STORYTIME TAPESTRY

The Newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness throughout the world

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Special Treat ??“ Carol Roach

July 30, 2005? 

? Because I Am Worth It

Carol Roach

Even before the day I was even born, I was rejected. My parents were not married. My mom was willing to give me up for adoption. My father took me home to his mother to raise as her grandchild. I was again rejected when he married another woman and forgot I existed.

All my life I was rejected by one group of people or another. I was always different. Furthermore I was so shy nobody realized I was even there in the room and occupying the same space as they did.

In elementary school I was rejected because I was fat. Very few people wanted to play with the fat girl. Later the same issue arose when I was a teenager facing the prospects of dating.

My own mother always compared me to my sister stating such things as,

???Why you don??™t you fix your hair like Linda does."

She failed to realize the most crucial truth, I was not Linda. I was me. But who was I? I had no identity. In school I was not Carol, I was the fat girl, and at home I was not as good as Linda. No one cared to find out who I was. No one wanted to get to know me.

Over the years these feelings added to my isolation and my lack of a sense of self. I started developing a sense of self when I decided to go onto college, a concept relatively unheard of in my ghetto community.

Though my self esteem was developing it certainly had not matured. I enjoyed learning; the downside was I was again rejected by peers who now took the stance that I felt I was better than them because I had an education.

The realization of how my friends felt about me pierced my heart like a sword. Until this day I cannot stand to be misunderstood. But at that point in my life, when I was in my 20??™s, I had built up enough self esteem to know I would not play ignorant for anyone just so I could belong. Giving up who I was, after working so hard to find out, was not worth sacrificing to these so called friends. This time it was I who chose to leave the group on my terms ??“accept me for who I am, or don??™t accept me at all, either way is fine by me.

During this time I also went through a very painful divorce. On the one hand, my self esteem was growing and on the other hand, it was declining rapidly. As result, the only truth I owned was that I was an intelligent woman. I could not even say I was a good woman, for what good woman would divorce her husband?

It was very hard in those days as a single parent carrying the blame of a failed marriage on my shoulders. Whenever I tried to explain to someone they did not understand. They did not want to listen. They had their own version of what happened including ???I drove my husband crazy.???

These words were among the cruelest ever said to me during the 50 years of my existence on this planet. I learned to hold my feelings inside because no one wanted to listen.

After the divorce I had to quit my job. I could not afford babysitting fees and pay the rent as well. I also quit because of what was happening at the workplace. Suffice to say I couldn??™t handle the stress. I remained out of work for two years. I did not feel capable of working. I felt useless, incompetent, and good-for-nothing. What employer would want me?

Finally, after the two years were over and I had some excellent personal relations courses under my belt, I decided to stick my head out and test the waters of the working world. However, I did not do it on my own.

I took part in a government program that assisted in getting people back into the work force. They found a position for me in the insurance industry since I had worked in that area before. It wasn??™t the work I was used to. I had worked in life insurance and this was general insurance but nevertheless I decided to give it a try.

A criterion of this internship was to study the insurance bureau??™s required courses for certification. I took the first course and passed it with honours.

It was time to sign up for the next course. These courses would first be paid by the brokerage firm I worked for and then reimbursed by the government. Each day I had a training session with an agent of the company.

On one particular day while I was having the session, we were talking about which area of the insurance industry would be covered next when the ???big boss???, a crotchety old man of a different culture and religion came into Pierre??™s office. He looked at Pierre, ignored me completely and spoke as if I was not even in the room. He said to him.

???And why should I pay for her to take this course!???

The room went silent and then Pierre answered. I was still ignored when he walked out the room. I felt so insulted, so little, I was again a non-person, totally ignored. My past flashed before my eyes. The question was not addressed to me, my feelings didn??™t count, and I didn??™t count.

Yet I could not say anything. My upbringing was such that I had to respect my elders, and speak when I am spoken to. This man, my boss, did not address me personally. It would have been rude for me to answer him.

When he left the office I was in a state of panic. Pierre told me not to worry about it. Mr. Finestone knew very well he was paying for the course. It was all decided long before I came to the company to intern. I still could not understand. Why ask it if you already knew the answer?

I was still very upset when I went home. I called a close friend to help me work through my pain. My friend, a man twenty years my senior, listened to me and responded,

???Carol, I have worked for Jews all my life. Did the thought ever occur to you this incident could be an example of a cultural difference? Do you think that your boss may have been trying to pay you a compliment?

By this time Ray had me totally confused. How could belittling me in front of Pierre be a compliment? I just could not understand. Ray explained when Mr. Finestone, who obviously had agreed to pay for the course in the first place and was notified that I had passed the first one with honours, asked the question, he expected me to take a very cultural Montreal Jewish approach and to respond, ???Because I am worth it!??? To which he would respond with something like ???Well then that is money well spent.???

Neither Pierre nor I understood that kind of Jewish assertiveness, and did not respond in the fashion he expected so he left the room with a very clinical answer from Pierre, and not one word out of me.

I still had my doubts but I had to admit Ray worked with Montreal Jews all his life and this was my first experience.

Just last week I brought the story up to my present life partner, who is Jewish himself. He laughed at the story and said, ???I can see that happening, Ray was probably right.???

I guarantee if I was going through this same experience today at 50-years-old, Mr. Finestone would have had a very different reaction from me!

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Carol Roach

winterose@videotron.ca

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A Native of Montreal, Quebec, Carol is a graduate of Concordia, and McGill University.?  She holds a bachelor in psychology and a Masters in counselling psychology.?  Carol Roach is a published writer and newsletter editor.?  You can purchase her book: Picking up the Pieces: A Woman's Journey at www.publishamerica.com, or www.amazon.com.?  You can also go to your local bookstore and order it there as well.?  Carol??™s second book: Angels Watching Over Me is soon to be released by White Schooner Books ??“ details to follow. ? 

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If you are interested in other stories feel free to join her newsletter: Storytime Tapestry at: http://subs.zinester.com/98907 , or email her directly at winterose@videotron.ca and she will be glad to accommodate you.?  Carol enjoys email and responds to every inquiry.

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