STORYTIME TAPESTRY

The Newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness throughout the world

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Special Treat ??“ From Me!

Jan 31, 2006

? A Time To Let Go

Carol Roach, M.Ed

Many times people come into our lives and their intentions are not always good. Other times, their intentions may be good, but we find that we are almost always miserable in their company. We feel guilty when we find ourselves making excuses for not interacting with them.

In my opinion, it is our own survival mechanism unconsciously warning us that these particular relationships are toxic and therefore very detrimental to the core of our most precious being. We do need to treat everyone with respect and human kindness, but not everyone has to be, or should be our close personal friend. We do not have to befriend everyone to think of ourselves as good people. All in all I believe that you have rid the people in your life that are causing emotional distress if you feel it is primarily coming from their side. Sometimes some people you will choose not to let go of and that is fine.?  Most of the time these people fall into to the category of family, but the people who fall into the category of friends, think about it, are they really your friends when they cause you so much emotional pain?

? I work within a guideline to decide when to let go. Part of my decision process is to take a cold hard look at the part I play in this seemingly toxic relationship. I believe it is important for everyone to look at his/her own behaviour in the process, so I scrutinize my own.

The major player in our own life drama is us, regardless of who else comes into play. What you do or do not do, effects every interpersonal relationship you have. Bottom line we cannot change others we can only change ourselves, when the situation presents itself.

A situation presented itself in a discussion with friends. With the facts I had at the time, I responded in kind. I later found that the story had been distorted, but my response to the situation nevertheless illustrates how I feel.

A friend had reported that she often gives much of her time to help people. Oftentimes, this help is not appreciated and she felt her efforts were in vain. Somewhere along the information line the idea was planted that she spent 25 hours sometimes researching the proper solution for the people who have asked for help (this turned out to be a distortion, but the principle of spending a lot of time to help people remains in tact).

I think that most people would agree that 25 hours of researching something is a long time. My question in determining behaviour was; did these people ask you to spend 25 hours to research?

My personal feeling was probably not. My take on the situation was that it was her choice and although very noble on her part, the important thing to realize was that it was not their shtick, it was hers. I am using this personal example as I feel it is a great learning tool for all of us. As I said before, the situation was not how it was presented, but for the purpose of learning we will continue with that assumption.

It is not uncommon for us to feel hurt because we invest a great deal of time to help someone who does not seem appreciative. But first we must determine whose decision was it to spend so much time on this help? Being the key player in our own life, we opted to spend 25 hours. Do the recipients appreciate that we spent 25 hours, maybe, maybe not.

Their reaction to this news could range from ???wow you spent 25 hours just for me,??? in which case we get personal satisfaction from the statement, or it could be, ???I never asked you to spend 25 hours that was your choice.??? Though it sounds hard, cold, and cruel, it is the truth; they never asked us. It was our decision and based on our decision we wanted to feel appreciated.

What we need to understand here is that since they did not ask for 25 hours of researching the solution to their issues, it is not their responsibility to accept the blame.

When asking for help most people consider the answer given and not how much back ground time it took to come up with that answer. The common reaction from people let??™s say, who may go to a psychologist they did not find very helpful would be, so ???you spent 7 years to train for your profession; you have not answered my need. Your solution doesn??™t work for me, so in this particular situation, your training becomes moot.??? Hence a caution to the wise, when analyzing the situation, it is your answer that counts, not necessarily the time spent on it

The next issue is to look at is the very answer itself. What are the emotional qualities about this answer? We feel this is truly our answer, we own it. We worked hard on it. We are passionate about it. We feel it is the right answer. However, is our answer the right answer for other people?

It may not be right for them for any number of reasons. We do not know what is going on in the majority of the lives of the people we met through the internet. Even for close friends and family members, we do not always know ever single inch of their lives as well. By carrying our answer around, demanding that it be respected and accepted at all cost is as if our answer becomes part of us. However, once we give our answer with all the right intentions in the world; we must let it go.

It is not our answer anymore. It was given as a gift in the spirit of love. That answer always runs the risk of being rejected, simply because it did not fit well with the person at the time; though it might in the future. Holding on to that answer and protecting it like it was a precious piece of china; delicate and fragile is a problem. Who hurts more when that answer is not accepted, them or us? We do. We must let go. Once given, it is theirs to decide what to do with it. We did our part, we provided an answer. Now our recipients must decide if that answer is the one they need. We cannot force them to do our will. Continuing to harbor resentment because our solution was not followed through turns the once well intended gift into a control issue.

Control issues are sneaky little things, we don't always know we are being controlling. Many times we have the best intentions in the world, but bottom line we want to control the situation. ???No, no, no, I hear everyone screaming. ???It was not like that at all!???

My response to that is we may very well be using a defense mechanism to block us from hearing the painful truth. As I said before, we don't always know we are being overly controlling and that makes it harder to change the behaviour.

I say we, because I am no better than anyone else. We have all walked down this road sometime in our life. We need to analysis the situation. We need to take ???personal self??? out of it. Person A offered help to Person B, Person B did not take it. Person A is hurt and offended. Person A wanted Person B to take it. Person A had a need to control the situation. If Person B had taken the help, the situation would have been controlled. Person B did not take the help. Person A no longer has the control and feels wounded, helpless, disrespected, hurt, and so on. Why, because the only outcome Person A expected to happen in this situation was that his/her help be taken. When it didn't happen, Person A lost control.

Now the next level in that scenario is to ask ourselves why is this control so necessary. It is at this very juncture, soul searching and/or good counselling comes into play. Personally, I believe person A who gave the advice that was not taken, has not dissociated herself from the advice. The advice became an extension of who she was. Person A creates the following scenario in her head.

???If you do not listen to what I said to fix up your screwed up life, then you are not listening to me. You don??™t respect me, care for me, love me, and value me as a person, mentor, or good friend.???

Poppy cock is what I say to those of us who buy into that scenario. The other person may love us to death, respect us, and care for us deeply, but did not feel this particular advice was useful. Or, maybe Person B was just not in a place where he/she could even understand what we were talking about, let alone do something about it. I purposely said in the previous paragraph ???Your screwed up life" because bottom line, it is the other person??™s life to live whatever way he she may decide to do it. It is not our life.

My grandmother always said, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." As far as I am concerned these words are very true. I believe every healer, professional, ? family, or friend should listen. In the example put forth, about our research and perceived help is the water, but only the person we gave it to, truly knows if he/she is thirsty enough to drink.

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Having said all of that, if there truly are people who are bad influences in our lives, we need to disassociate ourselves from them. However, regardless of what we do, we must always realize that we are the most important player, in the drama of our life. We are active and not passive victims in this drama, and we co-create with every individual we allow into our lives.

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If I am miserable in the company of certain people, I first analyze my behaviour. If I find that I truly did not do anything wrong, yet these people are stifling my personal growth, I ditch them. One example I can give you has to do with my writing. When someone constantly tells me that my writing is crap, I find that this kind of feedback is not helpful. I expect to be treated with respect. Explain to me how you could see my writing improve and I will take your feedback into consideration, if it fits, I will apply it.?  However if that person??™s sole purpose is to trash my work without incorporating any element of promoting growth, then I will not associate with that person on any true level of friendship? 

A person can offer ways of improving it, but to simply tell me my writing will never amount to anything is negative and far from helpful. Actually it can be seen as abusive. It can destroy a person's self esteem and stunt his or her personal growth. Before I allow that to happen to me, I will tell the person my feelings and if that individual still persists, I sever the relationship.

And if somebody asked me for my advice but chose not to take it, that is fine with me. They may ask again, and again, and still not take it. I may not disassociate myself from the person. I may still like them very much, but it will come a time when I will say, ???don't ask me for my advice because you are not willing to hear it.???

Have you ever noticed this very phenomenon happens in relationships? For example your friend, Becky tells you all about how badly her boyfriend treats her. You try to explain she doesn't have to be treated that way and she defends him with the proverbial ???yes but....???

She handled her crises her own way. She comes again to you, ???what shall I do with Bob, he is doing this now???? Again you try to offer some advice, again she doesn't take it, claiming she really was going to take your advice, but Bob surprised her with flowers. ???Isn't he just the sweetest person that ever existed???? ? 

Of course there is a next time when he is not very sweet at all. She comes crying to you and says, ???I can't live with Bob anymore; what can I do????

Thinking that perhaps you have finally gotten through to her this time, you tell her what you think she should do. This time she didn't follow through because she and Bob had a long discussion and he admitted to being wrong and promised he would change.???

Until the next time.

After awhile you say to Becky, ???you have asked me what I would do in this situation several times now. I have given you my opinion. You never accept it. I have nothing further to say on this issue. Do what you feel is right, but I will no longer be involved. You have not relinquished your personal control in this situation; on the contrary you have established your control. You have set your boundaries.

Two years down the line Becky and Bob have permanently broken up. Becky has come to a place in her personal growth where she has accepted the fact that the relationship could never work. You already knew it two years before. Only now is she finally strong enough to make that painful decision. Or, perhaps she did not make the decision at all. Perhaps Bob left her to be with Mary. Either way they are no longer a couple. Even though you knew two years before that they could not remain a couple given what was going on back then, Becky had to come to that realization for herself.

Now she does, and as a friend, you are there for her to support her in anyway you can, again!

Carol Roach

winterose@videotron.ca

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A Native of Montreal, Quebec, Carol is a graduate of Concordia, and McGill University.?  She holds a bachelor in psychology and a Masters in counselling psychology.?  Carol Roach is a published writer and newsletter editor.?  You can purchase her book: Picking up the Pieces: A Woman's Journey at www.publishamerica.com, or www.amazon.com.?  You can also go to your local bookstore and order it there as well.?  Carol??™s second book: Angels Watching Over is currently looking for a home. Stay tuned for details.? 

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If you are interested in other stories feel free to join her newsletter: Storytime Tapestry at: http://subs.zinester.com/98907 , or email her directly at winterose@videotron.ca and she will be glad to accommodate you.?  Carol enjoys email and responds to every inquiry.