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KATHY WRITES:
Spring had sprung in north
Texas. Flowers and trees were blooming, and the breeze was
cool. It was a perfect Sunday afternoon to take a leisurely
drive, enjoy nature coming to life, and that??™s exactly what
Kathy decided to do.
She drove, and drove, and
drove. The blooms announcing springtime were spectacular.
Suddenly, she realized she had no idea where she was in this
monstrous city called, The Dallas Metroplex. Not one thing
looked familiar, no street signs sounded familiar, and she
was alone. She grabbed her cell phone to call Jerry, her
husband. He had grown up in Dallas and no is area
unfamiliar to him. She dialed home, and then caught herself
saying aloud, ???You dope, Jerry isn??™t home. He flew out
early this morning!???
Spotting an empty parking
lot, Kathy pulled in to gather her thoughts, and to dig
through her truck looking for a city map. There was no map
to be found!
???Ok, let??™s walk off some of
these nerves,??? she said to herself. The parking lot was
completely empty, but still had its old Wal-Mart sign, now
hanging lop-sided on the front of the building. ???A few laps
around this lot and I know I??™ll feel better.??? She walked
and thought about whom she should call, as she hated
disturbing anyone on a Sunday afternoon.
After a few laps, she moved
close to the building to sit down in the shade. Then, she
noticed it. Very strange, when the store moved, they had
left the mechanical horse for children. Kathy dropped in
two quarters, hopped on, and the darned thing still worked!
It did wonders for her nerves, but as she started to
dismount, her back went ???ZING!??? No matter how she tried,
she could not get off the blasted horse.
Luckily, she had her cell
phone in her pocket. As much as she hated to do it, she
called her old friend Loren.
LOREN WRITES:
When Kathy
dialed Loren's telephone number, the phone rang four times,
and then his answering machine picked up. Kathy had dark
thoughts about that old codger as she waited for the beep to
leave a message. When she heard the beep, the first thing
she said was, "Where are you? You never leave home unless
Johnnie drives you, and I know she went on that tour to San
Antonio. Call me as soon as you get this message. I'm in
trouble and I need your help."
As Kathy sat
there on that horse, she could see her red pickup out by the
street. It wasn't more than 200 yards away, but it might as
well have been 200 miles. Just then Kathy saw a new model
Lincoln Town Car, with very dark tinted windows, pull into
the parking lot next to her pickup. Someone jumped out of
the Lincoln and pointed something at the pickup door.
Then he
reached over, opened the door, and jumped in. In two
minutes time he had the pickup started, and was driving off
in it. The Lincoln followed it out on to the street. Kathy
sat there in stunned silence. Then she grabbed her cell
phone and dialed 911.
"911, what is
your emergency?"
Kathy said,
"My pickup has just been stolen; I need a police car to stop
them."
911: "What is
your location?"
"I don't
know!" Was Kathy's painful answer.
911: "Well,
you're on a cell phone and I can't get a fix on your
location, so you??™re going to have to help me. What do you
see around you?"
Kathy: "I see
a closed up Wal-Mart store with a mechanical horse out in
front of it."
911: "It's
early in the day for a Wal-Mart store to be closed."
Kathy: "No,
no. I mean it's an old store that has been closed for some
time. You see, I was lost, so I stopped in the parking lot
of this closed up Wal-Mart store. I wanted to walk around
and try to think of where I was. Then I saw this mechanical
horse out in front on the sidewalk; I got on it, put my two
quarters in it, and rode until it quit rocking. Then when I
started to get off, my back when out, and now I can't get
off.
There was a
long silence, and then the 911 operator ask, "Have you been
drinking?"
That's when
Kathy pushed the disconnect button.
Before she
could put her cell phone back into her pocket, it rang. She
answered, and it was Loren.
KATHY WRITES:
???It??™s about
time, you old coot, and just where have you been anyway????
snapped Kathy.
Loren snapped
right back. ???You listen to me! I called back as quickly as
I could, and kept getting a darned busy signal. Besides,
when the phone rang I was in the shower. I tried to get to
it, but Little Fox ran right in front of me and knocked me
flat on my face.???
???Oh, yeah,
sure. Always some lame excuse. You and I both know you
were taking a nap like you do every afternoon.???
Loren was
getting a little hot under the collar. He truly was in the
shower, and he??™d smacked his nose hard on the floor. It was
still bleeding, in fact. ???Just tell me what the problem is
before I hang up. I have better things to do than argue
with you.???
Then Loren
could hear the sniffing begin. He had hurt her feelings and
now she was crying. Women were impossible!
Kathy began to
explain, ???Loren, ssnnff, I??™m lost and I??™m on a horse, ssnnff,
and I can??™t get off. The 911 people can??™t find me, ssnnff,
and if I could get off this horse, ssnnff, ssnnff, ssnnff,
it wouldn??™t make any difference. Someone stole my truck,
wwaaaaaa.???
???Ok, you tell
me something, and you be honest. Is this a joke, or have
you been drinking???? Loren asked with an agitated tone.???
That tone was
just enough to slow down the tears, as Kathy was getting
plenty agitated too. ???NO! NO! NO! It??™s not a joke and I
haven??™t been drinking!???
After a few
more sniffs and snorts, Kathy continued. ???I can??™t do
anything until I get off this blasted horse. You need to
come find me. And, I mean NOW!???
???Fine, Kathy.
Now, are you at a riding academy, out on a friend??™s ranch,
or what? You have to tell me where you are.???
???I don??™t know
where I am! How many times do I have to tell you that????
Loren was
getting more confused by the minute, but was doing his best
to be patient. It was obvious Kathy was quite upset.
???Well, then, what can you tell me about the horse????
???It??™s brown
and white, ssnnff, and runs for about 2 minutes on 2
quarters,??? Kathy whimpered.
LOREN WRITES:
"He runs two
quarters of a mile in two minutes! Kathy, what kind of old
nag are you riding? Little Fox can run faster than that.
Where are you riding the horse?"
Loren sat down
on a bar stool at the kitchen bar.
"Loren, I'm in
a Wal-Mart parking lot."
"You're in a
Wal-Mart parking lot? Kathy, why would you ride a horse in
a Wal-Mart parking lot? Isn't the parking lot full of
cars? A car might hit you. Where did you get the horse
anyway?"
"Loren, you
don't understand." Then Kathy tuned up and started bawling
again.
Loren laid the
phone on the bar, went around to the cabinet, and got down
his jar of Jif Creamy Peanut Butter. He got a spoon and
took a big bite. Then he went back and picked up the
phone. Kathy??™s crying was down to a few sniffs and sobs.
"Kathy, forget
the horse. Just tell me where you are."
"I told you
Loren, I??™m on a Wal-Mart parking lot."
"Ok, now
Kathy, calm down. Just ride the horse up to the doors, wait
for someone to come out, and ask them where you are."
There was
another outbreak of loud wailing and crying. Loren put the
phone back on the bar and went to the refrigerator for a
glass of milk. If this telephone call lasted much longer,
he might have to take one of Johnnie??™s Prozac??™s. When he
picked up the phone this time, Kathy was hollering! "Loren,
Loren, are you there?"
"Yes, Kathy,
I??™m here," he sighed. "But you're not making any sense with
what you're telling me. Why don't you start from the
beginning, and tell me about your whole day?"
So, Kathy
started over and told Loren everything.
"Ok, Kathy,
now I understand why you need help. Let??™s see if we can
figure out where you are. Look back at the street. What is
on the right side of the parking lot?"
"I see a big
'Dairy Queen' sign sticking up over there."
"Good. Now
what do you see of the left side of the lot?"
"I see a
'Radio Shack' sign."
"Kathy, you
sit tight and give me a little time to work on this. Sit
tight,
har, har, har,"
and he hung up.
"Har, har,
har? Sounds like a donkey, no, a jackass, braying to me,"
Kathy thought.
She folded her
arms on the horse's neck and rested her forehead on them.
In a little, Kathy heard a voice say, "Will you get off the
horse so my son can ride it?"
Kathy looked
up and saw a woman standing there holding the hand of a four
or five-year-old boy. Kathy told the woman she couldn't get
off because her back hurt. The woman gave her a hard look
and asked her if she had been drinking? Kathy told her,
"Not yet! But if I had something to drink, I would start
right now!"
Meanwhile,
Loren had called an old friend he had hunted and fished with
in their younger days, and asked him for help. Lynn had
worked for the government in some hush, hush way, and had
been in the military. When he got his 30 years in, he had
retired; then he moved to the Dallas area. He had taken a
job with Wal-Mart as the head of security, for all the
Dallas Metroplex area Wal-Mart stores.
When Loren
gave Lynn the information he had, it didn't take Lynn long
to come up with the location of the old store. Loren
thanked him and called a taxi.
When the cab
pulled up beside Kathy, she had her head down and she
appeared to be asleep. The cab ride had cost him $38.50.
He handed the driver two $ 20 bills and jumped out of the
cab. When he slammed the cab door, Kathy looked up in time
to see the cab drive off.
"Loren what
took you so long to get here? I bet you stopped at "Top
Cat" and ate lunch on the way. That would be just like you,
always thinking of yourself."
"Oh, shut up
Kathy, and give me your cell phone."
She was too
tired to even fuss at him for telling her to "shut up." She
just handed him her cell phone. Loren called 911 and asked
for an ambulance and a police car. In just a few minutes
they were both there. The policeman took a report from
Kathy about her truck being stolen, as the paramedics loaded
Kathy into the ambulance. Loren climbed in the back with
Kathy, and they were off to the hospital.
KATHY WRITES:
???Oh, no! Am I
in the Psychiatric Ward? Why am I tied down, and up, and
every which way? Wwhhaat? Who put my legs up in the air?
Did that horse throw me? Am I p-p-par-paralyzed???? Kathy
was just a tad bit confused as she began coming out of her
anesthetic.
Loren was
sitting by her bed laughing. She really was quite a sight
lying there in traction! ???No, you aren??™t in the Psych.
Ward, but I think you should be!???
After that
wisecrack, he literally had tears running down his face, as
he slapped his leg. He looked like someone about to jump up
and dance a jig.
???Where??™s my
horse? Oh, now I remember. The horse stole my t-t-tr-truck!???
???Yee-haw!
She??™s as dumb medicated as she is normally,??? Loren laughed.
???It??™s not
f-f-funny, Loren. Now I??™ve got it, someone stole my truck
with the horse in it. Is that right? Why am I tied up,
anyway? You better s-s-start explaining or I??™m gonna scream
for help.???
Kathy??™s cell
phone began ringing, so Loren answered, ???Hello.???
???Excuse me,
but just who is this???? questioned Kathy??™s husband, Jerry.
???Hi, Jerry.
It??™s me, Loren! How are you anyway????
???How I am,
depends on why you??™re answering Kathy??™s phone! What??™s all
that racket in the background ??“ are you guys in a bar???? The
tone of Jerry??™s voice was not friendly.
Before Loren
could answer, the hospital speaker system started blasting.
???CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE!???
???Did I just
hear them calling a ???CODE??™ in a hospital???? asked Jerry. He
was getting concerned about this situation. Any time Loren
was involved, it spelled disaster with a capital ???D.??™
???Jerry, don??™t
panic. The ???Code??™ isn??™t for Kathy. She??™s going to be just
fine.???
???Are you
saying she??™s really in the hospital?
Loren gently
replied, ???Yes, but she??™ll be fine.???
???I want the
truth, Loren. What kind of mess did you get her into this
time????
???Well, you
won??™t believe it, but I??™ll tell you anyway. And, this time
I had nothing to do with it! Well, other than helping
rescue her.???
???Go on,
Loren!???
???She was
riding a mechanical horse in front of a Wal-Mart store when
she threw her back out. She couldn??™t get off, so she called
911. They accused her of being drunk so she hung up on
them, and then she called me. Right now she??™s in traction.???
Jerry couldn??™t
believe his ears! When was this woman ever going to grow
up?
Loren
continued, ???Oh, yeah, one more thing! While she was stuck
on the horse, someone stole her truck.???
???Click.???
Loren had a
puzzled look on his face. Did Jerry hang up on him, or did
they just lose their connection?
LOREN WRITES:
An hour later,
a police detective walked into Kathy??™s room. "Well Mrs.
Baker,
I have some good news, and some bad news."
Kathy asked,
"What is the good news?"
"We found your
pickup," said the detective.
"Then what is
the bad news?" Kathy wanted to know.
The detective
pulled a little notebook out of his pocket and began to
read, " The motor is in Plano, the fenders and hood are in
Grand Prairie, and the bed is in Mansfield. We??™re not sure
where the cab is, but we'll find it. It could be in Cedar
Hill"
Kathy began to
cry, "Waaaaa, waaaaa, boo hoo, sniff, sniff."
Loren got up
and left the room with the detective right behind him. The
detective asked Loren if she was always like that. Loren??™s
answer was, " Quite often." The detective just shook his
head and left the hospital. Loren went down to the
cafeteria, got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a
glass of milk.
Meanwhile
Kathy??™s cell phone rang again. This time Kathy answered
it. It was Jerry calling again.
"Are you
really in the hospital?" He wanted to know. Kathy told him
the whole story from start to finish, and how she was now in
traction. The doctor had told her she would be in traction
for several days. Maybe even a week or two. She told Jerry
what the detective had said about her pickup, and she began
to tune up again.
"Well, that's
a good place for you. At least I??™ll know where you'll be
until I get back in town. Then we can turn in an insurance
claim for your pickup. Now you tell that Loren to go home
and stay away from you. Every time you two get within a
mile of each other, something goes wrong. And, I don't want
any back talk from you."
"That??™s not
fair! Loren saved me from that blasted horse, and he's
promised to come visit every single day. Everyone else is
out of town or something!"
"You heard me,
Kathy."
Kathy was
getting steamed. "Well, just how do you think you're gonna
stop him. There??™s not a thing you can do about it from
Chicago, so there!"
"Oh, but I??™ve
already done it. Hospital security is posting an officer
outside your door, my dear," Jerry said chuckling.
"What? How
dare you??¦??¦"
THE END
?©
COPYRIGHT 2005
Loren Moore &
Kathy Baker |
