Just a little explanation before reading this piece, in January I started a 42 day creative writing course.  All the wonderful new stuff you see coming from me has come because of this wonderful course.  At the time this piece was written, the course was coming to an end and I was wishing that it wouldn??™t.  Since then I started the course a second time around this June and so there will be more stories emanating from this series as well.

Meanderings of a Muse

Carol Roach

"I want to shine the light on my personal truth through my writing
today. I will share that since I no longer have a day job, I do my lesson the first thing in the morning. However, today I read the lesson but was just not able to do it. I found several excuses why I could not. I knew I was going out today curtailing the time that I had on the computer. Seems like a logical excuse doesn??™t it? But there was one central flaw, I did go on the computer and I chose to read email and other things which could have waited. Clearly I was avoiding the lesson. 

Now that begs the question, why was I avoiding a lesson when I love these lessons so much?  My personal truth is, subconsciously I was trying to avoid the inevitable. I was trying to avoid this course??™s termination; as if not doing the lesson would make this course continue.  Hence, the logic breaks down. Whether I choose to do or not do the lesson has no bearing on the fact that regrettably the course has to come to an end. 

I spoke to Maria this morning and she said perhaps I should write about my feelings, so voila here it is. My personal truth is that I don??™t want this course to end. But I know it will, and I know that it must, but nevertheless I don??™t want it to.

Today I spread my truth, the truth that this course has taught me so much.  It has improved my writing abilities. I learned what I set out to learn.  I replenished my soul. 42daysofwriting became a quiet friend; always there and always ready to hear my heart musings. It was there to encourage me to move forward when all I wanted to do was recoil into my shell. 

I came to realize I could write anything without being criticized, silenced, or censored. I could say ???I feel bad,??? and not have someone tell me I have no right to own those feelings. I was confident no one would dismiss them and say to me, ???no you don??™t feel bad you feel like this or that.??? I knew that when I say that I feel like ???crap??? that I would get back the response, ???I hear your pain, I feel like ???crap??? with you and you know what? It is okay.??? 

As a living breathing human being, I don??™t always want people to tell me what to do, to tell me that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or ask me why be sad when I could be happy etcetera. I am a very sensitive and intelligent woman and what I want is human understanding. When I am ???here in this place and time???, I don??™t always want to know that I should or could be ???over there.??? I know that I will get ???there??? when the time is right.  We all work to the thrum of our own inner clocks; we all dance to the tune of our own personal body rhythm. The people in 42daysofwriting felt the vibrations of the dance and danced along. They had no compelling need to change the choreography. The gift of unconditional acceptance is a gift that I have been searching for all my life.

It has been many years since I have been in an environment where there was so much unconditional acceptance. I know people mean well when they want to take you ???there??? when you are not ready. Sometimes it is not easy to know when to accept and when to give a gentle push. But 42daysofwriting has been so in tune with the universe, the people who are apart of this wonderful group just seemed to know by instinct. 

My personal truth is that timing is everything! Through this course I have experienced a major crisis; a job loss. I found that while dealing with the feelings of: disappointment, fear, rage, apathy, acceptance, peace, and joy, I was able to come to terms with all the flooding of emotions through my writing. I also learned a truth I did not know before. I am actually at my writing best when my soul is in deep despair. The negative can now be turned into a wonderful positive. I can write and my writing is good, so rich, so deep, and so heartfelt.

My personal truth is that this course did more than teach us how to write from the heart, it taught us how to live from the heart! Thus, it was a success through example not just words penned on paper. For me, the course became the effervescent cheerleader, urging me on, rooting for me as a player in my own private ball game. When I experienced a high the cheerleaders of this course jumped higher, when someone else experienced a high, I jumped with them. 

My private backyard game opened up and suddenly we were in an enormous ballpark, televised by the satellites of thoughts transcending the universe and beyond. The great game was being played and the muses were winning. We all watched each play by play: the strikeouts, the saves, the homeruns, we all cheered on. No one stole base, we all earned it by hard work, skill, and dedication. 

My personal truth is that being part of this winning team has been a most favourable experience, and I am greedy, I do not want to let it go. But I know that we all can pat ourselves on the back and say, ???well done, team player.???  And now as we end this course together, we have the strength and fortitude to carry on our writing mission. We have the talent and ability to become the managers of our own favourite sport. We can pass on our personal truths with the skill that only writers and teachers can. We will   mentor others and spread the love, the kindness, and the wonder of our craft to the world.