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CHRISTMAS
My neighbor, Crandall stops by. He brings me my
gift. It is wrapped in the comics section from the Sunday paper. I know what
he is giving me. He gives me the same thing every year - shoestrings. He
claims that they are the ties that bind us. It is a case of secondary gift
giving. They are the shoelaces his father gave him last year.
"Did you have the relatives for Christmas dinner
this year?" I ask.
"I used to, but this year, I had ham instead. I
even used the good salad bowls-the ones that have 'Cool Whip' on the sides."
"Grandpappy was surlier than normal this year.
He had his hips replaced, his knees replaced, he has false teeth now and I think
he might even have had an appendix transplant. Now the government is telling
him that if he replaces one more old part, that he will no longer qualify for
his old age pension from Social Security. Grandpappy was walking around singing
'Winter Wonderland.' He can never get all of the words right. This year he was
singing, 'Walking 'round in women's underwear.' Last year, he was singing, 'He's
making a list-chicken and rice.'
"Then every year, I have to listen to Grandpappy
grumble, 'Tis the day after Christmas, yesterday's all but forgotten, as we
return to the real world, and to those making it rotten.' Grandpappy likes to
put things down where the short dogs can get to it. He still chews tobacco and
is a spitter of epic proportions. Because of his spitting habit, he has earned
the nickname, 'The Atlantic.'
"How did your Christmas go?"
"It was wonderful. Although I must admit that it
was a rush this year from turkey to turkey-Thanksgiving to Christmas. I am
hoping that we will have all of the leftover turkey consumed by the Fourth of
July. I prepared my famous 3-bean salad. This year all three of the beans were
lima beans. Did some of the neighbors put up a few more Christmas lights this
year? I've taken to wearing sunglasses at night. I strung up the outdoor
Christmas lights and plugged them in. I thought they looked pretty good until
my wife, The Queen B, told me that I should have taken them out of the package
first."
"Is this the year you are going to start
listening to your wife?" asks my neighbor.
"Yes, it was my Christmas present to her. I even
helped her put up the tree. She is one of those who places tinsel carefully
onto the tree. It takes forever. Well, this year, I piled all of the tinsel on
the floor about 10 feet in front of the tree. I put all the ornaments right
there with the tinsel. Then I hit the whole bunch with the leafblower. Within
a matter of seconds, the entire Christmas tree was decorated."
"What a wonderful story. Someday people will
gather around chestnuts roasting by an open fire and share that tale as they
wipe their misty eyes. While you are up to such shenanigans, I, as a good
grandfather, have started potty-training."
"Oh, you want to set a good example for your
grandson, eh?"
"Now that's funny. When it comes to humor, you
are a regular Trent Lott. I'd better get going. I have to apologize to all my
relatives."
"It's too late for that, isn't it? You have
already been born."
"I've already apologized for that. Now I have to
apologize to them for what I gave them for Christmas. Buying presents has
become too much for me. So this year, I decided to write out a check for each
of the relatives and put the check in each of the Christmas cards. I wrote,
'Buy your own present!' in each of the Christmas cards and dropped them in the
mail."
"Why do you have to apologize? That sounds like
a very thoughtful gift."
"It was, but today, I found all of the checks
under some moldy fig newtons that I use as a paper weight on my desk. Every
relative on my gift list had received a beautiful Christmas card from me with
'Buy your own present!' written inside, but without a check enclosed. I'm going
to try apologizing to each and every one of my relatives."
"What if they won't accept your apology?" I ask.
"Then I'll have to give them their checks."
If you received a card from my neighbor Crandall,
hold out for the check. The apology is worthless. Come to think of it, the
check might be, too. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.
?ŠAl Batt 2002
71622 325 St.
Hartland, MN 56042
SnoEowl @ aol.com |
