Storytime Tapestry Newsletter

The newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness throughout the world.

Special Treat – Duane Bates

Sept 14, 2006

More Sexual Hysteria

Duane Bates

batesduane@yahoo.com

My first article on sexual hysteria, Breast Hysteria, outlined the American obsession with breasts and the revulsion, in some quarters, with the concept and images of a mother breast-feeding her infant.  This article will deal with an equally obsessive and destructive trend in American life, the criminalization of normal sexual curiosity and exploration between children.  As a former adolescent and child therapist, the father of two daughters and a former foster parent to a number of girls, I am very distressed to see more and more cases of normal sexual behavior between children turned over to the criminal justice system.

The worst case of this kind of ignorant and distorted behavior occurred several years ago in a nearby city.  The facts of the case are as follows.  A single mother of an eight year-old girl invites one of her daughter’s playmates, an eight ear-old boy to come to their home for the day.  After about an hour the mother goes to check on the kids and finds them is her daughter’s bedroom with only their underpants on.  The mothers ask the kids what they are doing.  Her daughter replies that they were in the process of taking off all their clothes so they could look at each other’s “private parts”.   The mother asks her daughter whose idea it was, and the daughter replies that it was her idea.  Upset and confused, the mother calls the police.  A policeman responds to the home and interviews the kids separately.  The boy and the girl tell the same story: it was the girl that suggested they take off all their clothes and look at each other’s “private parts”.  The officer placed the boy under arrest, handcuffed him and took him to police headquarters where the juvenile court judge placed him in custody and ordered counseling. 

Several aspects of this true story are disturbing.  First is the fact that the mother was completely uneducated as to the normal sexual development of children.  Second is her failure to handle this matter as one of education and discussion within the families. And thirdly was her inability to see that see could “change the subject” by asking the kids to put their clothes back on and come to the kitchen for some milk and cookies. Fourthly, the girl admitted it was all her idea.  Why wasn’t she arrested instead of the boy?

The second situation that illustrates this hysteria recently happened in a hospital in our state capitol.  An eleven year-old girl and a twelve year-old boy in the hospital for treatment. Their rooms are near each other and they have some social contact on the floor.  Nurses testified that the girl was “reckless’ and “grossly negligent” in soliciting the attention and sexual advancements of the boy by writing him intimate notes and inviting him to her room.  Evidently there was some type of consensual sexual contact between the two, and the boy was arrested and charged as a juvenile with second-degree criminal sexual conduct with a minor although he also is a minor. The girl was not charged with anything.

You will note that in both cases only the boy was charged with any offense, even though the girl was the instigator.  The message is loud and clear to the kids:  the boy is always the aggressor and the girl is always innocent and the victim.  It is my position that these types of sexual contact between kids should never be a matter for the criminal courts unless force or the threat of force is involved.  It is normal for children to have curiosity about sex and the physical differences between boys and girls.  As long as this curiosity stays within normal bounds for the age of the kids, no harm is done. On the contrary, great harm can be done to the kids by overreacting to normal exploration and curiosity and involving the police and the courts.  This overreaction is just another example of our failure to properly educate our kids on sex and our attraction/avoidance hysteria on the whole subject of human sexuality.

When I was a child and adolescent therapist I worked with two teen-age girls who had their first experience with intercourse at age ten.  In both cases they had instigated the sexual activity with boys several years older.  When I asked them why, they both gave the same answer:  I had heard all about sex and wanted to see what it was like.  One of the girls had developed into a first-class sexual predator.  When she was fourteen and sexual active I explained to her that state law prohibited sexual activity until she was seventeen.  She could easily pass for eighteen, and her targets where older boys she found attractive.  When I pointed out that the older boys she had sex with, after lying about her age, could go to jail, she laughed and said that was their problem. The last time I saw her she was fifteen and pregnant, but fortunately, no one was in jail because of her lies.

When our daughters reached the appropriate age, my wife and I provided them with comprehensive sex education and made sure they understood that they were responsible for their behavior.  If they were caught having sex or got pregnant, we made it clear that we would not accept any claim of seduction or any other excuse except force or the threat of force.  They got the message loud and clear.

The best sex education starts at birth and continues with age appropriate information within the family. Any sexual curiosity and exploration that is observed should be looked upon as a teachable moment to impart the next level of education.  Parents that have both boys and girls have a special opportunity to deal with the subject and to provide accurate information about the differences between girls and boys.

Young girls are seriously harmed by of the messages, subtle or otherwise, that they are unable to take responsibility for their sexual behaviors; that boys and men are always fully responsible for what happens.  Turning them into victims damages their self-esteem and insults those girls who are victims of real sexual assault. The best protection for our girls is full and complete education and making sure they understand that although they have the desire to say yes to sex, serious consequences for them and their partner may result.

As usual, America is far behind the curve in educating our kids about sex.  The Netherlands has had age appropriate sex education for decades.  That country has the lowest rates of teen abortion, STDs and pregnancy and the highest rate of teen-age virginity in the developed world.  The age of consent in that country is now twelve. They have all the results we want, but we are unable or unwilling to change our attitudes and behaviors to have the same success.  Our approach is claim that is normal for humans to refrain from any sexual activity until they are married.  Continuing along this path of denying that girls have any responsibility for consensual sexual activity and jailing the boys will only produce more and more sexually dysfunctional adults.