STORYTIME TAPESTRY

Deepak Morris??™s Weekly Column

 East Meets West

Sept 22, 2005

To continue with my vision of a world tapestry of love and understanding of cultural values throughout the world, every Thursday we will be graced by the artistic vision of Mr. Deepak Morris, a wonderful playwright and friend from Prune, India. 

His plays have been preformed in front of audiences in Toronto, Canada

3 Funerals

By Deepak Morris

Copyright ?© Deepak Morris 2003

Deepak comes on, shirt open to navel, wearing jeans, Reeboks, gold chain around neck. Kneels. When he speaks, it is with a typical Bandra accent, the soft ???d??? sound coming as a hard ???d??? and the ???th??? sound as a ???t???

Deepak           Bless me, Faddur, for I have sinned. It is tree years since my last confession. Yes, I know dat is a sin too. Sorry Faddur??¦ but I wan??™ to confess to a bigger sin dan dat??¦ may I sit down? It will take long??¦ T??™ank you Faddur (sits) You see Faddur, my sin is dat I don??™t believe in funerals any more. I t??™ink dey are a waste of time. Why I t??™ink this way? I??™ll tell to you. I attended tree funerals recently and dey was a big mess (pause)

                        De fust funeral was of my faddur. I was in Dubai dat time when he died. You know Faddur, to make some money. Anyway, I got de phone call at five o??™clock in de morning and dey tole me my faddur was dead. Dey were keeping de body in de morgue till I could come for de funeral. So I took leave and I flew to Bombay. My faddur died in Bombay. We went to de morgue to collect de body and bring it to Poona for de funeral. At de morgue dey were treating de body so badly faddur??¦ den de undertaker came with de coffin and I saw he had spelled my faddur??™s name wrong. When I tole him he tried to tell me I didn??™t know how to spell my faddur??™s name. Can you imagine? A stranger man was telling to me how to spell my own faddur??™s name. Den I said ???No you have to spell it de way I say it??? and he looked at me and said ???You have come from Gulf, no? It will cost you money to change de name??? So I paid him. Den de ambulance man told to me dat we could not transport de body widout police clearance and dat would only come if we embalmed de body. So we went to anodder one morgue where dey do embalming. And dere how dey treated de body Faddur (shudders) Dey kept de body on de bare floor??¦ and??¦ and??¦ (shudders, then composes himself) Den when dey finished dey put de body back in de coffin. Two men held de pant legs and two men held the coat sleeves and dey dumped him in de coffin. Den dey came to me and asked for tip and said dey had treated de body so well and I t??™ought to myself in my mind ???If dat is how dey treat a body well den what dey must be doing when dey treat it badly???? Anyway I gave dem de tip and den we came to Poona

                        Den when we reached Poona de undertaker in Poona said dat dey don??™t have a hearse. So we took turns and carried de coffin to de graveyard. At de graveyard de priest started saying dat my faddur was not a regular churchgoer so I gave him a donation and den he said de service. Den afterwards my uncle got angry because I gave de gardener 100 rupees tip to take care of de grave. He said dat was too much and now de gardener would not take care of his wife??™s grave because I gave him so much to take care of my faddur??™s grave. Anyway we sorted all dat out and dat was de end of dat funeral. (Pause)

                        De next funeral was of my Aunty. She died in de night and we had to keep de body at home because her daughter didn??™t want to keep it in de morgue. So we put lots of ice and some old ladies came and dey started praying. And den my anodder uncle came. And he started asking about my Auntie??™s jewelry. He said dat his mudder had given her own jewelry to my Auntie when she died and now it must come to his wife. Den we told to him we didn??™t know about any jewelry. My Auntie was a pore lady and didn??™t have any jewelry. And den he started talking about his son and said dat his son was a big gangster. I don??™t know why he said dat, Faddur. Maybe for de jewelry, I don??™t know. Anyway he talked all night about his sons and how dey put fear into everybody. I was praying dat god would put fear into him so de pore ole ladies could pray in peace over de body.

                        Next day we called a priest who was a family friend to pray over de body. When he was praying de Parish Priest came and got angry. He said it was his right to pray over de body. And de family friend priest got angry and said, ???I prayed. Now you pray and let God decide whose prayer he wants to hear??? And den dey buried her. (Pause)

                        But de last funeral was really bad, Faddur. It was of my anodder one uncle??™s mudrinlaw. She died in de ole folks??™ home you know and dey said de mass dere on??™y. I was working so I could on??™y go to de graveyard when it was time to bury her. Anyway when I went dere de priest was not dere to say de final prayer and de undertaker he said dey can??™t put de body in till de priest he says de final prayer. So my uncle he sent his son to call de priest. When my cousin-auntie heard dat, she said why you didn??™t send my son??¦ he knows de faddur better. And my udder uncle he said if we sent his son he??™d bring de faddur wid a sword at his t??™roat. Anyway de fust uncles son he came back an??™ he said dat de faddur was not opening de door because he was drunk at 4 o??™clock in the afternoon. An??™ den all de uncles and de cousins and udders wanted to send dere sons to bring de faddur an??™ each one was saying how dere son had more muscle power.

                        But den de faddur came an??™ he was very angry. He said de priest who said de mass at de ole folks??™ home should of said de final prayer also. One ole man from de ole folks??™ home he tole de faddur sorry for de mistake. Den my uncle he got very angry an??™ he said dat dere was no mistake an??™ it was dis faddur??™s dooty to say de final prayer an??™ if he didn??™t say it he??™d keep de body in de faddur??™s room and stink it up. So I calmed him down an??™ I tole him de poor ole lady shouldn??™t suffer ???cause de faddur was drunk and he calmed down an??™ we finally buried de pore ole lady.

                        So you see faddur, funerals just give an excuse for peoples to fight and make money so I have no respect for funerals. So tell my penance fast, faddur, because my neighbour died and I have to go an??™ knock out his drunk son because he won??™t let de priest say de final prayer.

Deepak finishes his piece.

Deepak Morris

rhapword@yahoo.com

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Founder of Rhapsody Theatre, author, playwright,
actor and director Deepak Morris has been
associated with Theatre and Communication all
his life. A Master of Commerce from Pune
University, Master's Diploma holder in
Management from The Institute of Management
Development and Research (IMDR), Pune, and
Diploma holder in Computer Studies from the
National Computing Centre, UK, Deepak
combines a passion for theatre with professional management techniques
to deliver consistently well staged theatrical
performances. An accomplished actor himself,
Deepak has won numerous awards for acting and
debating, including the "Best Actor" award at
the International Year of the Youth Drama
Festival in Pune and the "Best Male Newcomer
Award" in 1997 in Dubai, U.A.E. Having acted
in numerous productions in India and Dubai,
Deepak began writing and directing his own
plays on a regular basis in March 2001. To
date, he has written several one-act plays
and skits and his group, Rhapsody Theatre,
has staged no less than 13 plays in three
years, a record of sorts.

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