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GETTING BETTER
WITH AGE
???You??™re not
getting older, you??™re getting better.??? Everyone who has
reached a certain age has heard it.
Do we really
improve with age like a fine wine? Antiques increase in
value as they age. A dead skunk smells a little less vile
with the passage of time.
So some things
do get better with age. Others progress into functional
obsolescence.
I think I can
safely assume that we all want to become better. If we are
getting better all the time, maybe the problem is that we
just don??™t test well? It takes no time to grow old. We are
becoming older, but are we becoming better? I guess it
depends on how you define better.
As a man, I can
speak only as to how age impacts a man.
As we get older,
our abilities to date cheerleaders and to eat spicy food
certainly diminish. On the other hand, our abilities to
discuss medical procedures and to become masters at useless
trivia are enhanced.
We definitely
become better at some things. We suddenly are able to use
coupons and to demand refunds. These were things that our
younger selves found much too embarrassing.
We take naps.
Oh, we took naps before we reached a certain age. The
difference is that now we admit to taking naps. Before
this, we followed the young man??™s credo that applies to
pretty much everything, ???Deny, deny, deny.??? We find it easy
to take a nap. The first TV commercial featuring credit
cards or feminine hygiene products could just as well be
Mister Sandman. The louder the commercials blare, the
better we sleep.
We are able to
eat more disgusting things like lutefisk and er,
uh...lutefisk. This is because most of our discriminating
taste buds have died and the ones that are left just don??™t
care anymore. We can eat anything thanks to stretch pants.
We increase our
vocabulary by throwing in phrases like, ???Let??™s watch The
Weather Channel,??? ???At least you still have your health,??? ???I
need glasses to find my glasses,??? ???He doesn??™t know diddly-squat???
and ???You young whippersnapper.???
We try to fool
anyone who is younger than we are that wisdom really does
come with age by uttering proclamations that sound so
incredibly profound to our ears. They probably don??™t sound
quite so insightful to ears without so much age to them.
???Life is like a
roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the
faster it goes.???
???I??™m getting
better at forgetting than remembering. Funny, I don??™t
remember being absent-minded.???
???Somewhere,
Barney Fife is sitting with a bullet in his pocket.???
???I used to know
everything, but I??™m tapering off.???
We crack us up.
We spend a lot
of time talking to ourselves.
Where men who
have attained a certain age really shine is in the ability
to give advice??”especially advice that has not been asked
for. We??™ve been there and we at least attempted to have
done that. We??™re no longer willing to help you move things,
but we??™re more than happy to tell you how to lift things.
We offer time-tested advice beginning with the words, ???When
I was your age...??? We have become experts in automobile
engine repair, even though we can??™t tell a Phillips
screwdriver from a crescent wrench. We pontificate on how
to save money on auto insurance to all who will listen even
half-heartedly. We are more than willing to give investment
advice as long as none of our money is involved. We offer
home repair advice that would make Bob Vila violently ill.
We dream up new uses for duct tape. We drone on for hours on
a mind-numbing treatise on the pros and cons of tattoos. We
become aging irascible curmudgeons who try to convince
others that the secret to happiness can be found in the
price of gasoline.
We relive the
past because it??™s better than worrying about the future. We
share our experiences and advice in the belief that there
are no sweeter words than ???I told you so.???
Oh, there will
be those who will call us pains, but I like to think of us
as merely dull aches.
Sooner or later,
we do get it. We come to the reasonable conclusion that the
world is run by grandchildren. But does that make us
better?
Are we getting
better? Are we improving with age?
I think I speak
for all men when I say, ???Yes, we are improving with age as
long as improving with age means wearing black socks with
shorts and sandals.
?©Al Batt 2005 |
