on his face.? ???And, just where in the world have you been, Cecil????

He turned around with droplets of cold water running down his face, and looked directly at her.? With a slight twinkle in his eye, and a very wry smile on his face, he answered, ???Del, don??™t ask me again!? Ever!???