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My early school
years were years of total isolation from the other
students. I lacked social skills coming from and
impoverished background and was uncomfortable in the
presence of other children. They in turn, ignored me or
called me names. Being an overweight child, I was always
called fatty throughout my elementary years. About the end
of grade 3, I got tired of just watching other children play
and not being invited to join in. Though I still invented
reasons why I couldn't go to recess.
When the teacher did except my excuses to skip recess I
became an avid reader and I gobbled up everything that I
could find in the library as well. The librarian was so
thrilled to finally have a student that cared about
reading. Being a ghetto school, it was like pulling teeth
to try and get a student to come into the library and open a
book. Most of the students refused to read a book if they
didn't have to and the rest
would only read comic books, or look at the pictures, I
never really figured out which it was.
I
never liked comic books, I wanted to read full paragraphs
and developed plots where I could lose myself in the magical
world of the writer. Tolkien's The Hobbit was one of my
favourite stories of that time period.
When I was forced to go to recess, I started to play with
younger children. At least they looked up to me and that
gave me the validation that I was missing from my own
peers.
All
in all, although Renee had left the school, almost a year
before, she still remained my only real friend. It wasn't
until the fourth grade that I actually befriended a girl in
school of my own age, and in my own class.
Brenda, was new to the school. She had come from the
province of Nova Scotia. It was in that grade that I had
developed a strategy to make friends. Since the kids I knew
would not befriend me. I decided that I would target the
new comers to the school, welcome them, and become their
friend. They did not know anyone so it was my one and only
opportunity to shine. This reciprocal arrangement worked
out well enough in the beginning until they either moved
away or were secure enough to
find other friends that were more popular than I would ever
be. Even back in elementary school no one liked to be
associated with the losers, you always wanted to be apart of
the "in group". So I targeted Brenda and she became my
friend. Funny enough she stuck around. Not only was she in
my class at school, she lived at the end of the street from
me as well. We played everyday after school. Brenda and
I
would go to Sunday school together. Actually she was the
one that introduced me to lord at the age of 9 years old
when I became a born again Christian. Prior to that I was
an Anglican and had gone to Church with Renee.
Being Brenda's friend was fun. But I was begriming to miss
Renee. Whenever I asked Brenda if she would like to meet
Renee she would say no, and whenever I asked Renee if she
would like to meet Brenda, she too would say no. I could
not understand why my two friends did not want to meet each
other. I wanted all three of us to be friends. I was tired
of dividing my time between the both of them.
Each of the girls would complain if they felt I was spending
more time with the other one and hence neglecting them. As
a girl that knew all too well the pain of rejection, the
last thing I wanted to do was to neglect or reject anyone.
Since these two girls refused to meet each other, I had to
devise a plot where they would meet whether they liked it or
not. Since I knew that Brenda would come to pick me up
after school I told her that we would be playing in the back
yard this particular evening. Then I called Renee and asked
her to come over and play in the back yard with me. We
would play ball. She already knew that I was not allowed to
play ball on the side walk, my grandmother was far to afraid
that I would run in the
middle of the street and get killed. Incidentally I never
learned how to ride a bike for that very same reason.
When Renee got there Brenda was already there and they came
face to face for the first time. I introduced them to each
other and I stayed back and watched nature take its course.
I knew both of them would like each other, after all if I
liked each of them why wouldn't they as well.
The
friendships blossomed and all was well with the world; for
awhile at least. All of a sudden I was always finding
myself in an argument with them and I was the one that was
being left out. Either Brenda was mad at me for something,
or Renee was mad at me for something. Furthermore, when
either was mad at me for anything the other one would take
their side not mine.
I
was forever miserable and I couldn't understand why this was
happening. I just wanted to play with my two best friends.
Though not totally clueless, I realized that Brenda was a
person that needed a lot of attention paid to her. So I
figured that a way to resolve the issue was to constantly
shower her with compliments and maybe the fighting would
stop. This worked extremely well for Brenda, but not for
Renee. She went home and wouldn't speak to me for about a
week over that one.
I
was totally bewildered and confused and very unhappy. I did
not know what to do to remedy the situation. I felt I had
done everything that I could do on my part.
In
the beginning my grandmother would ask me why I wasn't out
playing and I would respond that I had nobody to play with.
She would reply "what are you fighting about this time?"
Half the time I had no clue myself.
It
got to the point that my grandmother told me to forget about
those two, leave them alone, and find some other kids to
play with. It was obvious to her that they didn't want
anything to do with me. But I had not reached that insight
yet. I was stubborn, these were my friends, and I wanted to
be with them.
These constant fights went on for several years. Finally,
in my early teens, I found out what was going on. But by
that time it was too late, I did make other friends as my
grandmother had suggested. Though I still spoke to Brenda,
and Renee, they were no longer my best friends. I hung out
with them now and then when it was convenient for either of
us.
I
found out that the misery that I was going through all those
prior years wondering why I was always in trouble with one
or both of the girls was because I was the third wheel.
It
appeared that Brenda was the culprit. She wanted Renee all
to herself. She would tell Renee vicious lies about me.
However this information was only revealed to me when I was
16 years old.
The
revelation occurred one night after returning home from an
outing. The three of us were discussing a movie "For love of
Ivy" starring Sydney Poitier which Brenda and I had gone to
see. When I was recounting the plot line to Renee, Brenda
kept contradicting me, and accusing me of being racist. So
that it wouldn't get out of hand, I decided I would just go
home.
Renee now older and much wiser, asked Brenda what that was
all about and Brenda admitted that she purposely staged that
argument to get rid of me so that she could have Renee all
to herself. This was what was happening all those years
before as well. Further into their discussion she admitted
the many times that she had lied on me for the very same
reason. She wanted Renee as her only friend.
Since I had moved on and it didn't hurt as much anymore, I
was finally happy to know that I had not done anything
wrong. There was nothing innately wrong with me. I had
begun to think that way because of my inability to make
friends easily. Finally, I looked back on all those years
of torment, either fighting with, Brenda, Renee, or both at
the same time without wondering what I had done that was so
bad that they didn't want to be my friend for anymore.
I
had learned the hard way that two is company and three is a
crowd.
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Blessings to you. Have a great day.
Bob Johnston
Minneapolis
Starfish @ Ripplemaker.com
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