Storytime Tapestry Newsletter

The newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness throughout the world.

Contest Special    – Pina Martinelli

January 12, 2007

Life, Death and Everything in Between: Getting Back to Normal After Boo

Pina Martinelli

 I haven't felt like writing much these last several  weeks, as all of you know. The week of December 4th was all but a bust for me when it came to living life, let alone doing any posting on Gather. I was barely functional at work Monday, December 4th, two days after Boo went to the Rainbow Bridge. I was a lost soul that morning and was expecting my Assistant Director to be in after her two week vacation, but she wasn't. In my fog I had forgotten she had taken that Monday off as well. I wanted to off load some things to her so I could chill out and regroup, and was annoyed she wasn't going to be there. I wasn't mad at her at all. I was just annoyed with life in general at the time. The end of semester madness - where everyone is cramming events in before final exams - was upon me, and I couldn't handle it. I was at my weakest point then, and had little emotional reserves left to cope with a hectic work environment, let alone soothe the angst of cranky and demanding faculty and students. Usually I can, but that week I simply couldn't. I tried but.....

On Tuesday, December 5th, I simply stayed home and stayed in bed, exhausted from the preceding week's events. I wasn't feeling great either, so staying home and resting was the best thing for me. I was so tired and depressed from being so emotionally drained and raw I was barely functional. By Wednesday, (and through Thursday, 12/7) I started to improve, but I was still decidedly off, my stress load appearing while I drove. Anxiety. Slight vestiges of panic driving at night. Too many cars. Too many bright headlights bombarding my eyes every which way - oncoming traffic, SUV's behind me and on top of me, flashing their head lights to drive faster and faster and faster. Crazy holiday drivers not paying attention, including the three vehicles that nearly crashed into me while I drove past them; they pulling out into traffic without looking, completely unaware of my presence on the road, even in broad daylight. Fog lights and Halogen vehicle lights burning out my tearing, red eyes at night,  my migraines starting to emerge. Me, scared and worn.  Raging hormones. PMS and Perimenopause wreaking havoc on my worn psyche. On Friday, December 8th, I was simply gone after I came home from work. I went to bed, my safe haven when I came home at night. The next day we visited friends further Upstate in New York and I was restored. 

During that first week after Boo's death I made feeble attempts at signing on to Gather each day, at work and at home. I diligently opened up my Gather pages and took care of some more mundane chores: accepted new people, erased and read mail. But for the most part I simply stared at the screen, unable to find words to create a post, respond to email, or comment on posts, let alone read them. I felt guilty I couldn't respond, but I had nothing to say - certainly nothing of any humor or import or relevance. All I could think about was what had occurred at the end of November/early December in our lives. I tried to think of something to write, but the words fell through the hourglass like swiftly moving sand until I ran dry.  Every page I looked at and every thought I had drifted away and disappeared into blankness, white and pure, as if they were an empty canvas waiting for a touch of color, texture. And then, as quickly as I logged on, I logged off again, and stared outside my window at work. I gazed upon our Rotunda's dome and wondered if I would find any words there. I wondered when peace would come. I was spent and exhausted, my voice below the level of a whisper.

Going away last weekend and staying overnight at the home of our best friends restored us both. We had such a wonderful time partying with them and we both are on solid ground. God, that feels good! A bit more than two weeks has passed since Dinero went to the Rainbow Bridge, and we are coming back to life here. Life has resumed its normal ebb and flow, and I am calmer now, thankfully. Today I will pick up Boo's ashes while I do my weekend round of chores, happy he will be home with us until we bury his ashes next spring. Peace is here now and all of us, including our other furchildren, are settling in.

Unfortunately, nothing is ever easy! On the heels of Boo's death, our beloved eldest cat, Chili, is starting to have inappropriate elimination problems as he was. Instead of urine marking our house everywhere as he did, she has taken to peeing and sometimes pooping in our hallway now. She is also peeing on our loveseat and its pillows these days. We suspected she was up to something before Boo died, but we weren't sure. Now this has been confirmed and we are facing another elderly cat's issues.

I am not crying about this. This isn't to say I am not sad or concerned or won't cry if this turns out to be the beginning of her end, but I am realistic now. She is aging and it is to be expected. She could be stressed out because of the other cats, namely Ginger, or she is depressed that her brother is gone now. We aren't sure, but rather than hurling myself into more hysterics, I am remaining calm. Both Porgie and I are keeping a watchful eye over her and are working towards retraining her, but it is slow. During our Christmas vacation I will take her to the vet to see what is up with her. She seems fine and healthy and is as feisty as she ever was, but her peeing concerns us both. I told Porgie the other day that if it turns out our eldest girly needs to go to the Bridge to join her brother, I am at peace with that. She is 14 and a half years old, and has had a wonderful life with us, so I won't hang on as I did with Boo. I learned a lesson with his life and death: sometimes, despite the pain of letting go, it is the best thing to do. 

And with that, I say Hello again! I am here now, finally. Thanks to all of you for your help during those awful weeks with Boo, and thanks for your patience. Meanwhile, I am about to throw myself into the shower and start my day. You enjoy your day as well, and I will be back later...to comment, to be there and listen to all of you!  

Pina Martinelli

Pina1101@aol.com