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Special Treat ??“ For Fathers Day ??“ Jodi Lilly

June 21, 2005

Remembering My Dad On Fathers Day

Jodi Lilly

When I was a child, my mother didn??™t drive, so when I needed clothes for school or an occasion, it was my father who took me shopping. Since I have three younger brothers, those were about the only times he and I did anything alone together.

He was strict about what I could and couldn??™t wear. He was conservative and I was liberal and flamboyant in my choices. I wanted whatever was pretty, he wanted whatever was practical. Around and around we went in our debates about what he would agree to buy and what I would agree to wear. The shoe department was one place we could never agree. He always thought I should have a pair of black and white saddle shoes, which had been popular when he was younger but just looked old fashioned and unattractive to me. I wanted new black patent leather Mary Jane??™s. I was born loving clothes and detesting ugly shoes, and still loathe them; saddle shoes were on the top of my list of what not to wear. In the end, I would agree to a more practical shoe but never a saddle shoe, and he would agree to the Mary Jane??™s.    

When I was a teenager, my Junior High School was just a city block from my dad??™s office downtown, so often, I would stay around after school. My friends and I would go to the local drug store and order Coca Cola and French fries, sit and talk about our day and then go shopping for clothes. At least once a week I would find some article of clothing that was perfect for me and that I just had to have. Since my only income at the time was from occasionally babysitting for neighbors, my spending money was limited so I??™d walk over to my father??™s office and ask him for permission to buy this to-die-for item that was so beautiful and fit me perfectly, and of course, for the money to pay for it. The poor man didn??™t stand a chance. A few of his friends, whose desks were in easy hearing distance, and had seen this routine repeatedly, would chime in with me until he finally gave up and handed over the credit card or the cash.

As an adult I remember going home to visit my family when my second marriage was ending. I was feeling broken and horrible about myself and the bad choices I??™d made. My father had been driving a bus for a living, making regular runs within the state and guiding tours throughout the U.S. since the company at which he??™d worked for many years had been liquidated in the early ???70s, and was almost always gone whenever I arrived home from California to visit. He??™d always make a point of returning before I left but I normally didn??™t see him much. 

This time was different, for the first time he was at home waiting for me when I got there. He seemed to have finally realized that it was important to me that he be present, that I needed his steadying presence and love to get through this time. When I left my first marriage at age 20, my father was furious with me for giving up, telling me, ???In this family we don??™t get divorced!??? I retorted, ???I thought the point was for me to be happy, not for me to be married!??? We??™d fought bitterly in telephone calls and letters for months and finally stopped speaking altogether for a while. This time when I finally left my marriage a few months later it was with his full support.  

In 1998, I went back to Wisconsin for my youngest brother, Terry??™s wedding. I knew it was important to him and to my parents that I was there but I??™d been through another trying patch with my mother and knew that in order to be there I had to go whole heartedly and not with a lot of resentment toward anyone. I was finally able to get to a place of forgiveness with her and bought my ticket. The wedding was a grand affair. It was an amazing experience to be there and participate in all the festivities with my family. 

The morning after the wedding I called my brother??™s room at the motel at which we were staying to see if he wanted to go have breakfast with me before we left for the airport. He??™d been up drinking till the wee hours and told me he??™d pass and to call him when I got back to my room. I walked to the coffee shop and stood in the waiting area to be seated. Out of nowhere my father appeared and asked if I minded if he joined me. We sat and ate our breakfast, mine eggs and toast and his a cinnamon roll and coffee and talked about how lovely the wedding was and the people we??™d seen for the first time in ages and just how good it had been to have the whole family in the same place at the same time. Then he told me how much it meant to him and to my mother that I??™d been there. I told him I was happy I??™d made the trip and that, to me it was the best visit we??™d ever had. We parted company with warm hugs and I love you. I always look back at that morning and realize how blessed we were to have had that time, just the two of us. It turned out, it was the last time I saw my dad while he was living. 

Fathers Day

Jodi Lilly

It's Fathers Day here in the U. S. If you are a father, regardless of where you are, I salute you today. Fathers play such an enormous role in who a person becomes, whether through care or neglect. You shape us in ways no one else can. You influence how we see ourselves as no one else can. Regardless of who else comes into our lives or what other man or men play a special role in our lives, in the end it still comes down to you.

As a female, well into my adulthood, my father was the yardstick by which I judged every other man. And virtually all of them came up short. It wasn't that I thought my father was a perfect man, well, when I was a child I did, just that he held such a deep place in my heart; love and pain and misunderstanding all worked to carve my connection deeper with him than any other person I've known.

About 10 years ago, when we'd been estranged off and on for many years I started to notice that my dad quit judging me and started communicating with me. He started telling me the truth of how he felt. He listened to what I needed to say to him and although it hurt his feelings, rather than lash out to defend himself as he had in the past, he started just loving me. He held steady, proving, demonstrating at virtually every interaction that he was there, that he cared, that he'd never stopped loving me and that I could fall apart and lash out and fall down and he would still be there.

One day we were talking rather heatedly about something and I heard him take a breath and consciously choose to love me instead of argue with me or attempt to control me. I saw that there was nothing I could do that had ever or could ever change that and I began to relax and let myself receive his love. He taught me what love is at a time when I'd forgotten, before he passed away. That was his greatest gift to me.

I wish you all a lovely day with your family. If your dad is no longer with you, I wish you happy memories of the first man in your life.

Jodi Flesberg Lilly

lightinmotion @yahoo.com

Jodi Flesberg Lilly is a writer and intuitive astrologer living in San Ramon, CA.  She founded and leads the Creative Writers Network at www.Ryze.com (an online business networking site), as well as offering intuitive astrology readings, leading workshops, and teaching classes in spiritual and personal awareness.  To subscribe to her monthly Light In Motion, intuitive astrology newsletter please send an email to info@lightinmotion.net and write ???subscribe??? in the subject line.

lightinmotion@yahoo.com