STORYTIME TAPESTRY

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Special Treat ??“ Sharon Bryant

June 18, 2005

Am I Healed

Sharon Bryant

Someone asked me the other day if I felt I was "totally healed" from my child's death.  I asked them to define healed.  I asked if someone does heal, is there scars?  I asked if the scars had a thin layer of skin, or thick.  They didn't know what to say.

It got me thinking of so many things.

I remember the first few months and years after my child died.  I wasn't healed.  I didn't have a scar.  I had an open bleeding sore that would not begin to heal.  But am I healed today?  Again, I would want the word healed described for a bereaved parent.

I've talked to other parents who lost a child long ago like I have.  We discussed what the years have done to us, how we have coped, and how we survive.  Not all of us feel that we are healed.

Losing a child causes not only inner scars, but outer ones that we try to hide.  I still today will get choked up when I see a newly bereaved parent fall apart.  It still gets to me when certain days come that I know are going to bring back a lot of memories.  For me, memories are always just under the surface of who I am.

Some ask me if holidays, birthdays, etc, are easier now.  Yes, some are easier, but then again, that all depends.  I still never know when one will hit me in the stomach and punch my heart and rip open the scar that has not healed totally. 

I had a bereaved mom tell me that she can't "go there", can't "dwell" on the past, can't put herself in that position.  And I think to myself......no, maybe you can't look at things, and perhaps you've put your child's photos up where you feel the pain won't be as bad looking at them daily, but I'll never believe any parent does not "go there."

For me, I guess the word time would have to come into how I've survived.  My child will be gone 28 years this fall.  I keep saying "28 years, how is that possible?"  Because it never seems like it's been that long.  Sometimes I feel it's like when we are teenagers and want to be 21 and it seems to take 30 years to get there, and once there, we see 30 and 40 popping up on us in no time.  Time speeds up and it slows down, depending on the individual.  For me, it does not seem possible my child died 28 years ago.  And then I think, how have I got this far down the road?  I think about the years I couldn't control the tears.  I think about all the Holidays I have been so sad.  I think of what my life could have been like had he lived.  I think about the past, and I think about the future I missed out on.

So have I healed?  If someone can have a tragedy happen in their lives, and get past the pain and move on and forget what happened, I'd call that healed.  Therefore, I guess I have not healed.  I can't forget the past.  I can't forget the feeling of those little arms hugging my neck and those smoochy kisses when he'd say "I wuv you mom, forever and ever."  I can't forget the Christmas's and the happiness his little face showed when he got something he asked Santa for.  I can't forget his birthday.  And God knows, I can't forget the day he died.

I once never dreamed I'd live this long with a heart that was not whole anymore.  But somehow I have.  I never dreamed I'd be able to laugh and enjoy things in life again, but I have.  It's not been easy many times.  Matter of fact, it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to face.  But here I am.  This old heart is getting older by the year.  And yet.......I still have days it beats a little faster.  Days it still bleeds.  Days the scar opens up and will takes days to close back up temporarily. 

I live from day to day.  I never used to do that.  I used to plan months ahead, look forward to many things in life.  But today...when people say, "How are you?"  I reply, "I'm alive."  Some look at me oddly, and others say, "I know what you mean."

Even though I've seen it all, felt it all, and feel now I've survived it all so far, I am partially healed.  I know I will never heal totally.  And in ways, I don't think I want to.  I don't want to ever forget a certain little boy who brought so much love and happiness into my life.  I never want to forget the love I have always had for him.  I never want to forget anything about him.

So I will plug on.  On days when it gets hard and I feel like falling down and giving up, I will once again, pick myself up, put one foot in front of the other and tell myself, "You still have work to do."

Sharon Bryant

Andy's mom

www.angelsremembered.tk

Sharon Bryant

1946 @bellsouth.net

About Me:

 I am Sharon Bryant, 59 years old and reside in Alabama.

I lost my child in 1977 when he was five and I write
articles on bereavement often.

I am a chocolate/candy maker and also a wood crafter and knitter.

I am married to a wonderful man, and have two remaining children, a daughter 25,
Amy, and a second son, Randy, age 22.

My main goal in life is to help those who
have lost a child. My website is: www.angelsremembered.tk