Storytime Tapestry Newsletter

The newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness around the world.

Beyond The Mirror – A Bill Allin Column

Dec 29, 2006

"Love" Doesn’t Mean Much Any More
by Bill Allin

Love traditionally takes up more space in dictionaries than any other English word.

Motherly love. Sisterly love. Brotherly love. Father-son love. Father-daughter love. Love of life. Family love. Love of job. Love of God. Love of work. Falling in love. Making love.

When two sisters meet and greet each other with hugs and kisses, they are considered to be sharing sisterly love. When two brothers greet each other in a similar manner, "They must be gay." The sexist hypocrisy of this seems to escape the observers. It’s part of the confusing complexion of "love."

When a word has so many meanings with so many possibilities for misinterpretation, the word not only means little, but its use could be detrimental to its purpose.

When someone loves you, what does it really mean?

"Love" is perhaps the most adored word in the language. How can we possibly use this word without potential confusion?

Part of the problem is that we don’t know what acts or thoughts comprise the various meanings of love. Genetics alone, for example, do not determine love between mother and son.

A birth mother and son who are separated at birth are not expected to love each other 20 years later. The son may love an adopted mother or step-mother deeply. What’s the difference?

If the adoption happened at birth or shortly thereafter, the son will have imprinted on his memory the smell and touch of the person he comes to call "mother" later. Human smells are distinctive, thus a baby can tell the difference between one woman he knows as "mother" from all other women. We don’t think of ourselves as having acute powers of smell, but recent research has shown that some of us have more than we realize. This may be more true of children, whose olfactory systems have been less spoiled than those of adults.

We have a more acute sense of smell if we sniff quickly as we might expect a dog to do when following a trail. Our nostrils even work in stereo then, allowing us to identify from what direction a smell originates.

With ordinary breathing, our sense of smell is not exceptional. Nor should it be, for the brain needs to have a way to focus on olfactory input at some times while ignoring it other times. If the brain were sensitive to smells all the time, it would be perpetually confused by a plethora of information.

We tend to remember the smell of the woman we know as "mother." This is true even as adults. We also remember how much touch we receive from mother. And how much we once received from her, even though the memories may be vague, effectively buried until roused by that smell again.

Touch is the way we measure several kinds of love. The kind of skin-to-skin contact and the amount of it gives us a sort of natural barometer about how much love exists between us and others. Couples who love each other a great deal, for example, find ways to show each other, often unconsciously, through touch. This can include holding hands while walking on a beach, touching the shoulder of the other while passing in the kitchen or sitting side by side while enjoying a sunset.

How does this work for nuns, who love God, who are "married to Jesus," where physical touch is impossible? Brain scans of nuns who were meditating or deeply in prayer show activity in the part of the brain where dopamine is produced. For these women, praying is pleasurable as a natural "high."

In the case of nuns, who are celibate, their reward for love of God or Jesus is real and measurable (directly by science, indirectly by experience), as are the rewards of other kinds of love.

Some day it may be possible for engaged couples to be tested scientifically to determine the degree and nature of the love they profess, just as it’s possible now to have DNA tests.

Meanwhile, we will have to make do with the trial and error method, which involves a whole lot of guessing and hoping, to feel whether someone loves us. Or we can rely on the "touch test" as a measuring method. It’s more reliable.

Bill Allin
'Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today’s Epidemic Social Problems,' a book about real and inexpensive solutions to community problems most people think are inevitable evils of modern society. They aren't. We just have to look in the right place.
Learn more at http://billallin.com
Contact author Bill Allin at turningitaround@sympatico.ca