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I just had an ah-ha moment,
a revelation of sorts. You see I started out in life as a
person who was not heard; invisible to the world. No one
cared what my opinions were and when I did have the chance
to express them; I was ignored, ridiculed, or simply not
taken seriously. At first I went through a period where I
felt I did not have anything of value to contribute. Then
the pendulum shifted and I became insistent on people
hearing what I had to say regardless of whether they wanted
to or not. I argued
my point with all the passion within me. I truly believed I
was right. The trouble was, when you are so right, if the
person you are conversing with disagrees with you, they by
process of elimination have to be so wrong. At least that
is how I saw the world. I argued my point to death. I would
not let up until the other person agreed. You see I had to
be right. There was just no other way!
It worked well for me in some
situations. As an advocate for the poor and the families of
juvenile delinquents I was valued as a mover and shaker; a
person who could get things done sometimes simply through
the sheer force of my convictions. But it backfired on me
in other situations as well. My friends told me they hated
to discuss things with me because it was as if I had this
burning need to win every argument. I scoffed it off and
reasoned that I just knew how to debate whereas they
didn??™t. They were afraid of confrontation, whereas I was
not.
During my graduate program in
Counselling Psychology, I was told my aggressive style was
not congruent with the program??™s objectives. In my
internship I continued to argue the point. When people
stopped discussing the issues, I took silence to mean that I
had made my point. My supervisor disagreed. He said the
other therapists stopped only because I left no room for a
different point of view.
The proverbial light bulb had
finally gone off and I had to sit back and think if this was
in fact accurate. At the same time as my internship, I was
taking a feminist psychology course. I learned from the
course what would later become my philosophy of life. I
learned the world is made up of many voices. All these
voices are essential to the tapestry of understanding; to
the human mosaic. I learned my opinion did not have to mean
that I had to be right and in order to do so; the other
person had to be wrong. I learned that we all could be right
and with each new voice a new dimension of the tapestry of
human understanding was woven. A deeper and richer
understanding of human nature would materialize.
This new philosophy liberated
me. I learned to be more accepting of others and more
tolerant of their views. Of course it did not mean I had to
accept their views as my own, but I could respect their
views nevertheless.
As a result, I do not try to
force my views on others and I do not appreciate when they
try to force their views on me. If I find that a discussion
becomes circular and there really is no meeting of the
minds, I simple choose not to debate any further.
I belong to a writer??™s forum
where of late it seems to be that everyone wants to be
right. Normally I skim through these messages and go onto
to something more pleasant. I hadn??™t realized I how much of
an impact the petty arguments and vying for status of having
the ultimate truth had affected me.
I had a telephone conversation
with a friend today. I found myself disagreeing with her
point of view on the topic of volunteer work. I began
expressing my point of view. In the middle of my response,
she interjected with a comment which clearly meant she
either did not understand or did not agree with what I was
saying. I said in a very powerful and commanding voice, ???I
want you to listen.??? She became silent and I finished what I
had to say. She did not continue the discussion any further
and I realized she had stopped because I laid down the law,
I had the ultimate truth. No further discussion was
necessary.
After I got off the phone, I
did not feel good about the way the conversation had ended.
I did not want to disrespect her point of view. I did not
want to come across as I had the ultimate truth. Yet I had
taken control of that situation.
According to Dr. Phil, whom I
appreciate very much, (I received the very same training at
McGill) in this case, control is simply a manifestation of
insecurity. I had to ask myself why it was so important for
me to be right. Was I losing it? Was it the inner child in
me begging to be recognized; begging to be accepted? Why
wasn??™t the fact that she is my friend acceptance enough?
Why did she have to agree with every word I said? The
answer is obvious to most, but not to the person
experiencing it. It is truly because of insecurity.
I used to be insecure. I am
not anymore. As a result, it is time for me to go back to
making my actions and my thoughts congruent with each other.
Furthermore, it wouldn??™t be a bad idea for everyone to do
this reality check. Every once in a while reevaluate your
belief system. Is what you believe and how you carry out
your life congruent with each other; if not why not
?© 2005 Carol Roach |
