When Needy People Become Controlling

Carol Roach, M.Ed

I was the membership director of a single parents organization. I became the first contact many of the new candidates for membership had with the association. I did the paperwork. Another part of my job, the part that I actually incorporated into the job myself, was to make people feel comfortable. I listened to their personal stories and their fears and expectations about the association. I provided as much of a comfort zone as one person could possibly do.

One year an Iranian refugee came to the organization. He was a widower with a 15-year-old son. His wife was mysteriously run over by an ambulance in their home country, during the time of the Ayatollah Komani. He believed the government was behind it. He fled Iran and came to Canada.

Being so new to the country, he was yet to make friends and thought he would start with the single parent organization.

I knew what is it to be lonely, as I suspect most of you do. I spent quite a bit of time talking to him over the phone. I gave him a lot of attention which perhaps he interpreted to mean other things. Never once did I lead him on to believe I wanted a romantic involvement with him. I was doing my job as a human being to help make his transition to his new country as comfortable as possible.

He started to take on some very possessive characteristics; in turn, he became quite demanding. The more attention I gave him, the more he wanted. It was never enough. He seemed to resent that I did not give him my full attention. I had a young son and he wanted to tag along everywhere with us. I explained that I had my own personal friends, as well as my duties as a membership director. It was apparent he wanted more than a friendship. I once again reiterated how there would be nothing physical between us. He was not my type. Furthermore I was not looking for a boyfriend at that point in my life.

We spoke a few times about his controlling nature and how it was not going to work with me. I considered him as a friend. I did not do anything for him that I would not have done for anyone else. ? ? I was happy to have my friends helping me when I was lonely, now I offered the same kindness to him. He was not to consider it as a pledge of my undying love, that we were a couple, or take it out of context in anyway.

I started to feel uncomfortable with the situation and wondered if I had made a mistake by befriending him. It was okay to call me once a night, but he was calling several times each evening. He was starting to get on my nerves. ? ? ? His demanding nature irked me. It was as if he expected me to stop whatever I was doing and just talk to him.

One night he called just in the middle of dinner. I told him I would him call back after I had finished eating and washing the dishes. This was about 6 pm. However, before I had a chance to get back to him, at about 7 pm, the phone rang. It was a female friend of mind, so of course we start talking. At 7:15, he called for the second time to ask me if I finished with supper. I explained the situation and promised that I would call him back.

Just as I finished up with that call, another one came in. This new call was from a friend I hadn't heard from in awhile and we needed to catch up. At 8 pm he called for the third time. I told him I was still talking to a friend and that I haven't forgotten about him. Again, I promised I would get back to him.

He appeared to be angry, demanding to know what was so important that I had to talk about. I let him know that it was no concern of his. Suffice to say that I gave him my word and at the first opportunity I had, I would call him back.

???You know I go to bed at 10 pm,??? he responded.

???I am well aware of that. You will get a call before 9:30, I promised.???

I figured by giving him the time frame, it should be enough, but apparently it wasn??™t. At 8:30 pm, he called yet again, to ask me if I am still on the phone.

???Yes, I was still on the phone with my friend and we are still catching up.???

I was annoyed.?  I don??™t know if he was just sitting by the phone and staring at it while waiting on my call or not, but this behaviour was well out of hand. By this time he had worn my patience thin. It was the forth call since 6 pm. He literally demanded too much of me.

I let him know in no uncertain terms how he was too controlling and my life did not revolve around him. I had been more than nice to him, extending much of my time because he was lonely, but to infringe upon my life and to tell me how long I am to talk on the phone with other people was where I drew the line.

He was told that we would see each other at functions. There would be no further personal correspondence between us.

The last time I saw him, he was talking to another woman. She looked very distressed. I can only imagine what he was putting her through.

Carol Roach

winterose@videotron.ca

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A Native of Montreal, Quebec, Carol is a graduate of Concordia, and McGill University.?  She holds a bachelor in psychology and a Masters in counselling psychology.?  Carol Roach is a published writer and newsletter editor.?  You can purchase her book: Picking up the Pieces: A Woman's Journey at www.publishamerica.com, or www.amazon.com.?  You can also go to your local bookstore and order it there as well.?  Carol??™s second book: Angels Watching Over is currently looking for a home. Stay tuned for details.? 

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If you are interested in other stories feel free to join her newsletter: Storytime Tapestry at: http://subs.zinester.com/98907 , or email her directly at winterose@videotron.ca and she will be glad to accommodate you.?  Carol enjoys email and responds to every inquiry.

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