STORYTIME TAPESTRY

The Newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness throughout the world

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Special Treat ??“ Carol Roach

Oct 28, 2005? 

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Incongruent Words And Actions

Carol Roach

I just had an ah-ha moment, a revelation of sorts.?  You see I started out in life as a person who was not heard; invisible to the world.?  No one cared what my opinions were and when I did have the chance to express them; I was ignored, ridiculed, or simply not taken seriously.?  At first I went through a period where I felt I did not have anything of value to contribute. Then the pendulum shifted and I became insistent on people hearing what I had to say regardless of whether they wanted to or not.

I argued my point with all the passion within me.?  I truly believed I was right.?  The trouble was, when you are so right, if the person you are conversing with disagrees with you, they by process of elimination have to be so wrong.?  At least that is how I saw the world.?  I argued my point to death. I would not let up until the other person agreed.?  You see I had to be right. There was just no other way!

It worked well for me in some situations. As an advocate for the poor and the families of juvenile delinquents I was valued as a mover and shaker; a person who could get things done sometimes simply through the sheer force of my convictions.?  But it backfired on me in other situations as well.?  My friends told me they hated to discuss things with me because it was as if I had this burning need to win every argument.?  I scoffed it off and reasoned that I just knew how to debate whereas they didn??™t.?  They were afraid of confrontation, whereas I was not.

During my graduate program in Counselling Psychology, I was told my aggressive style was not congruent with the program??™s objectives.?  In my internship I continued to argue the point.?  When people stopped discussing the issues, I took silence to mean that I had made my point.?  My supervisor disagreed.?  He said the other therapists stopped only because I left no room for a different point of view.

The proverbial light bulb had finally gone off and I had to sit back and think if this was in fact accurate.?  At the same time as my internship, I was taking a feminist psychology course. I learned from the course what would later become my philosophy of life.?  I learned the world is made up of many voices. All these voices are essential to the tapestry of understanding; to the human mosaic.?  I learned my opinion did not have to mean that I had to be right and in order to do so; the other person had to be wrong. I learned that we all could be right and with each new voice a new dimension of the tapestry of human understanding was woven. A deeper and richer understanding of human nature would materialize.

This new philosophy liberated me.?  I learned to be more accepting of others and more tolerant of their views.?  Of course it did not mean I had to accept their views as my own, but I could respect their views nevertheless.

As a result, I do not try to force my views on others and I do not appreciate when they try to force their views on me.?  If I find that a discussion becomes circular and there really is no meeting of the minds, I simple choose not to debate any further.? 

I belong to a writer??™s forum where of late it seems to be that everyone wants to be right.?  Normally I skim through these messages and go onto to something more pleasant.?  I hadn??™t realized I how much of an impact the petty arguments and vying for status of having the ultimate truth had affected me.

I had a telephone conversation with a friend today.?  I found myself disagreeing with her point of view on the topic of volunteer work.?  I began expressing my point of view. ? In the middle of my response, she interjected with a comment which clearly meant she either did not understand or did not agree with what I was saying.?  I said in a very powerful and commanding voice, ???I want you to listen.??? She became silent and I finished what I had to say.?  She did not continue the discussion any further and I realized she had stopped because I laid down the law, I had the ultimate truth.?  No further discussion was necessary.? 

After I got off the phone, I did not feel good about the way the conversation had ended.?  I did not want to disrespect her point of view.?  I did not want to come across as I had the ultimate truth. Yet I had taken control of that situation.? 

According to Dr. Phil, whom I appreciate very much, (I received the very same training at McGill) in this case, control is simply a manifestation of insecurity.?  I had to ask myself why it was so important for me to be right.?  Was I losing it??  Was it the inner child in me begging to be recognized; begging to be accepted? Why wasn??™t the fact that she is my friend acceptance enough??  Why did she have to agree with every word I said??  The answer is obvious to most, but not to the person experiencing it.?  It is truly because of insecurity.? 

I used to be insecure. I am not anymore.?  As a result, it is time for me to go back to making my actions and my thoughts congruent with each other. Furthermore, it wouldn??™t be a bad idea for everyone to do this reality check.?  Every once in a while reevaluate your belief system.?  Is what you believe and how you carry out your life congruent with each other; if not why not?

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Carol Roach

winterose@videotron.ca

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A Native of Montreal, Quebec, Carol is a graduate of Concordia, and McGill University.?  She holds a bachelor in psychology and a Masters in counselling psychology.?  Carol Roach is a published writer and newsletter editor.?  You can purchase her book: Picking up the Pieces: A Woman's Journey at www.publishamerica.com, or www.amazon.com.?  You can also go to your local bookstore and order it there as well.?  Carol??™s second book: Angels Watching Over is currently looking for a home. Stay tuned for details. ? 

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If you are interested in other stories feel free to join her newsletter: Storytime Tapestry at: http://subs.zinester.com/98907 , or email her directly at winterose@videotron.ca and she will be glad to accommodate you.?  Carol enjoys email and responds to every inquiry.

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