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Many times
people come into our lives and their intentions are not always good.
Other times, their intentions may be good, but we find that we are
almost always miserable in their company. We feel guilty when we find
ourselves making excuses for not interacting with them.
In my
opinion, it is our own survival mechanism unconsciously warning us that
these particular relationships are toxic and therefore very detrimental
to the core of our most precious being. We do need to treat everyone
with respect and human kindness, but not everyone has to be, or should
be our close personal friend. We do not have to befriend everyone to
think of ourselves as good people. All in all I believe that you have to
rid the people in your life that are causing emotional distress if you
feel it is primarily coming from their side. Sometimes some people you
will choose not to let go of, and that is fine. Most of the time these
people fall into to the category of family, but the people who fall into
the category of friends, think about it, are they really your friends
when they cause you so much emotional pain?
I work
within a guideline to decide when to let go. Part of my decision process
is to take a cold hard look at the part I play in this seemingly toxic
relationship. I believe it is important for everyone to look at his/her
own behavior in the process, so I scrutinize my own.
The
major player in our own life drama is us, regardless of who else comes
into play. What you do or do not do, effects every interpersonal
relationship you have. Bottom line, we cannot change others we can only
change ourselves, when the situation presents itself.
A
situation presented itself in a discussion with friends. With the facts
I had at the time, I responded in kind. I later found that the story had
been distorted, but my response to the situation nevertheless
illustrates how I feel.
A
friend had reported that she often gives much of her time to help
people. Oftentimes, this help is not appreciated and she felt her
efforts were in vain. Somewhere along the information line the idea was
planted that she spent 25 hours sometimes researching the proper
solution for the people who have asked for help (this turned out to be a
distortion, but the principle of spending a lot of time to help people
remains in tact).
I think
that most people would agree that 25 hours of researching something is a
long time. My question in determining behavior was; did these people ask
you to spend 25 hours to research?
My
personal feeling was probably not. My take on the situation was that it
was her choice and although very noble on her part, the important thing
to realize was that it was not their shtick, it was hers. I am using
this personal example as I feel it is a great learning tool for all of
us. As I said before, the situation was not how it was presented, but
for the purpose of learning we will continue with that assumption.
It is
not uncommon for us to feel hurt because we invest a great deal of time
to help someone who does not seem appreciative. But first we must
determine whose decision was it to spend so much time on this help?
Being the key player in our own life, we opted to spend 25 hours. Do the
recipients appreciate that we spent 25 hours, maybe, maybe not.
Their
reaction to this news could range from “wow, you spent 25 hours just for
me,” in which case we get personal satisfaction from the statement, or
it could be, “I never asked you to spend 25 hours -- that was your
choice.” Though it sounds hard, cold, and cruel, it is the truth; they
never asked us. It was our decision and based on our decision we wanted
to feel appreciated.
What we
need to understand here is that since they did not ask for 25 hours of
researching the solution to their issues, it is not their responsibility
to accept the blame.
When
asking for help most people consider the answer given and not how much
back ground time it took to come up with that answer. The common
reaction from people, let’s say, who may go to a psychologist they did
not find very helpful would be, so “you spent 7 years to train for your
profession; you have not answered my need. Your solution doesn’t work
for me, so in this particular situation, your training becomes moot.”
Hence a caution to the wise, when analyzing the situation, it is your
answer that counts, not necessarily the time spent on it
The
next issue is to look at is the very answer itself. What are the
emotional qualities about this answer? We feel this is truly our answer,
we own it. We worked hard on it. We are passionate about it. We feel it
is the right answer. However, is our answer the right answer for other
people?
It may
not be right for them for any number of reasons. We do not know what is
going on in the majority of the lives of the people we met through the
internet. Even for close friends and family members, we do not always
know ever single inch of their lives as well. By carrying our answer
around, demanding that it be respected and accepted at all cost is as if
our answer becomes part of us. However, once we give our answer with all
the right intentions in the world; we must let it go.
It is
not our answer anymore. It was given as a gift in the spirit of love.
That answer always runs the risk of being rejected, simply because it
did not fit well with the person at the time; though it might in the
future. Holding on to that answer and protecting it like it was a
precious piece of china, delicate and fragile, is a problem. Who hurts
more when that answer is not accepted, them or us? We do. We must let
go. Once given, it is theirs to decide what to do with it. We did our
part, we provided an answer. Now our recipients must decide if that
answer is the one they need. We cannot force them to do our will.
Continuing to harbor resentment because our solution was not followed
through turns the once well intended gift into a control issue.
Control
issues are sneaky little things, we don't always know we are being
controlling. Many times we have the best intentions in the world, but
bottom line -- we want to control the situation. “No, no, no,” I hear
everyone screaming. “It was not like that at all!”
My
response to that is we may very well be using a defense mechanism to
block us from hearing the painful truth. As I said before, we don't
always know we are being overly controlling and that makes it harder to
change the behavior.
I say
we, because I am no better than anyone else. We have all walked down
this road sometime in our life. We need to analyze the situation. We
need to take “personal self” out of it. Person A offered help to Person
B, Person B did not take it. Person A is hurt and offended. Person A
wanted Person B to take it. Person A had a need to control the
situation. If Person B had taken the help, the situation would have been
controlled. Person B did not take the help. Person A no longer has the
control and feels wounded, helpless, disrespected, hurt, and so on. Why,
because the only outcome Person A expected to happen in this situation
was that his/her help be taken. When it didn't happen, Person A lost
control.
Now the
next level in that scenario is to ask ourselves why is this control so
necessary. It is at this very juncture, soul searching and/or good
counseling comes into play. Personally, I believe person A who gave the
advice that was not taken, has not dissociated herself from the advice.
The advice became an extension of who she was. Person A creates the
following scenario in her head.
“If you
do not listen to what I said to fix up your screwed up life, then you
are not listening to me. You don’t respect me, care for me, love me, and
value me as a person, mentor, or good friend.”
Poppy
cock is what I say to those of us who buy into that scenario. The other
person may love us to death, respect us, and care for us deeply, but did
not feel this particular advice was useful. Or, maybe Person B was just
not in a place where he/she could even understand what we were talking
about, let alone do something about it. I purposely said in the previous
paragraph “Your screwed up life" because bottom line, it is the other
person’s life to live whatever way he she may decide to do it. It is not
our life.
My
grandmother always said, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't
make him drink." As far as I am concerned these words are very true. I
believe every healer, professional, family, or friend should listen. In
the example put forth, about our research and perceived help is the
water, but only the person we gave it to, truly knows if he/she is
thirsty enough to drink.
*****
Having
said all of that, if there truly are people who are bad influences in
our lives, we need to disassociate ourselves from them. However,
regardless of what we do, we must always realize that we are the most
important player, in the drama of our life. We are active and not
passive victims in this drama, and we co-create with every individual we
allow into our lives.
******
If I am
miserable in the company of certain people, I first analyze my behavior.
If I find that I truly did not do anything wrong, yet these people are
stifling my personal growth, I ditch them. One example I can give you
has to do with my writing. When someone constantly tells me that my
writing is crap, I find that this kind of feedback is not helpful. I
expect to be treated with respect. Explain to me how you could see my
writing improve and I will take your feedback into consideration, if it
fits, I will apply it. However if that person’s sole purpose is to
trash my work without incorporating any element of promoting growth,
then I will not associate with that person on any true level of
friendship
A
person can offer ways of improving it, but to simply tell me my writing
will never amount to anything is negative and far from helpful. Actually
it can be seen as abusive. It can destroy a person's self esteem and
stunt his or her personal growth. Before I allow that to happen to me, I
will tell the person my feelings and if that individual still persists,
I sever the relationship.
And if
somebody asked me for my advice but chose not to take it, that is fine
with me. They may ask again, and again, and still not take it. I may not
disassociate myself from the person. I may still like them very much,
but it will come a time when I will say, “Don't ask me for my advice
because you are not willing to hear it.”
Have
you ever noticed this very phenomenon happens in relationships? For
example your friend, Becky tells you all about how badly her boyfriend
treats her. You try to explain she doesn't have to be treated that way
and she defends him with the proverbial “yes but....”
She
handled her crisis her own way. She comes again to you, “What shall I do
with Bob, he is doing this now?” Again you try to offer some advice,
again she doesn't take it, claiming she really was going to take your
advice, but Bob surprised her with flowers. “Isn't he just the sweetest
person that ever existed?”
Of
course there is a next time when he is not very sweet at all. She comes
crying to you and says, “I can't live with Bob anymore; what can I do?”
Thinking that perhaps you have finally gotten through to her this time,
you tell her what you think she should do. This time she didn't follow
through because she and Bob had a long discussion and he admitted to
being wrong and promised he would change.”
Until
the next time.
After
awhile you say to Becky, “You have asked me what I would do in this
situation several times now. I have given you my opinion. You never
accept it. I have nothing further to say on this issue. Do what you feel
is right, but I will no longer be involved. You have not relinquished
your personal control in this situation; on the contrary you have
established your control. You have set your boundaries.
Two
years down the line Becky and Bob have permanently broken up. Becky has
come to a place in her personal growth where she has accepted the fact
that the relationship could never work. You already knew it two years
before. Only now is she finally strong enough to make that painful
decision. Or, perhaps she did not make the decision at all. Perhaps Bob
left her to be with Mary. Either way they are no longer a couple. Even
though you knew two years before that they could not remain a couple
given what was going on back then, Becky had to come to that realization
for herself.
Now she
does, and as a friend, you are there for her to support her in anyway
you can, again!
Carol Roach
winterose@videotron.ca
A Native of
Montreal, Quebec, Carol is a graduate of Concordia, and McGill
University. She holds a bachelor in psychology and a Masters in
counselling psychology. Carol Roach is a published writer and
newsletter editor. You can purchase her book: Picking up the Pieces: A
Woman's Journey at
www.publishamerica.com, or
www.amazon.com. You can also go
to your local bookstore and order it there as well. Carol’s second
book: Angels Watching Over is currently looking for a home. Stay tuned
for details.
If you are
interested in other stories feel free to join her newsletter: Storytime
Tapestry at:
http://subs.zinester.com/98907 ,
or email her directly at
winterose@videotron.ca and she
will be glad to accommodate you. Carol enjoys email and responds to
every inquiry.
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