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It seems like
just yesterday those little notes signed, ???(heart), your
only daughter,??? would pop up around the house for no special
reason.? I often wondered if she was trying to tell me
something.? Maybe I was giving more attention to her older
brothers than to her, maybe she was feeling insecure about
our relationship, or maybe she was just being the loving
little girl that blessed my life everyday.? Bottom line is
this: I took her love for granted.
As the teen
years rolled around, I? looked upon my budding blossom, with
her modest attire, her quiet reserve, her many academic
achievements, and her compliant behavior; and I could not
imagine that she and I would ever be ???at odds with each
other.???? She talked to me about everything, and? she looked
up to me. I? went to? every soccer game, track meet or special
event.? She and I? teamed up to decorate for family
birthdays, give each other pedicures, laugh and cry while
watching movies with one another.? We baked goodies in the
kitchen, as I tried to instill in her how important it was
to serve others and extend hospitality.? We went shopping
for clothes, and? we always seemed to see eye to eye about
everything. She was a ???good girl??? and I was a proud
mama.? She told me that many of her schoolmates? ???were either
promiscuous, pregnant, drinking heavily, or worse,??? adding,
???You don't know how bad other parents have it, Mom.??? I just
assumed that she would never fall into any of those traps,
because I was ???always there;??? the devoted ???stay-at-home
Mom,??? with great kids and the badge to show for it.
Then one day,
it all began to fall apart, right before my eyes.
I was shocked
to find that our car was missing one morning, when her
father got up for work.? We checked our daughter's room,
only to find her missing as well.? Frantic, we began making
phone calls; to her cell phone, her friend's homes, etc.? No
response.? Then finally she answered, and confessed that she
was ???on the freeway, coming back from a party.???? She had
defied our rules, sneaked out of the house, took the car,
and we were flabbergasted!? As she entered the house that
morning, the tears began to flow.? She explained that she
???was tired of being the good girl.???? ? All of her friends
were at that party, and she was never allowed to go, so she
just decided to rebel.? I remember looking at her with my
mouth open, speechless for a moment.? We had never had to
discipline our youngest child, really.? She never needed
more than ???a look??? from either of us, to teach her right
from wrong.? For the first time in her young life, she was
grounded.
The little
???heart??? notes began to dwindle from sight. The times we
spent in the kitchen became? few and far? between. Her
clothing choices became more revealing and our ???talks???
turned into ???20 questions,??? as the gap between me and my
daughter grew wider and wider.?
It was
Christmas Eve, and I was busy preparing the meal, and
appetizers, when I urged the kids to help out.? Although our
two sons were included, I always expected more out of my
daughter.? After all, she WAS a female!
In the midst
of my complaining to her, she burst out with an emotional,
???Mom, I am NOT like you ??¦ I don't like domestic duties ??¦
I am going to be a ???career woman??? with a maid and a cook!? I
don't have the same interests as you!? I'm not just going to
stay at home; I am going to be more than that!"?
Well, the lump in my throat was obvious as I responded back,
in self-defense.? I reminded her of the jobs I held outside
the home during her childhood, working graveyard shift, so
that I could be home when she and her brothers needed me.
Through uncontrolled tears, I pointed out the sacrifices I??™d
made, and the reasons for doing so; to ensure that she would
have all the necessary teaching and training I could give.?
How dare? she make me feel like my life ???was a waste??? and not
worth emulating.? I was hurt, deeply hurt.?
In the days
and months that followed, it was made clear to me that my
counsel was ???old fashioned??? and my morals were ???outdated,???
as? was
my taste in clothes.? My daughter no longer wanted me to
shop with her, talk with her, or anything.? I was losing
her.
My closest
friends tried to console me and remind me that ???this too
will pass.???? They confirmed that we had raised our kids in
the way they should go, and God's promise to us was that
???when they were older they would not depart ??¦??? But my heart
was heavy, as I worried about her going too far, possibly
hurting herself.
When my
husband and I were planning on moving to a new city, my
daughter, who was now in college, informed us that she would
not be going with us, but would be moving out on her own ??¦
with a friend.? It was hard enough when my two sons ventured
out into the world, but it was devastating for me to think
about our little girl, our baby, doing the same.? I wasn't
ready for her to go; I wasn't ready for the ???empty nest;???
There was so much more to teach her, to give her, to prepare
her, I thought.? I cried to her father, ???Why doesn't she
need us anymore????? ???How are we going to protect her????
The day we
packed up her belongings and set her up in her own apartment
was a painful phase for me.? I must have called her cell
phone five times in the first fifteen minutes after heading
for home.? She never answered.? I sat in the middle of her
empty room, once filled with pink frills, trophies, and
collector dolls, and cried my eyes out.
It wasn't
long before her father and I learned that her ???roommate??? was
her boyfriend.? Although she had lied to us (to avoid the
parental confrontation), the truth had finally come out when
she called for help with her car.? My husband was just as
upset as I was.? The blow of his daughter's ???new roommate???
was evident as he shared with me how he felt robbed of that
precious experience of watching her go out on a date, with
the boy coming to our home, seeking her father's approval.?
Sure he had ???met the boy??? but he definitely wasn't ready for
this!?
Again and
again, my family and friends would reassure us that our
daughter was just trying to ???find herself,??? ???to be her own
person,??? and ???stretch her wings.???? I, for one, would often
wonder ???what did I do wrong????? And I would pray for her
safety, her life, and her heart.
Then one day
she announced that she was going to become an egg donor.?
At 20 years of age, how could she make a decision such as
this? I thought. ? I tried to discourage her, but
she was adamant about it.? I made my opinion known, as I had
about her living arrangements, but it seemed to matter
little to her.? She went ahead with the process.? Not once,
not twice, but three times in one year!?
The pivotal
place for me was when she asked me to come along with her,
to be there during each procedure.? I knew I could have
stood my ground, insisting on having NO part in this
decision, with hopes that she would see things my way, and
wait till she had her own children first.? But I didn't.?
The bottom line, I decided, was that she was my daughter,
and I would love and support her no matter what she did in
life, or who she lived with, or how different she was from
me.? I began to let go.
Over a
year? and a half has passed since that Christmas Eve when I
lost connection with my youngest child; my baby girl.?
During that time, I observed how she called and? chatted with
her father about many things; career choices, vehicle
maintenance, job ethics, investments, and education.? He
never brought up? the life choices that she knew we disagreed
with, but just continued to keep the door open for her.?
Often, the call? ended without? so much as a ???let me talk to
Mom??? comment.? I was hurt, but I understood, since most of
our conversations always led back to ???what she was doing
wrong.??? I realized that my reminding her of what I thought
she should be doing was only pushing her away.
I guess you
could say it was a turning point for me.? Having felt like a
failure as a parent, as a role model, as a Christian woman,
a heavy cloud had formed over my head. It affected every
aspect of my life.? I even stopped writing, assuming that
there was nothing to write about since there was ???no happy
ending.???? There were, also, other family crises that
contributed to my ongoing depression, as well. I knew that
God was in control, and not me, but I was angry at Him for
allowing things to go the way they did.?
Sometimes, we
just have to learn the hard way, don't we??
Now, my
parental plight could have been worse, and pales in
comparison to others, but the concept is still the same.
Accepting the things we cannot change, the courage to change
the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference
is the key. My daughter's situation remains the same;
however, the phone rings now, almost every day, with her
need to ???just talk,??? or a ???quick question,??? or a ???how ya
doing????? She may? call me for a family recipe, advice about
personal issues, or with a plan for? the two of us? to go to a
play or shopping or an amusement park together, just us
girls.? I smile inside.? It spreads to my face as I listen
to her, and see her with new eyes.?
We are
enjoying womanhood together, and although I am still her
Mom, she considers me ???her best friend??? as well.? Our
relationship has flourished and she knows I want only the
best for her.? I thought I had lost her, but when I learned
to let go, I found her heart again.? When I gave up trying
to control her life, I found my own peace.? It's? not the
completed ???happy ending??? I was hoping for, but I trust God
to take care of the rest.? The empty nest is a tough
transition, no doubt, but there really is life after it
happens.? I may not always agree with what our kids do, but
I agree with who they are. Doesn??™t God feel the same way
about all of us??
Recently, a
card came in the mail from my baby girl, thanking me ???for
always being there for her.??? She added, ???You raised me into
a woman, a reflection of you.? I cherish the times when
people say, ???you're so much like your Mom,??™ yet I know I
still have much to learn from you ??¦ Thank you for being so
patient ??¦ I love you.???
And it was
signed, (heart), your only daughter.
Ginger Boda ??“
Rhymerbabe@aol.com
?©
2005
Ginger is an award winning author for Starfish, having been
included in the "Wall of Fame," and has contributed to
various other online publications, as well.? Her work is
also featured in
Chicken Soup For the Bride's Soul, and the
Christmas edition of
God's Way.?
Weaving faith, tradition and humor into her stories and
poetry, she writes from the heart.? Ginger lives in
Southern California
with her husband, Mark, of 28 years.? They have three grown
children, who have left the nest, but visit often ... to
their parent's delight!? Ginger also loves to read, garden,
karaoke, and strives to? make a memory? every day.
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