STORYTIME TAPESTRY

The Newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness throughout the world

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Special Treat ??“ Carol Roach

Sept 16, 2005? 

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Unsettling Feelings

Carol Roach

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It is the first time in my life that I have felt truly centered. It is the first time in my life I feel in harmony with the universe. However, lately I have been feeling rather nervous and jumpy. My emotions are out of control.?  These feelings are very unsettling for me since I have been at peace for a while now. I am going through a minor setback.?  I know it is temporary. I am not the same insecure person I was back in January.?  I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am a stronger person, a generally happier person and a more confident person then ever before.

Yet, I am sitting here dealing with these mixed emotions. I am not really sure why they are now surfacing. Sometimes I am very angry and other times I am disappointed and hurt. Of course situations trigger reactions, but why have these reactions now?? 

I do not believe the reasons for these negative feelings are external. I do not believe the devil is putting temptations in my way.?  I do not believe there is a grand conspiracy designed to see me fail. But I do believe certain individuals are not right for me in this particular period of my life. My assessment is not based on the assumption they are bad people out to get me, but is based on the knowledge that my ego is very volatile and still very much in need of supportive and nurturing people who will help me along my path of self actualization.

I know I cannot control the behaviours of others. I can only control my own.?  I cannot make people like me nor can I make them appreciate my work, my art, my passion, my writing, or any other part of who I am.?  I learned long ago to change the things that I do not like about myself, not the things others do not like about me. The bottom line is that I have to like me. I spent most of my life pleasing others.?  I did what they wanted me to do. I sacrificed myself and my desires to please others. I cannot do that anymore.

I am no longer that person. I do what my heart and soul demand of me; regardless of how others feel about it. In the end, if I do not heed my calling, it is I who will suffer the consequences. It is I who will live with the broken dreams.

I will never again succumb to negative feedback.?  I will never again allow my spirit to be broken because of another. The power is within me. My path in life will not be that of another. My journey is personal, a road that can be traveled only by me.?  I may invite companionship along the way, in fact I very much desire it, but it is understood this is my personal journey not theirs. I will not allow anyone to block the road ahead of me or try to direct me onto another course. My course is dictated by my heart, my soul, my mind, and my creator.?  My road is the road of a published author. There is a burning desire in me to write, and although I am not a Shakespeare, Faulkner, or Steinbeck, I am an author and I have a message, I have a style, and I have a direction and a goal.

I have done quite a bit of introspection about these unsettling feelings. I analyzed my reactions to these negative comments transmitted by others and I have considered the source.?  I do not feel I reacted out of a false sense of pride.?  I do not feel that I rejected these comments and opinions because I feel my work is beyond reproach.?  I am an artist, I must create my dreams, but at the same time I am a professional and will use all the constructive feedback necessary to refine my skills. I, like anyone else who is self actualizing, must be the best that I can be. To settle for anything less would be harmful and a waste of my God given talent.? ? 

I have also come to the conclusion that since I am in a very vulnerable state at this point in time, evidenced by these unsettling feelings, I must not allow negative influences in my life. I must protect the core of my being. Again this is covert reaction to an overt situation. It is not to be thought of as blaming anyone. It is simply a protection for me. I must remain true to who I am without external interference.?  I am a creative writer branching into the area of fiction writing which goes by a different set of rules and expectations.

Part of my self actualizing has been studying about the positive forces of the universe. If I want positive forces in my life I must associate with positive forces as well. I will no longer allow negative forces within my personal orb. I no longer want to think negatively about myself, or my work, and I do not want to send negative vibrations into the world.?  Living positive energy in a happy healthy environment will make me a better person and create a ripple effect sending love and positive feelings to all the people I love and admire. It will also help me to reach the hearts and souls of others who are yet to hear my words.

I do not doubt for a moment that these unsettling feelings will once again dissipate and I will return to the new centered person I have become.?  I have the power and I know how to make it happen.

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Carol Roach

winterose@videotron.ca

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A Native of Montreal, Quebec, Carol is a graduate of Concordia, and McGill University.?  She holds a bachelor in psychology and a Masters in counselling psychology.?  Carol Roach is a published writer and newsletter editor.?  You can purchase her book: Picking up the Pieces: A Woman's Journey at www.publishamerica.com, or www.amazon.com.?  You can also go to your local bookstore and order it there as well.?  Carol??™s second book: Angels Watching Over is currently looking for a home. Stay tuned for details. ? 

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If you are interested in other stories feel free to join her newsletter: Storytime Tapestry at: http://subs.zinester.com/98907 , or email her directly at winterose@videotron.ca and she will be glad to accommodate you.?  Carol enjoys email and responds to every inquiry.

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