Storytime Tapestry Newsletter

The newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness throughout the world.

Special Treat – Sharon Bryant

Oct 14, 2006

HEART PRINT

Sharon Bryant

Last night I couldn't sleep.  I laid in bed thinking of so many things.  Wondering how the years have passed so quickly.  When I was 10, I wanted to be a teenager.  When I became a teenager I wanted to be 21.  When I was 21, I thought life was grand.  I was young, I had a car, I had a good job, and I was a newlywed.  I didn't think past 21 years old at the time.  And yet, the years kept coming and coming.

I remember my mother telling me many times that once I got to be 21, the years would fly by without me noticing them.  I didn't notice it much at 30 or even 40.  Even 50 wasn't bad.  But now I've reached 60.  I've lived more years now than I still have to go.

And yet, when I think back, I ask myself, "Where did the years go?"  How did my children get to be 25 and 27 so quickly?

My daughter called me the other day.  I had sent her a photo of myself.  She said, "Mom, you're getting old, I see your hair is turning gray.  I worry about you."  My future daughter-in-law keeps telling me that never will I ever have to worry about going into a convalescent home.  And yet, I would never want to be a burden on my children.

That is one thing my dad made me promise him when my mom died.  He told me he never wanted to go into a home and he told me to promise him I'd never put him in one.  I made that promise.  Dad always said he never wanted to be a burden on my sister, brother or myself.  He said he never wanted to disrupt our daily life for him.  I'd have given my own life if I could have had dad live longer.

I remembered birthday parties, Holidays, happiness, and sadness in my life.  Even today I still tell God I don't know how I've managed to live this long without my little boy.  I once never thought that was possible.  For there was a time in my life when a minute seemed like a lifetime when I was hanging onto my sanity and the pain was so great.

I thought about my life with my parents.  The wonderful memories I carry.  I thought of my life as a newlywed and the hardships we faced in the military in those days.  I thought about the birth of my beautiful son five years later, never thinking that I would never have a long term future with him.

I thought about my two remaining children.  I observe and see so many things of myself in both of them.  I see two people who were taught to care for animals in a kind way and to try and be good to everyone.  I see them both offering to help others as they so many times saw me do.  I feel they'll be just fine when my time on earth is done.

I sent my daughter a big box of homemade candy for her birthday.  She called and said, "Mom, there's a family down the street who have so little, so I shared my birthday gift with them.  They were so happy."

I think about dying a lot.  I wonder how I will go.  When I will go. 

I think about what I can do that I can be remembered by.  I've always wanted someone out there to benefit from my life.  I've wondered about how many bereaved parents I've tried to help.  The hands I've held, the shoulders I held, and the tears I wiped away when someone else had to go through what I have.  I always wondered if I gave them hope with them knowing I endured the same pain as they.

I wonder how many good working years I still have.  I like my job, I truly enjoy it, but still I wonder how many years my health will hold up.  I have a cousin who is the same age I am and she's battling cancer right now.  I have an aunt with cancer.  I lost my mom to cancer.

I think about how much easier it was when I was young to make a living compared to today.  My father quit school in his senior year and yet he made something of himself.  He became a prosperous business man, self made.  I always tried to follow in his footsteps, and I too, became a business owner at a young age.  And yet today is different times than when I was young.  So many are struggling just to keep a job with so many businesses folding.  So many are facing the challenge of "What will happen if I get sick, I have no health insurance."  So many today can't afford medical.  It didn't used to be like that.

Yesterday someone run into me I haven't seen in a long time.  I told them I lost my wonderful father in January of this year........and suddenly this lump got into my throat, my eyes started watering and I had to turn away.  He hugged me and said he knew how much my dad meant to me.  I told him it still hurts so much.  Dad's birthday is next month and for the first time in over 50 some years, I won't be able to buy him a gift.  I have no idea how Christmas will be this year.  I try and put that out of my mind for now.

Dad got his wish.  He never had to go into a home.  Though Alzheimer's was claiming his mind, his body was doing so well.  He'd just had a check up two days before the massive heart attack struck.  I think to myself, "That's the way I want to go."  Quick.

But then sometimes I'm greedy and tell God going in my sleep would be easy also.

I discuss this topic of dying with many friends who are my age.  I ask them if they too think of dying and how it's going to be.  They all told me yes they do.  Forty years ago I wouldn't even begin to discuss that topic.  I was young, I had my whole life ahead of me.

I remember when my grandmother one day in '68 asked me to take her to town.  She was dressed up and I wondered where we were going.  She said, "Take me to the funeral parlor."  I looked at her like she'd lost her mind and she said, "I'm making my funeral arrangements and I want you to help me pick out a casket."

I took her and I refused to go inside with her.  The thought of her dying was far from my mind.  I couldn't imagine ever losing her.  And yet I lost her in '74.  And I, like her, have made my funeral arrangements.  I don't want my children or husband to have to live with, "Did I do the right thing for her?"  I have everything set the way I want it.  No regrets do I want my family to live with.

Just last night my phone rang.  It was the brother of a man who was my friend for many years and who once worked for me.  His brother's voice broke when he told me my friend had died of cancer.  I told him how sorry I was and I understood what he was going through.  And then he said, "He was with us for 75 years, he lived a full, good life." 

I thought about that last night also.  I once used to think 75 was old, but now I know it's not.  It's just a number.  All the years are just that, numbers.  It's what we do with those numbers that make us who we are.  It's what we plan and hope and dream about in all those years that count.

If I died tomorrow, I've done as much as I possibly can do in my 60 years.  And yet, I hope I have a few more numbers to add on to the 60.  I hope I can help some more people that may need a hand.  I hope I can help dry some tears for someone who is hurting.

I hope I can leave something behind that my children will always remember me for.  The same way my dad did for me.

I hope to leave a heart print.

Sharon Bryant

1946@bellsouth.net