<br>STORYTIME TAPESTRY

<br>Special Treat    

<p>March 28, 2005</p>

Phoenix Rising

Carol Roach

From the 42dayswriting series:

Note: The lesson was to write about a strong emotional feeling felt at that very moment of writing. At the time this piece was written I was still working. You know by now that I have since left that job. Readers can refer back to the pearl that I call Clarity for further developments in the area of my job and how I dealt with my dismissal, posted earlier on Pearlsoup and Storytime Tapestry.

The Phoenix Rising

Today I feel weary. I have been physically ill for so long. I don't remember what it is like to feel right in my skin.

Today I simply could not make it into work. The walls were caving in on me and I vomited. I was scared. I did not want to venture out feeling like this. What if I fell? What if I along the way, my sickness worsened and could not get to work while being stuck somewhere in transit? What if, what if, what if?

These questions are important ones as my physical condition must be addressed, but behind the immediate comes the question that haunts me the most. What if I lose my job?

I am confused. I feel uncertain about my job, uncertain about my future.

I feel that I am in a prison, a prison that is partially of my own making, but a prison of circumstance. I am emotionally chained to the job because of money. My heart is entrapped. I cannot move. I cannot expand. My heart cannot leave this hell; not yet, not until I am fired.

My heart is heavy. My heart is sad. My heart longs for more. It does not long for this poor excuse of a job, but it does long for a job that I will be happy in.

My heart searches freedom. I want to fly like a bird and soar over my challenges; I want to rise like the phoenix. Only right now I feel like I am burning in the ashes of despair.

When I feel this way, I go back to a poem that I had written when I first found out I had diabetes. It helps me to realize that one must never give up until our days on this earth are done. For when we do give up, we are in fact already dead; emotionally dead to this world and all the wonder about it.

When I once again grasp the message I send in my poem, I know I will survive. I will climb my mountains, and I will soar like the eagle, ever regal ever proud, ever free!

Here is the poem for anyone who is interested.

The Lady Of Despair

She moves quickly through the night
The Lady of despair
Gathering minions by her might
For we must all beware

Onward she marshes
No time to delay
Her ever seeking body arches
Searching for her prey

She crouches quietly at your door
For that inviting light
Overpowering emotion and more
Quashing wisdom and blinding sight

She listens while your heart beats strong
Time being her greatest ally
You??™ve lost if but one heartbeats wrong
She has no time to dally

Wherever happiness prevails
She unleashes her tale of woe
Causing all signs of joy to fail
Adding to her legions we all go

Many have attempted to resist her charm
For she is quite the temptress
Lost in her clutches succumbing to harm
Unable to withstand her duress

Alone I stand at my door to wait
To defeat the Lady of despair
I cannot fail and seal my fate
For my soul cries out I still care, I still care