Archives at Zinester: Starfish: "JUst for Fun", I'm On and I Can't Get Off, by Loren M. & Kathy B.. Starfish:. Writing

KATHY WRITES:

Spring had sprung in north Texas. Flowers and trees were blooming, and the breeze was cool. It was a perfect Sunday afternoon to take a leisurely drive, enjoy nature coming to life, and that??冱 exactly what Kathy decided to do.

She drove, and drove, and drove. The blooms announcing springtime were spectacular. Suddenly, she realized she had no idea where she was in this monstrous city called, The Dallas Metroplex. Not one thing looked familiar, no street signs sounded familiar, and she was alone. She grabbed her cell phone to call Jerry, her husband. He had grown up in Dallas and no is area unfamiliar to him. She dialed home, and then caught herself saying aloud, ???You dope, Jerry isn??冲 home. He flew out early this morning!???

Spotting an empty parking lot, Kathy pulled in to gather her thoughts, and to dig through her truck looking for a city map. There was no map to be found!

???Ok, let??冱 walk off some of these nerves,??? she said to herself. The parking lot was completely empty, but still had its old Wal-Mart sign, now hanging lop-sided on the front of the building. ???A few laps around this lot and I know I??冤l feel better.??? She walked and thought about whom she should call, as she hated disturbing anyone on a Sunday afternoon.

After a few laps, she moved close to the building to sit down in the shade. Then, she noticed it. Very strange, when the store moved, they had left the mechanical horse for children. Kathy dropped in two quarters, hopped on, and the darned thing still worked! It did wonders for her nerves, but as she started to dismount, her back went ???ZING!??? No matter how she tried, she could not get off the blasted horse.

Luckily, she had her cell phone in her pocket. As much as she hated to do it, she called her old friend Loren.

LOREN WRITES:

When Kathy dialed Loren's telephone number, the phone rang four times, and then his answering machine picked up. Kathy had dark thoughts about that old codger as she waited for the beep to leave a message. When she heard the beep, the first thing she said was, "Where are you? You never leave home unless Johnnie drives you, and I know she went on that tour to San Antonio. Call me as soon as you get this message. I'm in trouble and I need your help."

As Kathy sat there on that horse, she could see her red pickup out by the street. It wasn't more than 200 yards away, but it might as well have been 200 miles. Just then Kathy saw a new model Lincoln Town Car, with very dark tinted windows, pull into the parking lot next to her pickup. Someone jumped out of the Lincoln and pointed something at the pickup door.

Then he reached over, opened the door, and jumped in. In two minutes time he had the pickup started, and was driving off in it. The Lincoln followed it out on to the street. Kathy sat there in stunned silence. Then she grabbed her cell phone and dialed 911.

"911, what is your emergency?"

Kathy said, "My pickup has just been stolen; I need a police car to stop them."

911: "What is your location?"

"I don't know!" Was Kathy's painful answer.

911: "Well, you're on a cell phone and I can't get a fix on your location, so you??决e going to have to help me. What do you see around you?"

Kathy: "I see a closed up Wal-Mart store with a mechanical horse out in front of it."

911: "It's early in the day for a Wal-Mart store to be closed."

Kathy: "No, no. I mean it's an old store that has been closed for some time. You see, I was lost, so I stopped in the parking lot of this closed up Wal-Mart store. I wanted to walk around and try to think of where I was. Then I saw this mechanical horse out in front on the sidewalk; I got on it, put my two quarters in it, and rode until it quit rocking. Then when I started to get off, my back when out, and now I can't get off.

There was a long silence, and then the 911 operator ask, "Have you been drinking?"

That's when Kathy pushed the disconnect button.

Before she could put her cell phone back into her pocket, it rang. She answered, and it was Loren.

KATHY WRITES:

???It??冱 about time, you old coot, and just where have you been anyway???? snapped Kathy.

Loren snapped right back. ???You listen to me! I called back as quickly as I could, and kept getting a darned busy signal. Besides, when the phone rang I was in the shower. I tried to get to it, but Little Fox ran right in front of me and knocked me flat on my face.???

???Oh, yeah, sure. Always some lame excuse. You and I both know you were taking a nap like you do every afternoon.???

Loren was getting a little hot under the collar. He truly was in the shower, and he??囘 smacked his nose hard on the floor. It was still bleeding, in fact. ???Just tell me what the problem is before I hang up. I have better things to do than argue with you.???

Then Loren could hear the sniffing begin. He had hurt her feelings and now she was crying. Women were impossible!

Kathy began to explain, ???Loren, ssnnff, I??冦 lost and I??冦 on a horse, ssnnff, and I can??冲 get off. The 911 people can??冲 find me, ssnnff, and if I could get off this horse, ssnnff, ssnnff, ssnnff, it wouldn??冲 make any difference. Someone stole my truck, wwaaaaaa.???

???Ok, you tell me something, and you be honest. Is this a joke, or have you been drinking???? Loren asked with an agitated tone.???

That tone was just enough to slow down the tears, as Kathy was getting plenty agitated too. ???NO! NO! NO! It??冱 not a joke and I haven??冲 been drinking!???

After a few more sniffs and snorts, Kathy continued. ???I can??冲 do anything until I get off this blasted horse. You need to come find me. And, I mean NOW!???

???Fine, Kathy. Now, are you at a riding academy, out on a friend??冱 ranch, or what? You have to tell me where you are.???

???I don??冲 know where I am! How many times do I have to tell you that????

Loren was getting more confused by the minute, but was doing his best to be patient. It was obvious Kathy was quite upset. ???Well, then, what can you tell me about the horse????

???It??冱 brown and white, ssnnff, and runs for about 2 minutes on 2 quarters,??? Kathy whimpered.

LOREN WRITES:

"He runs two quarters of a mile in two minutes! Kathy, what kind of old nag are you riding? Little Fox can run faster than that. Where are you riding the horse?"

Loren sat down on a bar stool at the kitchen bar.

"Loren, I'm in a Wal-Mart parking lot."

"You're in a Wal-Mart parking lot? Kathy, why would you ride a horse in a Wal-Mart parking lot? Isn't the parking lot full of cars? A car might hit you. Where did you get the horse anyway?"

"Loren, you don't understand." Then Kathy tuned up and started bawling again.

Loren laid the phone on the bar, went around to the cabinet, and got down his jar of Jif Creamy Peanut Butter. He got a spoon and took a big bite. Then he went back and picked up the phone. Kathy??冱 crying was down to a few sniffs and sobs.

"Kathy, forget the horse. Just tell me where you are."

"I told you Loren, I??冦 on a Wal-Mart parking lot."

"Ok, now Kathy, calm down. Just ride the horse up to the doors, wait for someone to come out, and ask them where you are."

There was another outbreak of loud wailing and crying. Loren put the phone back on the bar and went to the refrigerator for a glass of milk. If this telephone call lasted much longer, he might have to take one of Johnnie??冱 Prozac??冱. When he picked up the phone this time, Kathy was hollering! "Loren, Loren, are you there?"

"Yes, Kathy, I??冦 here," he sighed. "But you're not making any sense with what you're telling me. Why don't you start from the beginning, and tell me about your whole day?"

So, Kathy started over and told Loren everything.

"Ok, Kathy, now I understand why you need help. Let??冱 see if we can figure out where you are. Look back at the street. What is on the right side of the parking lot?"

"I see a big 'Dairy Queen' sign sticking up over there."

"Good. Now what do you see of the left side of the lot?"

"I see a 'Radio Shack' sign."

"Kathy, you sit tight and give me a little time to work on this. Sit tight,

har, har, har," and he hung up.

"Har, har, har? Sounds like a donkey, no, a jackass, braying to me," Kathy thought.

She folded her arms on the horse's neck and rested her forehead on them. In a little, Kathy heard a voice say, "Will you get off the horse so my son can ride it?"

Kathy looked up and saw a woman standing there holding the hand of a four or five-year-old boy. Kathy told the woman she couldn't get off because her back hurt. The woman gave her a hard look and asked her if she had been drinking? Kathy told her, "Not yet! But if I had something to drink, I would start right now!"

Meanwhile, Loren had called an old friend he had hunted and fished with in their younger days, and asked him for help. Lynn had worked for the government in some hush, hush way, and had been in the military. When he got his 30 years in, he had retired; then he moved to the Dallas area. He had taken a job with Wal-Mart as the head of security, for all the Dallas Metroplex area Wal-Mart stores.

When Loren gave Lynn the information he had, it didn't take Lynn long to come up with the location of the old store. Loren thanked him and called a taxi.

When the cab pulled up beside Kathy, she had her head down and she appeared to be asleep. The cab ride had cost him $38.50. He handed the driver two $ 20 bills and jumped out of the cab. When he slammed the cab door, Kathy looked up in time to see the cab drive off.

"Loren what took you so long to get here? I bet you stopped at "Top Cat" and ate lunch on the way. That would be just like you, always thinking of yourself."

"Oh, shut up Kathy, and give me your cell phone."

She was too tired to even fuss at him for telling her to "shut up." She just handed him her cell phone. Loren called 911 and asked for an ambulance and a police car. In just a few minutes they were both there. The policeman took a report from Kathy about her truck being stolen, as the paramedics loaded Kathy into the ambulance. Loren climbed in the back with Kathy, and they were off to the hospital.

KATHY WRITES:

???Oh, no! Am I in the Psychiatric Ward? Why am I tied down, and up, and every which way? Wwhhaat? Who put my legs up in the air? Did that horse throw me? Am I p-p-par-paralyzed???? Kathy was just a tad bit confused as she began coming out of her anesthetic.

Loren was sitting by her bed laughing. She really was quite a sight lying there in traction! ???No, you aren??冲 in the Psych. Ward, but I think you should be!???

After that wisecrack, he literally had tears running down his face, as he slapped his leg. He looked like someone about to jump up and dance a jig.

???Where??冱 my horse? Oh, now I remember. The horse stole my t-t-tr-truck!???

???Yee-haw! She??冱 as dumb medicated as she is normally,??? Loren laughed.

???It??冱 not f-f-funny, Loren. Now I??况e got it, someone stole my truck with the horse in it. Is that right? Why am I tied up, anyway? You better s-s-start explaining or I??冦 gonna scream for help.???

Kathy??冱 cell phone began ringing, so Loren answered, ???Hello.???

???Excuse me, but just who is this???? questioned Kathy??冱 husband, Jerry.

???Hi, Jerry. It??冱 me, Loren! How are you anyway????

???How I am, depends on why you??决e answering Kathy??冱 phone! What??冱 all that racket in the background ??� are you guys in a bar???? The tone of Jerry??冱 voice was not friendly.

Before Loren could answer, the hospital speaker system started blasting. ???CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE!???

???Did I just hear them calling a ???CODE??� in a hospital???? asked Jerry. He was getting concerned about this situation. Any time Loren was involved, it spelled disaster with a capital ???D.??�

???Jerry, don??冲 panic. The ???Code??� isn??冲 for Kathy. She??冱 going to be just fine.???

???Are you saying she??冱 really in the hospital?

Loren gently replied, ???Yes, but she??冤l be fine.???

???I want the truth, Loren. What kind of mess did you get her into this time????

???Well, you won??冲 believe it, but I??冤l tell you anyway. And, this time I had nothing to do with it! Well, other than helping rescue her.???

???Go on, Loren!???

???She was riding a mechanical horse in front of a Wal-Mart store when she threw her back out. She couldn??冲 get off, so she called 911. They accused her of being drunk so she hung up on them, and then she called me. Right now she??冱 in traction.???

Jerry couldn??冲 believe his ears! When was this woman ever going to grow up?

Loren continued, ???Oh, yeah, one more thing! While she was stuck on the horse, someone stole her truck.???

???Click.???

Loren had a puzzled look on his face. Did Jerry hang up on him, or did they just lose their connection?

LOREN WRITES:

An hour later, a police detective walked into Kathy??冱 room. "Well Mrs. Baker, I have some good news, and some bad news."

Kathy asked, "What is the good news?"

"We found your pickup," said the detective.

"Then what is the bad news?" Kathy wanted to know.

The detective pulled a little notebook out of his pocket and began to read, " The motor is in Plano, the fenders and hood are in Grand Prairie, and the bed is in Mansfield. We??决e not sure where the cab is, but we'll find it. It could be in Cedar Hill"

Kathy began to cry, "Waaaaa, waaaaa, boo hoo, sniff, sniff."

Loren got up and left the room with the detective right behind him. The detective asked Loren if she was always like that. Loren??冱 answer was, " Quite often." The detective just shook his head and left the hospital. Loren went down to the cafeteria, got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a glass of milk.

Meanwhile Kathy??冱 cell phone rang again. This time Kathy answered it. It was Jerry calling again.

"Are you really in the hospital?" He wanted to know. Kathy told him the whole story from start to finish, and how she was now in traction. The doctor had told her she would be in traction for several days. Maybe even a week or two. She told Jerry what the detective had said about her pickup, and she began to tune up again.

"Well, that's a good place for you. At least I??冤l know where you'll be until I get back in town. Then we can turn in an insurance claim for your pickup. Now you tell that Loren to go home and stay away from you. Every time you two get within a mile of each other, something goes wrong. And, I don't want any back talk from you."

"That??冱 not fair! Loren saved me from that blasted horse, and he's promised to come visit every single day. Everyone else is out of town or something!"

"You heard me, Kathy."

Kathy was getting steamed. "Well, just how do you think you're gonna stop him. There??冱 not a thing you can do about it from Chicago, so there!"

"Oh, but I??况e already done it. Hospital security is posting an officer outside your door, my dear," Jerry said chuckling.

"What? How dare you??ｦ??ｦ"

THE END

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