Storytime Tapestry Newsletter

The newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness around the world.

Carol’s Corner

July 10, 2007

Just Say No

Carol Roach

No this article is not about former first lady Nancy Regan’s wonderful anti drug campaign for children called Just Say NO, but it is about another important subject.  It is about women’s inability to say no when they really should. It is about how woman would rather work themselves to the bone, literally martyr themselves, rather than disappoint another human being. Many of us ignore this very important issue or even scoff at it.  However, this topic should not be relegated to a woman’s study course in university but should be readily available to all women everywhere.

We know the wonderful work done by pioneer women such as Judith Brown, Beverly Jones, Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem, was to pave a new way of life for the American woman; to show that women were more than just housewives. We had brains, we had skills and we could use them outside the home.

Despite the onset of woman’s liberation in the 1960’s and the philosophy of woman’s equality, we well know that many woman in this world are still subservient to men.  Just saying no in some countries could put a woman’s life in danger, but for the most part in North America it is not so.

Woman’s liberation has taught us to respect our minds and our bodies.  Consequently, the North American legal systems defend a woman’s right to say no in court in with regards to rape cases.  In Canada a woman can say no to an unwanted pregnancy. But the Cultural Revolution has still not fully transformed us. We still have a hard time saying no in just about every dimension of our lives.

No generation is more affected in this inability to assert our wishes than the baby boomers, the Ozzie and Harriet Generation.  We grew up with Nelsons, the perfect family in a perfect world.  In the world of the 1950’s as portrayed on television, the husbands were the bread winners and the women were perfect wives, mothers, housekeepers, cooks, in other words they were perfect in everyway. 

Baby boomers had a tall order to fill, not only did they have be perfect in the house but now as they aged and joined the workforce, they contributed to the household economy as well.  Very little extra pressure was put on the husband, but the wife still resumed her household duties and worked outside the home.  Yet in many cases she still had to be perfect or else.

My sister got married in 1975.  She was a young woman and bored at home while her husband was off at work.  She wanted to work.  Her husband flatly refused stating that no wife of his was going to work.  After a year of arguing back and forth he finally compromised, she could work as long as her household duties did not go astray. 

I didn’t have that problem, finances dictated that both my husband and I work, but I said no to doing all the housework, while my sister wouldn’t dream of her husband picking up a broom!

Even though I thought of myself as the modern woman with a modern attitude, it was really only a camouflage for my true feelings.  I was deeply affected by the lack of understanding I received from my family and some of my friends. They could not comprehend why I was a working mother.  Somehow in their mind a working mother was a part time mother and therefore not a real mother.  They said I should be home taking care of my own child. I should not have others do it for me.  My aunt went as far as to say that if I didn’t want my child why did I have him in the first place? She was very content in her Ozzie and Harriett world and felt that all other woman should feel the same way.

I put on the bravado to the outside world and stood my ground with my modern philosophy, but deep down inside I questioned my ability as a mother.  I said no to the confining world of the 1950’s American woman, but I was a product of both worlds and did not quite know where I fit in best.

After my divorce, I started doing a lot of volunteer work, and like most women in volunteer work I got caught up in the trap of not being able to say no.  The more I took on the more they asked me to do; it was never enough.  I had joined the association to find activities to do with my son, and it was that very association that was eating up all my time and keeping me away from my son.  It wasn’t until my son became a juvenile delinquent that it occurred to me just how much time I was spending volunteering and not being home with him.  I looked around and saw the same thing happening to the other women in the association and I did something about it - finally said no. 

It was amazing how administrators could never find anyone do it except me until I said no.  All of a sudden someone stepped up to the task. Even more amazing was the fact that the association did not fall apart and neither did I.  I actually became a stronger more self confident person because of it.

Females are taught to be good little girls from birth. Then as we grow up somehow “good girls” got twisted into the idea that to be good you had to please everyone. We become people pleasers.  To say “no” meant being bad somehow, not perfect, not right, at fault, not worthy of other people’s love and certainly not worthy of self love.

When I took on all the extra responsibility of way too much volunteer work, I felt that I would be letting the association down if I didn’t do it.  I felt like a failure and I felt that they would not care about me anymore, actually look down at me for not doing all I could do for the betterment of the organization. 

Since those days when I was still struggling with my identity as a woman, I have met many women who have trouble saying no. Some like me had trouble juggling home life with volunteer work, while others had trouble within their home life and interpersonal relationships.

Peggy is a young mother whom I met online. She recently questioned her ability to be a good mother when she punished her son for acting out.  She confiscated his computer game as a punishment and then asked everyone in the chat room if they thought she was a bad mother.  When did discipline become wrong?  The idea of discipline became convoluted with the idea of this woman saying no and that was the real issue.

Lisa, a seasoned volunteer, was spending so much time away from home that her husband jokingly threatened to divorce her if he had to come home from work, make supper, and take care of the kids one more night, all for the sake of volunteer work. Like me, she had to take a long hard look at her life and how she was neglecting her own family to help others.

Sometimes we get so involved in helping others. We really love what we are doing and we just do not see the toll it takes on our lives and the lives our families. Then there are other times when we actually do see what is happening and yet we are still unable to say no.

Colleen had a friend who was always borrowing money.  She was resentful of this fact because she did not have much money herself, yet when her friend asked she gave.  I asked Colleen why do it if she really didn’t have the money to spare? She responded that she simply could not say no, it was her friend and that is what friends do for each other. The unfortunate part was that there was no reciprocation on the part of the friend though.

Rebecca had a friend who was constantly inebriated and got himself into trouble.  Each time it happened, he expected her to come to his rescue. He called her just recently to tell her he was in jail and he needed her to come and get him.  This time he had gotten into a fight at a bar and was put in the “drunk tank” overnight.  She didn’t want to do it, she had helped him out so many times before, and yet he convinced her to get out of her warm bed and go and get him anyway.  Though tired of always rescuing him she went because she just couldn’t say no.

We continue to do these things, because we are good little girls, always doing what we are told even when we are adults. We are taught to be the nurturers of the world, we are taught to serve others, and deep down inside we are afraid if we say no then certain people will not like us anymore.

I learned years ago to say no, sometimes it is very hard, but in the long run you cannot be your brother’s keeper if you cannot take care of yourself.

If you want to help others you must help yourself first.  You must be strong, healthy and have as little stress over helping others as possible.  You have to learn to balance out the important things in your life.  You have to learn to do things in moderation, set boundaries, know what is innately okay for you to take on and what becomes overload.

Watch for these physical signs and emotional reactions to see if you are a person with the inability to say no.

Always tired

Always stressed  

Always on the go without a moment’s rest

Wishing you could just staying home and have a hot bath, watch TV or just have a laugh with your family

Looking like a hurricane about to happen?  Do you find that you do not have the time to do the things you like to do for hobbies and recreation? 

Saying yes when you really want to say no; then resenting the person for it.

Feeling guilty when someone asks something of you and you just do not want to do it

Feeling like a failure because you can’t be all things to all people.

Feeling like you are losing yourself, (the essence of who you are), just to make someone else happy.

If any of these things describe you, then lady it is time to slow down, relax, take a breather, or a long deserved sabbatical. Most importantly the next time someone comes to the door, telephones, or meets you on the street asking something of you, just say no!

Your world will not fall apart; the ground will not open up and send you to that fiery pit below.  Your friends will still love you, your family will still love you, the volunteer associations will still need you and they will respect you. In turn you will learn to love and respect yourself.

Carol Roach

winterose@videotron.ca

Check out her newest book,

Angels Watching Over Me. http://www.lulu.com/content/644485