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LOREN WRITES;
KATHY TOLD HER
HUSBAND SHE WOULD GO HUNTING FOR HIM SO HE COULD DRIVE HIS LEXIS AND GO TO
WORK. HE TOLD HER THAT WAS NICE OF HER AND BE SURE TO WATCH OUT FOR THE COW
PATTIES. THEN HE DROVE OFF.
NOW KATHY DIDN??™T
KNOW WHERE TO GO HUNTING SO SHE CALLED THAT OLD CODGER, LOREN, THAT CAME
FROM EAST TEXAS TO ASK HIM WHERE TO GO HUNTING.
???KATHY WHAT ARE
YOU HUNTING FOR???? ???LOREN I NEED A TOE SACK FULL OF PINE CONES.??? PINE
CONES? THOUGHT LOREN. IS KATHY CRAZY? ???WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH A TOE SACK
FULL OF PINE CONES, KATHY?
???YOU WOULDN??™T
BELIEVE ME IF I TOLD YOU, LOREN SO JUST TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND THEM.???
???WELL DO YOU HAVE A TOE SACK???™ LOREN WANTED TO KNOW. ???NOOOO, I GUESS I
NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO GET A TOE SACK TOO.???
???KATHY YOU
BETTER COME BY AND GET ME. I??™LL SHOW YOU WHERE TO GET A TOE SACK AND THEN
WE CAN DRIVE DOWN TO EAST TEXAS AND I??™LL HELP YOU PICK UP A SACK FULL OF
PINE CONES. WILL YOU BE IN YOUR RED PICKUP????
KATHY WRITES;
???Well, naturally I??™ll be in my red truck! How many times do I have to tell
ya, I don??™t drive cars anymore! And, it??™s not fire engine red, it??™s
toreador red, but I??™ll honk when I pull up.???
Kathy decided she??™d better load up the CD player with Willie, Waylon, and
Johnny Cash if she was taking a trip with an old native Texan.
She was just about to head out when she got to wondering exactly where Loren
might be taking her. Texas has a wild hog population most people wouldn??™t
believe, and they can be mean. Jerry was already gone for the day, so she
decided to take along one of his prize Winchester rifles, just in case they
ran into trouble. She finally decided she??™d take the one she??™d had such
good luck with shooting at cans. Obviously the sight on it worker for
???her.???
Driving to pick up Loren, Kathy got to thinking about that strange term ???toe
sack.??? She decided it must be what people in Kansas call gunnysacks. Toe
sack sounds disgusting
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like it??™s gonna be full of someone??™s or something??™s toes. Even though she??™s
lived in Texas nearly 30 years now, she still doesn??™t understand some of the
strange language. She??™s is still puzzled as to why Texans??™ call a ditch
along side the road a ???bar ditch.???
Kathy pulled up in front of Loren??™s house and laid on the horn.
Loren writes:
OK,
OK KEEP YOUR BRITCHES ON. I??™M COMING. GET OFF THE HORN.??? LOREN WALKED OUT
AND GOT IN KATHY??™S PICKUP. AS HE CLOSED THE DOOR KATHY ASKED ???WHERE TO
CHIEF???? ???JUST HEAD EAST ON INTERSTATE 20 UNTIL I HOLLER WHOA, KATHY.???
THAT??™S WHEN LOREN NOTICED THE WINCHESTER RIFLE IN THE RIFLE RACK ON THE BACK
WINDOW. ???WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT RIFLE???? LOREN ASKED? KATHY
JUST SMILED AND TURNED ON HER CD PLAYER. WILLIE NELSON??™S VOICE CAME OUT LOUD
AND CLEAR.
???THERE??™S A LAND WHERE I??™VE BEEN TOLD,
EVERY STREET IS PAVED WITH GOLD,
AND
IT??™S JUST ACROSS THE BORDERLINE.
WHEN
IT??™S TIME TO TAKE YOUR TURN,
HERE??™S A LESSON THAT YOU MUST LEARN,
YOU
CAN LOSE MORE THEN YOU??™LL EVER FIND.???
???KATHY, TURN THAT THING OFF.??? LOREN SHOUTED. ???I ASKED YOU WHAT YOU WERE
GOING TO DO WITH THAT RIFLE????
KATHY WRITES;
???I plan to save our backsides in case there are any of those wild hogs
around! To hunt pinecones we have to be in the trees and hunkered down low
to pick them up. I don??™t want my obituary reading, ???killed by a wild hog
while hunting pine cones.??? People would think I was crazy for sure.???
Loren laughed, ???Trust me, there aren??™t any wild hogs where we??™re going.
I??™ve been there a million times and never seen one.???
Kathy drove and drove and was just about to get fed up when Loren finally
said, ???turn here.???
???I tell you what mister, there had better be cones everywhere. Do you have
any idea how far we??™ve driven? It??™s going to be getting dark before we are
finished! Jerry will be worried sick. He wasn??™t all that thrilled when I
told him you were going to be my guide anyway.???
They both jumped out of the truck with the toe sack they had stopped and
picked up on the way. Loren still had not explained why they are called by
such a ridiculous name. Evidently he didn??™t know either, but just didn??™t
want to admit it.
Loren took off with the sack. Kathy followed with the Winchester at her
side and deep into the pines they descended.
LOREN WRITES:
AS
THEY CAME TO A LOBLOLLY PINE KATHY SAW THE GROUND WAS COVERED WITH GIANT
PINE CONES. ???KATHY THESE ARE SPECIAL PINE CONES. THE BIGGEST YOU??™LL SEE IN
TEXAS OR THE U S OF A FOR THAT MATTER. I DON??™T KNOW ABOUT THE REST OF THE
WORLD.???
KATHY LEANED HER WINCHESTER
AGAINST THE TREE AND HELPED LOREN PICK UP PINE CONES. IT DIDN??™T TAKE LONG
BEFORE THE TOE SACK WAS FULL. KATHY HAD BEEN HOLDING THE SACK WHILE LOREN
PUT THE CONES IN THE SACK. ???LOREN THE SACK WON??™T HOLD ANY MORE. LETS GO
BACK TO THE PICKUP.??? AND OFF THEY WENT TO THE TRUCK WITH KATHY CARRYING THE
TOE SACK.
THEY
WERE SINGING ???I??™VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD??? AND LAUGHING. WHEN THEY
GOT BACK TO THE TRUCK KATHY PUT THE TOE SACK OF PINE CONES IN THE PICKUP BED
AND THEY GOT IN THE CAB AND STARTED TO LEAVE. AFTER KATHY HAD TURNED THE
TRUCK AROUND SHE SUDDENLY REACHED DOWN AND TURNED THE MOTOR OFF.
KATHY WRITES;
???Loren, look over there to your right where it??™s really dark and shady. I
think that??™s the biggest wild hog I??™ve ever laid eyes on. Look closely
because it??™s back is to us and it??™s hard to see.???
???Jeepers! It??™s a monster all right,??? stammered Loren, and I could sure use
some good sausage. Do you think you can hit it from here, Kathy????
???Well, Loren, all I??™ve ever done with this Winchester is shoot cans but I
rarely miss. Want to make a bet on whether I can take him down? A bet of
some kind is the only way I??™ll give it a try because I don??™t even have a
hunting license this year. But, I could probably get away without a ticket
if we said it was charging us.???
That??™s when Kathy realized she??™d left the gun leaning against the tree.
Talk about trouble! She couldn??™t go home and tell Jerry she??™d left his gun
out in the woods. She couldn??™t ever go home again, in fact! Honking the
horn would scare the hog off, but then Loren would call her a ???wimp.??? He??™d
also fuss all the way home about not having any sausage, and she didn??™t want
to listen to him yammering on and on about it. There was only one thing
left to do.
Kathy quietly opened the truck door and started back into the woods for the
gun. Loren sat in the truck and was a nervous wreck. What had he gotten
himself into with this dingy woman anyway? Luckily the wind was in her
favor and it didn??™t seem the hog was aware of her at all. She finally
reached the tree, got the gun in her hands, and??¦??¦??¦??¦??¦??¦..
LOREN WRITES:
WHEN
SHE TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK TO THE PICKUP, IT WAS SO DARK SHE WASN??™T SURE
WHICH WAY TO GO. ???OH NO??? KATHY SAID, ???I THINK I??™M LOST!??? THERE WAS NO MOON
AND IT WAS TOTALLY DARK NOW.
SHE
THOUGHT THE WAY BACK TO THE PICKUP WAS THIS WAY SO SHE SLOWLY WALKED IN THAT
DIRECTION. SHE HAD TO WALK AROUND TREES AND ONCE TRIPPED AND FELL IN A
PATCH OF BRIERS. THE BRIERS SCRATCHED HER HANDS AND CHEEKS AND GOT TANGLED
IN HER HAIR.
SHE
FINALLY UNTANGLED HERSELF FROM THE BRIERS AND GOT TO HER FEET. SHE STARTED
CRYING. ???I KNOW THIS IS NOT THE WAY I CAME. I??™M LOST.??? SHE SAT DOWN AT THE
BASE OF A TREE AND WONDERED IF SHE WOULD EVER FIND HER WAY OUT OF THESE
BLASTED WOODS. WHERE WAS THAT LOREN ANY WAY. WHY DIDN??™T HE COME LOOKING
FOR HER? HE??™S PROBABLY SITTING IN THE PICKUP SOUND ASLEEP.
THEN
SHE HEARD A NOISE IN THE BRUSH OFF TO HER LEFT. ???OH NO, IT??™S THAT WILD HOG
AND HE SMELLS ME.??? SHE RAISED THE WINCHESTER, POINTED IT TOWARD WHERE SHE
HEARD THE NOISE AND FIRED A SHOT.
MEAN
WHILE BACK AT THE PICKUP LOREN WAS GETTING WORRIED ABOUT KATHY. ???I WONDER
IF THERE IS A FLASHLIGHT IN THE GLOVE BOX. HE OPENED THE GLOVE BOX AND
FOUND A FLASHLIGHT. JUST THEN HE HEARD A SHOT AND THE PICKUP DROPPED DOWN A
FEW INCHES ON THE LEFT REAR.
LOREN REACHED OVER AND STARTED BLOWING THE HORN AND TURNED THE TRUCK LIGHTS
ON. HE JUMPED OUT AND WALKED AROUND TO THE LEFT REAR TIRE AND SAW THAT IT
WAS FLAT. IT HAD A NICE LITTLE ROUND HOLE IN IT.
KATHY WRITES;
The sound of the shot had evidently scared away the hog, but Kathy was still
lost. She was wondering when that old codger was going to come find her.
He said he knew these woods like the back of his hand. Sure he does, she
thought, and that??™s why I??™m sitting here on a log crying.
She finally heard footsteps heading in her direction, and then heard a crash
followed by Loren spouting several expletives! He didn??™t sound far away, so
Kathy headed in that direction. Soon she tripped over something and was
flat on her face. The gun had gone flying out of her hand.
???Watch where you??™re going for Pete??™s sake,??? snapped Loren.
That??™s when Kathy realized Loren is what she had fallen over. There they
were
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both of them on the ground.
???Give me that flashlight, I??™ve got to find Jerry??™s gun,???
fussed Kathy.
???Well, I??™d give it to you if I knew where the Sam Hill it was. When I fell
over this darned log I lost it,??? spouted Loren.
Kathy crawled around on her hands and knees until she finally found it.
Meanwhile, Loren was still on the ground moaning and groaning like a baby.
Then she took off looking for the gun. Luckily it was close by also. She
picked it up and headed back to help Loren get on his feet.
???Here, Loren, hold this light and I??™ll try to get you up on your feet,??? said
Kathy in a rather disgusted tone. ???And, by the way, remind me never to go
out in the woods with you again! Every time I do anything with you it turns
into a disaster of some sort. I think you invite trouble!???
Suddenly she heard rustling in the undergrowth, and knew the hog was back.
???Holy cow, Loren, shine that light off to your left,??? she whispered.
There it was
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the monster hog
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not 20 feet away! The light didn??™t seem to faze him, as he had his eyes
fixed on Loren. Loren was going to be easy pickings for this big fella.
Kathy took aim, fired, and hit him right between the eyes! He immediately
dropped to the ground.
LOREN WRITES:
???WELL YOU??™VE DONE IT NOW KATHY. WE??™VE GOT A FLAT ON THE PICKUP, A DEAD HOG
TO BIG TO CARRY AND IN THE DOG HOUSE WITH JERRY.
LOREN GOT OUT HIS FOLDING BUCK KNIFE HE CARRIED IN A LEATHER SHEATH ON HIS
BELT AND FIELD DRESSED THE HOG. WHEN HE WAS THROUGH HE HAD BLOOD UP TO HIS
ELBOWS.
???GRAB HOLD OF THAT HIND LEG KATHY AND HELP ME DRAG THIS BIG FELLOW BACK TO
THE PICKUP. WHEN THEY GOT TO THE TRUCK THEY WERE ABLE TO DRAG THE HOG UP
INTO THE PICKUP BED.
???NOW
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS CHANGE THE TIRE YOU SHOT AND WE CAN GO HOME.??? KATHY
LOOKED CONTRITE AND EVEN APOLOGIZED FOR SHOOTING TOWARD THE PICKUP. ???KATHY
I??™M JUST GLAD YOU HIT THE TRUCK INSTEAD OF ME. NOW HELP ME CHANGE THIS
TIRE.???
AFTER THEY GOT THE TIRE CHANGED THEY STARTED HOME. THEY WERE ABOUT HALF WAY
THERE WHEN KATHY STOPPED AT A GAS STATION FOR GASOLINE. WHILE KATHY WAS
PUTTING THE GASOLINE IN THE TRUCK LOREN WENT TO THE RESTROOM TO WASH THE
BLOOD OFF HIS HANDS.
KATHY WRITES;
Kathy went inside the station to pay for the gas. Luckily, she overheard
two guys talking, and one of them was a meat processor with his plant just a
few blocks away. She interrupted them and asked if she could leave the hog
with them ???right now??? before it started to spoil. He agreed and said he??™d
lead the way.
???Loren, get in that truck NOW so we can get rid of this hog! We??™ve got to
follow this nice fellow to his plant
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otherwise we might as well dump it along the road for the vultures.???
They rode in silence, as the day had been rough on both of them. Within
minutes they pulled into the plant and the stranger drug the hog out of the
truck. He even offered to hose out the bed before the blood dried. Kathy
jumped all over that, as she treats that truck like a Cadillac.
Finally, they were on their way to take Loren back home. ???Oh, Kathy
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that fella forgot to put our sack of pinecones back in the truck. We better
turn around,??? said Loren.
If looks could kill, Loren would be dead!
???I don??™t care if I ever SEE another pinecone,??? grumbled Kathy. ???He can
figure out what to do with them, because I just don??™t care. And, when we go
to pick up our processed meat, you keep your mouth shut. If he asks us
about pinecones, we will play dumb, and deny that they were ours! You got
that????
Kathy called Jerry from her cell phone and started trying to explain where
she was, what she??™d been doing, and whom she was with. Then, he demanded
to talk with Loren!
???Here, Loren, Jerry wants to talk to you. I don??™t think he understands how
we went looking for pinecones and ended up with a hog,??? Kathy said rather
nervously.
LOREN WRITES:
???HELLO JERRY??? LOREN SAID AS HE PUT THE PHONE UP TO HIS EAR. ???ER ??¦ NO ??¦BUT ??¦
WELL IT ??¦ OK, BUT ??¦ JERR ??¦ I HEAR YOU ??¦ FINE!??? AND HE CLOSED THE PHONE AND
HANDED IT BACK TO KATHY. ???WELL WHAT DID HE SAY, LOREN???? ???OH HE SAID GOOD
BYE.???
???LOREN DID HE MENTION HIS WINCHESTER RIFLE???? ???NO.??? ???DID HE MENTION
PINECONES???? ???NO.??? ???DID HE MENTION WILD HOGS???? ???NO.??? ???WELL JUST WHAT THE
HELL DID HE TALK ABOUT???? ???KATHY WE JUST HAD A MAN TO MAN TALK. LET IT GO
AT THAT.???
WHAT
HE DID SAY IS A WHOLE NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT TIME.
THE END
?©
COPY RIGHT 2004
Loren Moore & Kathy Baker |
