Special Treat ??“ From Me

Feb 7, 2006

Questions of the Heart

Carol Roach, M.Ed, B.A

My heart is telling me how fragile and vulnerable it is right now. The events of the past three days have really shaken my world, my courage, and my thin veneer of protection, which I thought was resolution.?  How could I know that I would hurt so badly over Darla??  I thought I had put her leaving past me and moved forward as I was supposed to do.?  How was I to know that the sound of her voice crying into a pay phone at a metro station would totally shatter my world??  How was I to know that I was still grieving?? 

I think about the old adage, out of sight out of mind and realize how these words come back to haunt me.?  As long as Darla had made the move, and did not contact me, I had prepared myself for the fact that she was no longer in my life.?  I made the logical rationalization that the best thing I could do was to accept the situation and move on.?  I thought I was protecting my heart from unnecessary insult.

How could I be so foolish, to think that I could turn my feelings off just because it was the right thing to do??  How could I think that I could ignore the urgings of my heart and deny the person I really am??  How could I be so foolish as to think my heart would let me? Out of sight, out of mind, they are such powerful words. How true they turned out to be for me.

I heard the desperation in her voice, even though she tried to be brave. She had been sobbing, I could tell. My heart secretly wept as I listened to her.?  She asked to come and see me, I wanted to say yes so badly, but I knew if she came I would not have the strength to tell her when it was time to go.? 

Nothing would change, she would come and stay a month and then she would be gone again.?  She is a free spirit that cannot be tamed.?  She is a wandering soul that has no home.?  The terrible reality is she continues to tear my heart apart, rips it from my body and takes it with her where ever she goes.

My heart is fragile, it needs to be protected and it needs to be loved. My mind tells me I must concentrate on the love that I do have in my life. I must consider all the people who will accept my love and not discard it.?  I am very fortunate, because even though I do not have Darla, I have my son, my boyfriend, my friends, ? and my animals to nurture this ache that cripples my soul.

Tonight I will call my cat, Pearl to come to bed with me.?  She adores me.?  I am her goddess.?  I will lay my ear upon her back, which is our nightly ritual.?  I will rub her snow white feather soft fur.?  I will listen to her gentle purring and listen beyond to hear the sound of her precious heartbeat. I will fall asleep that way knowing within my own heart that I am truly loved. ? ? 

Carol Roach

winterose@videotron.ca

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A Native of Montreal, Quebec, Carol is a graduate of Concordia, and McGill University.?  She holds a bachelor in psychology and a Masters in counselling psychology.?  Carol Roach is a published writer and newsletter editor.?  You can purchase her book: Picking up the Pieces: A Woman's Journey at www.publishamerica.com, or www.amazon.com.?  You can also go to your local bookstore and order it there as well.?  Carol??™s second book: Angels Watching Over is currently looking for a home. Stay tuned for details.? 

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If you are interested in other stories feel free to join her newsletter: Storytime Tapestry at: http://subs.zinester.com/98907 , or email her directly at winterose@videotron.ca and she will be glad to accommodate you.?  Carol enjoys email and responds to every inquiry.

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