STORYTIME TAPESTRY

The Newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness throughout the world

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Special Treat ??“ Beverly Murrelle

Nov 14, 2005? 

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? Today we welcome another new member, Beverly Murrelle, writer # 262, for Storytime Tapestry.?  Please welcome her in the true Storytime Tapestry way!

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You Never Can Have Too Many Flashlights

August 20, 2005

?©Beverly Murrelle

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Almost two weeks ago my dad realized he needed a flashlight. He decided aloud, ???Bev, I need that flashlight now. Will you run over to Wal-Mart and get it for me? While you??™re there, get one for you and one for your mother. I??™ve never known either one of you to have a flashlight. You can never have too many flashlights.???

As Daddy was making these remarks, my Mother and I just sat there looking at each other, the reason being that Daddy has a gazillion flashlights stored in every nook and cranny. He says they don??™t work. Of course, they don??™t work. There are no batteries in the house, garage, cars??¦wherever. We??™d have to sell some stock to pay for batteries needed for all of Daddy??™s flashlights. Nevertheless, Daddy??™s slowly dying of cancer, so I want to fulfill his every wish. Off to Wal-Mart I go.

When I return home, I show my Dad the purchase??”a red one, a yellow one, and a green one. ???Daddy, which one do you want???? Daddy??™s become rather generous in his old age. Normally, he would have grabbed the one he wanted, but this time he replied, ???You decide which you want.??? ???No, Daddy, you make this choice.???

???Okay, I??™ve never had a yellow flashlight. All mine are red, silver, and black. I??™ll take the yellow one.??? He added, ???Yellow is a good color, you know. It lifts our spirits, don??™t you think? Yep, give me the yellow one.??? I didn??™t ask Daddy to decide for Mother and me. He did that all by himself. He said, ???You take the red one and give your mother the green one.??? He reached in his pocket to pay me. I said, ???No, Daddy, for once in your life, let me take care of the flashlights. I??™ve already paid for them anyway.??? Finally, after a little more to-do, he relinquished.

During our flashlight conversation, Daddy was sitting in his recliner. Tiring easily he decides he wants us to help him into his hospital bed. Mother and I walked Daddy down the hall to his bed that Hospice brought to him. He fell into a deep sleep and awakened with a grin, remembering his yellow flashlight. I had never known Daddy to be so grateful for such a small gift. He said, ???Thanks again for my flashlight.??? I squeezed his hand, smiled at this wonderful man, and said, ???You are more than welcome.???

The next two weeks are growing more difficult for my family and me. Like everyone else, we hate cancer. Once a robust man, Daddy is down to 100 pounds. He relentlessly takes doctor??™s orders in stride. He drinks several bottles of Ensure a day. Practically every minute of time is now spent by Daddy??™s bedside, for him, for my mother, daughter and I, and just in case he wants another Ensure.

It was 10:15 pm on Wednesday, August 9th. After I dressed for bed, my mother put on her pajamas, and my daughter, Kim, hopped into her nightshirt while I sat with Daddy. I whispered, ???Daddy, if you love me as much as I love you, squeeze my hand.??? Needless to say, that was the most beautiful hand squeeze I??™ve received in my lifetime.

As I sit alongside Daddy, about 10:30 I notice his skin color changing to a grayish appearance, but he is breathing. I quickly call Kim and my mother to Daddy??™s bedside. Kim said, ???Quick, check Papa??™s blood pressure.??? I quickly grabbed the blood pressure monitor and wrapped it around Daddy??™s arm.?  Next I pressed the ???start??? button to register the pressure and pulse rate. ???Oh, God,??? I moaned while witnessing a visual I shall never forget. The monitor read, "0".

Time stood still, as my Mother, Kim, and I grieved in each other??™s arms. No doubt Daddy had moved to the other side. In a few brief moments it occurred to us that it was time to follow the final directions Hospice had given us.?  We called them.?  They immediately came to the house and then called the funeral home.

In the beginning I cried, but for the next few days I became rather stoic??”in shock, I guess. I cried a little, but I was in need of a giant cry.?  I couldn??™t seem to move the tears from the inside to the outside. All I could feel was emptiness. Finally, I realized it to be true what people had been telling me??¦ ???We are never ready for ???it??™ when ???it??™ happens.??? I pondered, ???Oh, if I could just cry a real cry.???

We said our farewells to Daddy in a lovely service.?  It is not long that we become aware that life goes on. Everyone has now returned to their homes, their jobs, and to their weekly routines. But our house is different. It's empty. Daddy??™s empty recliner impels my void. The empty bed quickens my Mother??™s grief. The empty chair at the dinner table moves meals in the family room for now. My daughter's pain is mushroomed as she ponders through the bay window, scrutinizing the empty bird feeder. Kim cries. Mother cries. My cry doesn??™t fit into the puzzle as the need for more tears engulf me. I grieve inside, alone. I said aloud, "God, help me to cry out some of this stuff."? 

We awaken the next morning and my mother does not feel well. ???Weakness,??? she said. I make her bed and straighten her bedroom. While doing so, I spot Daddy??™s reading glasses on the nightstand. When I opened the drawer to place the glasses in it, there set Daddy??™s yellow flashlight. First I stood paralyzed, unable to move. Then I picked up the flashlight and squeezed it like Daddy squeezed my hand only fifteen minutes before he died. Oh, my--the much needed tears, the sobs, the sorrow. Movement branches into another aspect of grief -- a touch of light, of cleansing through tears.

Finally??¦finally, there were enough tears to later wonder with a glimpse of hope. Is there a bright side to all this? You bet there is. I have two flashlights ??“ a red one, and Daddy??™s yellow one. I know today that Daddy walks in a new light??”-a light that frees him from pain??”-a light that shines bright upon his new and healthy life??”-a light that lifts him up from all suffering??”a light that has returned a smile of joy to his face??”a light that shines with the moon and with the stars.?  Daddy has been recharged with new joy that will last for eternity.?  No more batteries will be needed.

Just last night I drifted outside to ???sit still??? on the patio. I gazed upward at the spectacular moon and our God-given stars sparkling brightly for all of us. I smiled through tears with thoughts of my wonderful Daddy. What a man! What a man, indeed!

Oh, but what will I do on cloudy evenings, or when finding myself in darkness? ? There??™s a simple answer to such a question. I now have flashlights. Through God, Daddy left us with light everywhere.?  All we need do is use it. You never can have too many flashlights, you know. ? 

Bev2529@aol.com

Bio:?  Beverly lives in North Carolina, between the mountains and the seashore. She is a people-person and a lover of all animals.? Throughout Beverly's 60 years of life, she has never gone more than a few months without a dog.?  Beverly is retired from the United States Marshals Service. She loves? reading, playing bridge, painting, walking, and last but not least, family and friends.

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