Storytime Tapestry Newsletter

The newsletter devoted to spreading love and cultural awareness throughout the world.

Welcome to Fascinating Facts and Tantalizing Trivia

A Hartson Dowd Column

July 15, 2006

 To Westerners, the outhouse had always seemed a fitting memorial to the ingenuity and practicality of their founders, those restless, imaginative spirits who first caught the scent of opportunity in the Western breeze.

Average Outhouse:  Usually they were 3 to 4 feet square by 7 feet high with no window, heat, or electric light.  Due to the odor, most were built between 50 and 150 feet from the main house, often facing away from the house.  So that didn't have to smell the unpleasant odor, many people left the door open while they were using it.  Old-timers will admit that they had trouble breaking this habit with the invention of indoor bathrooms.

Toilet Paper:  Considered a luxury by most rural families, newspaper or pages from old catalogs was more often used. 

The Little House Out Back

When I was a child, there was a well-traveled path behind our house.  If you were to follow that path, you would find yourself at the doorstep of the little house out back.  There aren’t very many of these little houses anymore but they used to be quite common and necessary, especially in rural areas where very few people had indoor plumbing.

Where I grew up, the path led from the back door, past the cellar, the smokehouse, then on through the gate near the old apple tree.   The little house out back stood about halfway between the house and the barn next to the chicken house.  Maybe that was planned so that any offensive odor could be blamed on the chickens.

Outhouses were, after all, very much a part of the American West.  Actually, to be more succinct, they're part of all history.  However, these old structures, in all their glory, are quickly becoming extinct. These little houses were called by different names, such as: outhouses, loos, thrones, crappers, toilets, or privies.  They were usually built close enough to the main house to be convenient, yet far enough away to be inconspicuous; sometimes they were hidden behind a grape arbor or board fence.  If guests were shy about asking to use the facilities, they would often just slip outside unnoticed.  Others would simply announce they were going out to “visit Mrs. Smith”.  Mrs. Smith was quite popular and probably the most visited lady in our neighborhood.

Most of these little houses were equipped with a bench inside with holes cut in various sizes to accommodate both adults and small children.  I heard it was once said that a man must be pretty well off if he had more than a two holer and two catalogs.  If someone had “store bought” toilet paper in their outhouse then they surely must be putting on airs or else they had more money than good sense. 

The majority of outhouses were very simple but some people did extra things to keep them fixed up and clean.  My mother used wallpaper scraps to paper the walls of our outhouse and sometimes on washday a little bleach would be added to leftover wash water and the outhouse would be scrubbed.  In one corner of our outhouse was a bucket of lime or lye to be tossed down the toilet to keep odors away and speed decomposition.  In the other corner was an old Eaton’s catalog along with some other papers and magazines and they weren’t just for reading if you know what I mean.  We’d have to get a new supply whenever only the heavy shiny pages were left.

Since privacy was a concern, there was a hook to latch the door on the inside but normally the dog sitting on the outside step was a dead giveaway that the place was occupied. 

Many outhouses had the familiar crescent moon opening carved through the front door.  I thought it was to allow some light inside and also to help with ventilation but I wondered why that particular design was used so often.  Upon research, I discovered that the moon, or Luna, is an ancient symbol for women, while a sunburst (sometimes looked like a star) stood for men.  This was probably necessary many years ago when few people knew how to read.  

These days we don’t see very many of the old outhouses and not many people “go out to visit Mrs. Smith” anymore.  The old outhouses might be nostalgic but I can’t say as I miss them because they often harbored spiders, flies, splinters, and even snakes.  The heat of summer, frigid temperatures of winter, and the darkness of night, all made the jaunt down that well-worn path a speedy trip.  The little house out back is one part of the good old days that I don’t miss and I was very happy when Mrs. Smith gave up her little house out back and moved indoors.

That Little House In Back

THE OUTHOUSE POEM
Author Unknown

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

Thomas Crapper:  It is a myth that Thomas Capper invented the toilet.  Though the man held several patents for plumbing related products, he did not invent the water closet.

Rules of the Privy

Parking Limit: two minutes on holidays, seven minutes in summer, twelve minutes in winter.

Men: raise seat if not sitting.

Smokers and left-handers sit to the left.

Refill catalog and corncob box when empty.

Do not comment on other occupants' eating habits.

Use only one seat at a time (except on New Year's Eve),

Do not walk on seats.

Not responsible for any newspapers or books left here.

Keep your shoes on.

No drinking or gambling.

Don't shoot animals in privy.

Please observe our four-page limit.

Don't discuss your condition with other occupants.

No fighting.

Waiting must be done outside if full.

Taco, refried beans, sauerkraut, and herring eaters, use neighbors' privy.

Knock once to determine if occupied.

Knock twice for emergency, and if you hear someone running on the path, get out quickly.

Yes, the day of the outhouse will rank supreme in the memories of millions. But those days are yore now--cast to the turbulent winds of that storm called progress. Man, in his unceasing quest for the idyllic world of dormancy, has taken that wonderful boon, turned it under pasture, and left the backyards barren., for my part, I say this: If progress be that which deprives mankind of the peace of nature and his own celestial inner being, then let us regress! What this world needs is more outhouses!

Hartson Dowd

hsdowd@telus.net