Storytime Tapestry Newsletter

The newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness around the world.

Carol’s Corner

Dec 24, 2006

I Should be Happy But I am not

I should be happy, it is Christmas, I tell myself every year but the truth of the matter is since my grandmother’s passing in 1981, I have lost the true spirit of Christmas.  This is not something I am boasting about.  I should be happy but I am not.

This article really was not one I intended to write but I have to get it off my chest.  When I write it is cathartic for me, it heals my tormented soul.

Ten years ago I completed my master’s degree in counseling psychology and I was so full of hope.  I thought success would follow but it didn’t. I was a single mother who was one step away from welfare and I couldn’t wait around for my dream job to come.  I had rent to pay and the landlord was not interested in dreams, he was interested in money. 

I took telemarketing and then customer service jobs just to pay the bills.  I wasn’t happy but at least I had a roof over my head and the bills were paid.  I said that I would only do it for awhile and I would gradually find a job in my field before it was too late.  Some how I lost focus on my dream and I lost track of time and then it was too late.

I stayed in customer service way too long and the irony of it all was that I began to hate it.  The money was not as important as my mental health.  To make matters worse, I got physically ill as well.  I became diabetic, arthritic to the point that I could hardly walk and I contracted several other physical conditions which happened to be stressed related.  

The only thing that kept me going for awhile was the fact that I published my first book, Picking up the Pieces: A Woman’s Journey in 1984.  I worked as a customer service rep during the day and wrote at night.  I began to identify myself as a writer and distancing myself from my actual day work. I lost my dream to work as a counselor figuring I had stayed out of the field way too long.

After three leave of absences from work, I had no choice but to quit the customer service job. My health deteriorated to the point that I could not physically do it anymore.  I have not worked since February 2005. 

While I was on sick leave I did write another manuscript Angels Watching Over Me.  I also publish a very successful newsletter and I am a columnist for several magazines.  My work has been published all over the Internet, in magazines and anthologies. 

I do love writing and I would hope that one day it will bring in enough income so that I would never have to find a day job again.  I am a freelance writer; this is who I am. This is my dream now.

In March I went to school to brush up on my French so that I could re-enter the work force and then I took a job search workshop.  When it was time to decide which field I wanted, I was torn between my former dream and my new one.  I wanted both. I wanted to counsel and I wanted to write.

It is now Christmas and I still do not have a day job.  I have no money and I will probably be forced to go back to customer service.  The thought of that makes me ill just thinking about it, but I have to make a living.   My Christmas is far from a happy one.

Today I stared success in the face and I realized what a failure I am.  I met a former classmate.  We interned together in the same hospital.  In the last ten years he worked for a few places as a counselor went back to school for more training and now has opened his own private practice. 

I don’t know if he could see how sad I was.  I wanted to cry.  He asked me what I did for a living, and I know he expected me to say that I worked somewhere as a counselor, I made up a lie about working in a hospital and then told him I was off on sick leave.  I couldn’t get away from him fast enough.  I didn’t want to be reminded of what could have been for me. 

I left him and posted two affidavits for Fate Magazine.  They bought two of my stories.  Dovetail Magazine also bought one of my stories this week.  I should be happy but I am not.

Carol Roach

winterose@videotron.ca

A Native of Montreal, Quebec, Carol is a graduate of Concordia, and McGill University.  She holds a bachelor in psychology and a Masters in counselling psychology.  Carol Roach is a published writer and newsletter editor.  You can purchase her book: Picking up the Pieces: A Woman's Journey at www.publishamerica.com, or www.amazon.com.  You can also go to your local bookstore and order it there as well.  Be sure to quote the isbn number: 1-4137-1921-X for local purchases:  Carol’s second book: Angels Watching Over is currently looking for a home. Stay tuned for details. 

If you are interested in other stories feel free to join her newsletter: Storytime Tapestry at: http://subs.zinester.com/98907 , or email her directly at winterose@videotron.ca and she will be glad to accommodate you.  Carol enjoys email and responds to every inquiry.