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? ? ?
Perhaps, there are some who will read this and not
understand.? But, you have not had a divorce, with
children involved (thank God).? If you have, you may
have had a time like this.? Though, I hope not.
? ? ? I
had already had a divorce. ? I had watched my little
daughter, three years old at the time, be pulled to
pieces; a? struggle between my daughter??™s safety and
just loving her.? But, I had vowed that would never
happen to a child of mine, again.
? ? ? I
married, again, meaning my pledges with all my heart
(vowing it was forever). ? I even found courage to try
to have a family, again.? My son was the first, then a
daughter.
? ? ? I
spent so many hours caring for my son, while
completing my studies, that the bonding was the
strongest ever in my life.? My son was 2, my daughter
6 months, when, once again, it all fell apart.? The
harder I tried to pull it together, the more it fell
apart.
? ? ?
Court was a joke.? A man, whom the court appointed and
I paid, forgot half the square feet in my house,
forgot I had a room for each of the kids, and forgot I
took the children to their baby sitter and I picked
them up.? He forgot my fenced yard.? But, I still had
to pay his full price.
? ? ? One
evening, I came home, broken so bad I thought my
insides would just disintegrate, aching for the kids.?
I wondered how I even lived.? I walked into my son??™s
room. ? Some of his toys were on the floor and I began
picking them up.? They were his farm animals.
? ? ? I
just laid down on the floor and began crying.? I
arranged all the animals and the corals, the barn
and? other trucks.? I lay there, missing him so bad.
? ? ? I
returned to work and, when I came in that night, my
ex-wife had been there for some of their clothing.? I
don??™t know if it was done on purpose.? But, it might
as well have been.? For, the little things I had
arranged were strewn all over the room, in disarray.?
It was like a "force" had slapped me down, again.? I
just couldn??™t stand any more.
? ? ? I
was a medical technician.? So, I got a needle, put? one
end? in my vein and the other end in a gallon jar.? I
took all the rest of some sleeping pills I had and
prayed that God would forgive me and? understand that I
had already had all the pain I could endure.
? ? ? When
I woke up, first, I was surprised.? The blood had
coagulated.? But, I had lost a lot of it.
? ? ? What
was there to do, but to go to work?? So I went, pale
and weak.? It was very visible, lots of questions that
I didn??™t care to answer.
? ? ? One
day, I shared this with my mother.? She said she
crawled in my skin and wrote this, for there are many
men like me.? I know there is a God and that He loves
us. ? I don??™t understand suffering.? I know this tells
how I felt that night.? Time is a friend, in the end.?
And, those moments in which my whole being was
screaming is muted some, now.? It would have to be for
me to go on living.
? ? ? I
had thought I could explain, some day, to my kids and
they would understand.? But, I see, now, that even
that small comfort will not be mine.? They have lived
with their mother, not being pulled on by me.? And, to
explain any more would only tear down a relationship
they need.? Many things down here are left for
eternity to finish.
? ? ?
Somewhere, out there, a man, like me, is agonizing and
maybe needs to know someone else does understand.
?© 2003? by Joan Clifton Costner
http://underhiswings0.tripod.com
as? shared by Gary Dale Costner
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