Storytime Tapestry Newsletter

The newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness around the world.

Carol’s Corner

June 29, 2007

Diary of a Fat Girl

Carol Roach

No is a two letter word that sometimes can be so hard to say.  It is hard for me as an obese person to say no to food.  Medically I know that I am playing with fire, I am at risk for a heart attack or stroke.  My arteries and veins can clog up with fatty deposits, (cholesterol) and obstruct the blood flow to and from the heart.  The excess fat causes my heart to work harder and one day it just might give out from exhaustion.

My feet swell up sometimes so bad, that they resemble balloons, completely shapeless and unattractive.  I cannot remember the last time I actually saw that I had ankles. In the winter, I cannot leave the house because I cannot walk.  I cannot stand up for more than five minutes without my back hurting me.  I am tired all the time. I am unable to keep a job outside the house because of it.  

One thing good about my condition is that it forced me to find a new career; one that I could do from home.  I went back to my passion.  I now write for a living now and I can do that from home. 

Nevertheless, being overweight is neither healthy nor socially acceptable. Some people look at me with disgust. This is something I have had to face all my life. Most people cannot understand how anyone can be obese.

They say “just say know to food, what is the big deal?”

Unless you walk in the shoes of an obese person, you cannot begin to understand what the big deal really is. Food becomes our life.

When I was young the pupils at school laughed at me because of my weight. They called me names and shunned me.  Most of them didn’t want to play with me and so from a very young age I knew the pain of rejection.  All I wanted was to have friends.  I would have done just about anything to be a popular girl. Instead I learned to fit in where I could.  I associated myself with other girls who were ostracized or considered weird in some way just like me.

Instead of having many friends, I had my dogs and I had my food.  A chocolate bar or a piece of cake temporarily eased my pain and made me feel better.

When I was in high school I longed to have a boyfriend.  The slim girls never seemed to have a problem getting one.  The fat girls like me lived vicariously, listening to their adventures with their boyfriends and dreaming about what it would be like to have a boyfriend of our own. 

Most of us resorted to pretending we had a boyfriend who didn’t go to our school.  I went as far as carrying a picture of a boy in my school bag.  The skinny girls were not stupid. They knew it was just stories we made up to feel wanted and loved just like everyone else.

Even at home the girls on the block had boyfriends and I was the only one without.  Once or twice one of the guys in our gang would say to me, “you have a pretty face, too bad you are so big.”  Those words cut me like a knife, the same way they did when I was a young child.

When the popular girls were out on a Saturday night with their boyfriends, I sat home with my pretty face and I watched TV; but who could watch TV without eating right?

After I married and then divorced, I once again found it hard to date.  I was lonely and I wanted to have someone in my life but I became discouraged fast.  I joined a single parent organization figuring I could find somebody there.  But nothing much had changed since high school.  The skinny girls got all the guys and the big girls sat alone. 

I joined the board of directors as soon as I joined the association.  I wanted and needed friends desperately; all my friends were married and no longer had time for me.  So I had to create a new life for myself.  I made male friendships in the association, yet I never succeeded in finding a boyfriend.  Still, I was not alone, all the fat ladies were in the same position as I was. 

Every Saturday night the association held dances as fund raisers for the children’s activities.  I worked the dances, mainly because I was not a dancer, but also because I did not like the pain of always being judged for my weight. 

If you walked into the majority of dances you would see all the normal sized women up dancing and the fat women sitting down watching.  Was it really because fat women don’t like to exercise, a common feeling that many of the association members held at the time?

No, it was because they were never asked.  I literally saw two men on separate occasions going up to a table of woman and asking each and every one of the ladies to have a dance with them until they reached the fat lady at the table and then rudely moved on.  Was mean and nasty? Was there something wrong with her?  No, she was just fat. I never liked to dance but I would not want the embarrassment and pain of that kind of rejection, and so my remedy was to work the dance.

Laura, a 32 years old pretty young divorcee with two children had a different solution.  She came to the association to meet someone, but because she was 100 pounds overweight no guy gave her a second look. She served on the board of directors and she went to the activities with her kids.  She was stronger than I was at the time. She went on a diet and lost the weight. Suddenly all the men took notice.  She rejected them all and told them straight, “you didn’t want me when I was fat, so I don’t want you now.”

I couldn’t lose the weight, I tried diet after diet but I just could not keep to it.  I got cravings so bad that I couldn’t sleep.  All my emotions were tied to food, I ate when I was hungry, when I was happy, when I was bored and the more rejections I got from men the more I ate.  I ate when I was stressed out and I ate when I was depressed; food had always been the silent but deadly comforter.

There were the pop psychologists in the association who felt that I was so big because subconsciously I wanted to distance myself from men.  They were so wrong.  I had wants and needs as a young divorcee just like anyone else.  This seemed to surprise some of the men when I told them I was looking for a boyfriend. . A few of them thought that I was just a good person who devoted myself to the association to make other people happy.  They didn’t realize I had needs of my own.

Once I was foolish enough to think that I had found someone. He called me every night. As needy as I was at the time, at first I didn’t realize that he was not interested in me, He was interested in my best friend.  It then occurred to me that our conversations always centered on Gina. What did Gina like to do,? Did she like him; and finally would she consider going out with him?  I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when I realized his true intentions.  He was just using me to get to her.

He was the first of several who called me to get through to Gina. At least, after that learning experience I know what the real score was.  But you know it still felt good to talk to a male voice. 

Just like listening to the male radio announcer felt good.  I did the same as other lonely women; I got so wrapped up in the male announcer’s voice that I almost believed he is talking directly to me. The melodic voice, saying “and now I will serenade you to sounds of the righteous brothers on this hot, lazy August evening. Sit back, relax, enjoy.”

Like many other women I knew, I had an imaginary lover, I called him Rocco, and he was just perfect, he did not care about my weight, he cared about me. He was loving and affectionate and a true gentleman.

I left the association and went on to university, I made a very good male friend but I still did not find a boyfriend.   It was about this time that I discovered the internet, and it was not long afterward that I discovered internet dating. It was easier to hide behind a computer screen.   Even when I did send a picture, the men didn’t seem to mind.  I found that American men were more tolerant of my weight than Canadian men were.  However, did it really matter – I never got to meet them in real life anyway.  

After about three years I got tired of trying to find men in the USA; it was just too difficult to meet. So I set my goals on men in Canada and it was back to square one. You see even though I told the men I was obese they said it didn’t matter until they saw me in person and then I never got a second date. At first I thought it was just me, and then after talking to my other overweight friends I found the same things were happening to them as well.  

Pat told me that she always warned the internet or telephone dates about her weight.  But when they met her they were disappointed.  She told me about one experience where she got all dressed up and when the doorbell rang the date took one look at her and said, “ oh no you’re too fat for me,” and turned around and walked away. At least the guys I met were decent enough to have the one date.

After 23 years of being alone I finally met someone. Matt was different. He loved me from the minute he saw me and we have been together now eight years. He understands my struggles with my weight. 

Obesity is a disease.  Our emotions are connected with our food cravings.  Food is the deadly comforter. If it was a matter of just saying no, pushing away the plate, controlling our eating, most people would not be obese.  Food can be an addiction just like alcohol or drugs.  Psychologists say food becomes the comforter for those who seek love.  I know in my case it might very well be true.  I have used it as my friend, and my lover all my life. Obesity is a disease and should be treated as such.

New research indicates that obese people may have a chemical imbalance in the brain.  They may not have enough dopamine receptors in the brain.  Dopamine is brain chemical already associated with alcoholism, drug addiction and gambling. http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/1149876.stm. 

In a brain imaging study, Dr. Gene Jack Wang found that the brain of an obese person was slightly different in the homunculus area of the cerebral cortex.  By using a Pet Scan, he found increased activity in the sensory area of the brain responsible for making the taste of food more palatable. The theory he proposes is that food tastes much better to an obese person compared to a person with normal weight. He suggests that therapies in the future may include a substance that will make food less appealing to an obese individual. http://www.bnl.gov/bnlweb/pubaf/pr/2002/bnlpr062002.htm

Other researchers are looking into the connection of the sugar craving with lower levels of serotonin. Perhaps one day there will be a cure for obesity that stretches beyond the yoyo effects of dieting, gaining weight and dieting again.  At the moment doctors prescribe dieting in combination with exercise; neither of which work for me. What about people that are so obese like myself that we cannot exercise because we cannot even stand up without being in pain? 

Although people think that fat people are jolly I can attest that most of us are not.  Many fat people pretend to be happy and excessively nice just to make friends in a world that judges us severely.  Others are now taking back their power saying no to the weight that other people feel is right for them.  Young women are learning to love themselves no matter how big or small they are.

As for myself, I love myself, Matt loves me, my family and friends love me, but I would love to be me, only smaller.  My health issues would go away, my social life would no longer be curtailed and I would be able to walk into a department store and find something to wear which would actually fit me and look good on me as well.

Carol Roach

winterose@videotron.ca

Check out her newest book,

Angels Watching Over Me. http://www.lulu.com/content/644485