Storytime Tapestry Newsletter

The newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness throughout the world.

Special Treat ??“ Surinder Jandu

Feb 15, 2006

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O K Carol, go ahead and write my story. I have just shared my heartfelt feelings like you good people do all the time. I would like to have comments from other writers what they would do if in my place. I do not mind being humble and visiting my sister and neice to offer my condolece as we are all hurt at the loss, but my worst fear is that if my sister refused to talk to me, I would come back feeling even worst.

My children would then say, "We told you so mum"

Why do some people care and others don't?

Regards

S K Jandu

Let Go of Difficult Relations?

Surinder Jandu

Sometimes we feel uncomfortable in the company of certain so called friends and relatives. It could be jealousy or something else they surprise and shock us with their comments or actions. They would turn their faces pretending to talk to somebody else or have some other important business; they would ignore your conversation or make a really hurting comment if somebody else offers you complement. You would not like to open your mouth in case it leaves a very bad taste for long time, especially in the company of other people. How would you find the reason behind it, especially if it is pure jealousy? Would you try to keep a distance from that person in future?

I am talking about my younger sister, whom I loved dearly. We were un-separable almost all our lives.? People mistook us for twins as we were almost identical--tall--slim--? sharp features and so on. But we were very different how we interacted with others, our behaviors and thinking mentally and spiritually. I was told that I was too lenient with wrong people and don't answer back while Inderjit was quick to "tit for tat" thing. I was not hurting those back who hurt me which made me miserable but she was? ever-ready to get even and be happy. She was even prepared to die to prove her point. We were called "Gur (Jaggery) and chilly"; "Sweet and sour". Both were essential in life and equally important. I was always buying her gifts to make her happy and she would fight with people on my behalf. We did fight with each other sometimes but made up quickly. I was very protective towards her.

I excelled in education and went to university while she stopped at Matriculation. When our parents in India tried to look for matches to arrange our marriages, I rejected this alliance from England who was proposed by our eldest sister, the reason being I wanted to complete my graduation in Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics. Our parents decided to fix my younger sister Inderjit with the same boy.

My sister resisted it badly saying that our parents were unfair to allow me to study further and she was getting married before me. Our parents explained that it was only because I jumped classes quickly and my headmaster was ready to spend his own money to make me study further. She calmed down slowly and came to England. My eldest sister did her wedding according to all the rituals and pump and show. She was settled, happy and had a baby boy, while in India;? our parents were struggling to find a suitable match for me. I was going through the painful period in my life, missing my sister terribly and insecure of my future. Boys and girls would not dream of finding their own partners in those days as it was meant to bring stigma on their parents.

As it happened that my husband to be was on holiday in India from England and somebody arranged our wedding. I also ended up in England and we three sisters were happy to meat up occasionally. When my marriage went through difficulties, Inderjit was a tower of strength for me. She would get angry at me for not reacting to my husband's violence. When she picked up arguments with my husband, it would scare me even more for consequences later. Later on, my marriage ended up in separation but we sisters stayed close. We would get together at children's birthdays and other special occasions. My three sons and her two sons and a daughter were very close. We visited one another's houses in Coventry, Leicester and Bristol often. My eldest sister had one adopted daughter. Their in-laws and relatives were close to me and my family.

I cannot recall actually when my relationship with Inderjit started to get strained. I noticed on occasions that she was not too happy at my progress, when I was promoted to the senior management position at my employment although she was happy when I went through further studies and training courses. She (and her husband)? was not too happy when I bought a bigger house and relocated to her town Leicester. I could not find the same old happiness on their faces when my eldest son joined the pop group at the same time as he was getting sponsored training and getting paid for them. I heard her mention that my eldest son Raja was bringing lot of money to me. I agreed that he did and it was helping to run the house as I had no financial, emotional or moral support from my husband. My husband and his family totally abandoned us. Sometimes I would notice the impression on their faces and feel that it was her husband who was jealous not my sister.

Then I noticed that my niece stopped talking to me, whom I had helped a lot to settle in England when she came from India with her family, to get her house, benefits and? filling in various forms. She would go back after visiting my sister and not me. There was no explanation when I asked. The very people who were very close to me started drifting away when my sister stepped in. Even my own two brothers and sister in India were influenced slowly over the years. Every time I had a happy occasion in my family, especially weddings, she would get jealous,? pick up a fight or refuse to turn up. My eldest sister would calm me down and ask me to lie low and let her get her way. When my eldest sister took my side, she would fight with her.

When my eldest son got cancer, I had to leave my job, my younger sons stopped their universities and our house was getting re-possessed, she pretended to be ignorant about it. The very day my son was dying, she had her son's 21st birthday party. The whole party crowd gathered around my dying son's bed in hospital and found us struggling to save him and saw him taking his last breath.

I was very hurt but still kept terms with her more or less normally. I was happy to see them in social and family gatherings. After all she was my younger sister whom I loved very much. I could not hate my sister although I hated what she did.

This time, it was my youngest son's wedding. I had already lost my eldest sister and hoped my younger sister would stand with me for support. Let me mention here that her three children are single. Her eldest son was married and divorced.

At the engagement party, she came to the hall with her two children and went home from there, while rest of the party came to my house for dinner. That afternoon we went to the bride side with gifts and she went straight and met us on the way and then went to her house from there.

I took my first wedding invitation card to her house with my son to be married and who was going through some exams for his employment. It was Sunday evening and he wanted to travel to the hotel 100 miles away and prepare all night for the exam next morning and had no time to waste. He would lose his job if he failed those exams. I promised not to stay long and we drove to their house.

After knocking at the door for several minutes, my brother-in-law opened the door, who seemed to have awaken from sleep. He said his family had gone to London and asked us to come inside for a cup of tea. My son explained about his exams and traveling to reach hotel before certain time and preparations etc and promised to come some other time.

The next thing I heard was that my sister was going to our relatives in England and spreading gossip how I threw the card at their faces and refused to go inside their house. She complained about certain things I should have or not done. She was asking my relatives in England not to attend the wedding. She was telling our relatives in India that no body was going to attend this wedding and they should not communicate with me. I sponsored my cousin brother from India to attend the wedding and one nephew came from Dubai. She started to influence them against me as well.

My youngest son started to fume at this and said to me, "Mum, she is your younger sister and she gets away with doing all this against you. Why can't you tell her to behave? Why have you always suffered but not said anything? If you refuse to ask this time, I am going to their house and take my card back."

My son made me sit by the phone and talk to my sister. As I said hello and asked what was problem with her that she went around spreading gossip, she started to shout. We had a slinging match and I put the phone down.

Two days before the wedding my cousin and nephew asked me to ring her and invite her again. I was very angry but still rang her. She said she would have to wait and see. She did not come to the wedding nor did her close family and relatives who were invited. This time I was also not in the mood to go begging her to come. So I did the wedding without my sister and her relatives.

What hurt me more than anything was that none of my brothers and sister in India sent any congratulations. They were all dead silent. My cousin brother also told me that he visited them before coming here and no one showed any happiness not to talk about giving any gifts for the bride and the groom. He was shocked.

It is nearly two years since the wedding now and I decided to visit India. I visited my eldest brother half-heartedly and could not pick up the courage to visit my younger brother and sister who were obviously? siding with? my younger sister. They did not bother to at least congratulate me on my son's wedding especially that I have had no support from my husband. I was in the confusion whether to see them and ask the reason or just leave them alone......let go....as it was hurting too much.? My nephews and nieces in India advised not to visit them and get insulted when they were in the wrong. I visited all my nephews, nieces and other relatives including my in-laws. I came back without seeing my brother and sister. I came back on 28 November 2005.

Immediately after my return, my younger sister visited India with her family I was told.

After four weeks of my return, my younger brother died of a heart attack. My sister came over from her in-laws in India to mourn for our brother. After the ceremonies, she went back to her town. She died the very next day with a heart attack. My brother died on 26 December 2005 and sister died on 5 January 2006. Exactly 10 days apart. I am completely shattered at the loss.

I am thinking about all those years of my life when I was so close to my brother and sister who left us. All the good things we done for one another through trials and turbulent. We parted even before death took them. I feel angry at myself for behaving out of character and angry at my younger sister for influencing them against me. Every one came to offer their condolences to me as being the older member of the family in this country but not my younger sister and the niece. I am still confused whether I should be the first one to go to their houses before death takes any of us.

Surinder Jandu

surinderjandu@hotmail.com

About Me:

I have just retired at the age of 60 after working at the Senior management level for the local governments in Coventry/Warwickshire, Leicestershire and London. I have also had a heart by-pass operation in 1997 and still carried on working, partly to earn the living and partly to help the unfortunate ones as my job was to help sick, disabled and poverty-stricken to get benefits and services from the Local and National Governments.

I was born and brought up in Rani Pur, a village in Distt. Jallandhar in Punjab, India and graduated from the Punjab University Chandigarh. I came to the UK after marriage in 1967.

After my three sons went to school, I started college for various academic qualifications and training courses and I completed my Masters Degree in Computing just two years ago.

I am an Education Secretary for the local Sikh Gurdwara (Temple) to run and manage a Punjabi School for children and adults. I also manage various outings for children and Senior Citizens. I volunteer to help out others as much as I can.? 

I have a hobby to write since my childhood days and most of my writings and poetry are in Punjabi Language. My sons want me to write in English, so that they can also read it.

I am writing a book in English, although feel that I could have done a better job in Punjabi.

Please accept me with my mistakes.

Regards

S K Jandu

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